AIBU - Men should not be allowed to adopt or foster children unless they're with a woman. Safeguarding first.

[RedQuail4]

I know this will get the "bigot" and "not all men" brigade out in force, but can we please talk about actual child protection instead of feelings and equality checkboxes?

Children in care are already some of the most vulnerable kids in the country. They've often been abused, neglected, or come from chaotic backgrounds. The state has a duty to place them in the safest possible environment, not to use them as a social experiment for adult rights or to prove how progressive we are.

Look at the data on who harms children. The vast majority of serious physical and sexual abuse is committed by males. Single male households show higher risks in the statistics for child abuse, domestic violence exposure, and poorer outcomes in some studies. Women aren't perfect (far from it), but the biological and statistical reality is that men pose a higher risk, especially without a female partner in the home. A woman in the household often acts as a natural safeguard - someone who is more likely to notice, intervene, or report concerning behaviour.

We've seen too many tragic cases where single men (or gay men with access to children without proper oversight) have gone on to abuse fostered or adopted kids. Social services and adoption agencies are under huge pressure to find placements, so corners get cut and "inclusive" policies mean they bend over backwards to approve single men. The child's safety should trump everything.

Why are we gambling with kids who already lost the lottery once?

Adoption and fostering aren't a right for adults. They're not about giving men a purpose or validating lifestyles. They're about finding the most suitable, lowest-risk home for damaged children. A stable married couple (or at least a man with a woman in the home) should be the gold standard. Single women? Fine, the evidence supports they generally manage better. Single men? A male couple? No. The risk profile is different.

If a man wants to parent, he can find a wife first. Harsh? Maybe. But we're talking about other people's traumatised children, not virtue-signalling or men's feelings. Safeguarding isn't prejudice - it's pattern recognition.

This isn't about hating men. It's about not ignoring sex-based patterns in crime and abuse data when placing vulnerable kids. Same reason we don't put male staff in every girls' changing room. Thoughts? Am I being unreasonable?

Can you show me the statistic that backs up that comment?

Yes the mother might be a drug addict or have a different man staying every night but because she is a woman, the child must be safer with her.

Yes also this, do you just want all men to stop having access to children op ?

Check out the neonaticide statistics...

As is often the case on Mumsnet - the vote is very different to the comments.

If that's the extent of your analysis, then your position is not tenable.

I understand why you are saying these things OP - it's horrible to read about Preston's death and feel so impotent. But laws should not be made in haste by people who have just read highly emotive material.

I agree with the PP who said that there should be far more ongoing support by services following adoption and/or fostering. God bless that little boy.

The individual people involved need to be thoroughly vetted before being approved as adoptive parents, foster carers or teachers. This did not happen in this case due to discrimination and the terrible set up in Englands school system. This individual would not be in a teaching post in other UK nations. If you don’t put people through rigorous safeguarding checks over time and really look at their hard drives then it will happen again. Harder to adopt a dog. Very sad and very scary.

If you use a reputable search engine (such as Google or the duck one) or ask an AI bot (the chat one or Musk's one) then you'll find that 98 to 99% of individuals who commit sex offences are male.

There seems to be a lot of situations when women allow abuse even if they don’t physically facilitate it so I don’t actually think this does anything from a child protection point in the slightest.

The two men who murdered Preston were given a huge amount of support by social workers. There was nothing lacking in personnel, just the judgement of the staff.

This is very raw because of the dreadful case in the news. But your view is very redolent of the extreme Christian right. That mindset extends into women being better home makers and abortions being illegal…
I voted that YANBU though because I actually think adoption and fostering should work on data. Whatever it tells us about safety should certainly trump the desires of the adults.

Are adoptive dads more of a risk to children than stepdads/mum's boyfriend?
Or biological dads?

They are all ‘more ‘ of a risk because they are all male is the OPs point I think.

No women abuse, no women watch others abuse! Of course they do! all ages, sexes, class,sexual orientation, colours,religions are capable of abuse. It's people that abuse, absolutely everyone *edited to word it better

Obviously YANBU and no sane society would allow male only adoptions. But we don't live in a sane society, because "equality" is our god now.

Huh?

I do think that regardless of what anyone says, men are more likely to abuse…

Well from the UK’s own statistics it’s 91% of sexual abuse by men, not 99%

https://www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/crimeandjustice/bulletins/abuseduringchildhoodinenglandandwales/march2024

The abuse carried out by women is still there, it’s just less likely to be sexual and more likely to be emotional, physical or neglect.

the ONS

In domestic settings, mothers are cited as perpetrators of child emotional abuse and physical abuse at rates similar to fathers.

Neglect: Women are disproportionately more likely to be the primary perpetrators in cases of child neglect.

But the OP is suggesting banning step dads or bio dads is she?

Nonsense.

YABVU.

Decades of research actually shows the opposite. Adoptive parents typically form equally strong emotional bonds to biological parents, boyfriends of mum have not gone through the same formal assessments, safeguarding processes etc that adoptive/foster parents do.

There’s been a couple of high profile murder cases in America perpetrated by lesbian couples involving foster kids. Should all lesbians bot be allowed to adopt or foster?

What makes you think they weren't vetted?
Or that they wouldn't be employed as a teacher?
The police will have looked at their hard drives and didn't find anything.

Well there we go.