Can’t get over poor baby Preston

[Doximama2]

Not sure this is an AIBU, I never post on here but just feel I want to today. I am a 59 year old nana of 3 gourgous grandchildren including a one year old boy, the whole story in the need the last few weeks and especially this week about poor baby Preston that was tortured, abused and ultimately murdered by his 2 adoptive “fathers” has completely traumatized me. I am recovering from a big surgery 2 weeks ago so feeling emotional but this has really upset me so much that this was able to happen and that no one, not any social services, medics on visits to the hospital - one even with a broken elbow ffs - friends and family of these monsters realised what was happening and that Preston wasn’t a happy one year old. My grandson is always happy and smiling unless he is poorly so how did this go unnoticed? I had to turn the news off Monday when they showed this poor baby trying to sleep and this monster kept making him wake up.

im not naive, I have worked in public service including health and social services which I think is why I can’t comprehend how this was allowed to happen. It just feels like there is so many awful things in the world, and has made me so sad. 😭

Do you mean couples from abroad adopting English children? Presumably because (ironically) our safeguarding and vetting procedures are strict. In most cases where people adopt children from abroad, they're adopting them from countries where there are less stringent checks, where it's easier for them to be given a child.

I keep thinking about my ds when he was a baby. He fell from the sofa to the floor and the doctor wouldn't even see us. You can see how important things get missed

That is a theory.

Yes, that's what I mean. I can see the UK working together with other countries that have similar strict vetting procedures.

It's a shame this doesn't seem to happen

Out of those 1000 won’t that include a large number of older children and teenagers. Also sibling sets, babies and children with disabilities etc. I was under the impression healthy newborn babies removed at birth would be much easier to find adoptive parents for?

Says who?

Oh fair point I certainly don’t mind being picked up on things

It's reality, based on evidence. Genuinely I find it bizarre that you think say, a babies brain development wouldn't be affected if they were physically, emotionally or sexually abused or neglected before the age of 3-4 years old, when concrete memories start to be formed.
Have you ever met a 'frozen' baby? It's harrowing.

It does make me think we should bring back the death penalty. For clear cut cases when there can be no doubt over guilt, and no possibility of redemption for such crimes. Why should we pay to keep these men - and it is almost always, 99% if the time, men - alive, when there’s so many of them compared to too few of us.

Last night I stupidly read everything about this case before I went to bed and I tossed and turned for hours. Poor little mite, his life was blighted from the very beginning, if only he could have stayed with the lovely foster carer.

And the sad truth is while we are discussing this current tragic case there will be other little children going through the same thing right now, it breaks my heart to think some humans can do this to a child, to be so monstrous with such an evil depraved appetite for torture and self pleasure, all at the cost of other living creatures. It is so far removed from the world I live in that it seems unbelievable.

Poor little Preston and all the abused children who came before him and sadly will continue after. There really is evil walking amongst us all, all under the guise of 'normal' functioning human beings.

I'm talking about a healthy baby raised by loving non-biological parents from birth, not abused, neglected children.

Tell that to baby P

It will happen.

It won’t right what they did, but they will know how they made another human being- a baby- feel.

Absolute bastards.

I didn’t notice you apologise.

No, that figure is only for children whom the courts have made a placement order, which means there is a current agreed plan of adoption and an active search. Generally that will be for children aged 0-4. Occasionally as old as 5 or 6 but that's usually only if they're part of a sibling group with a younger sibling and the plan is to try to keep them together.

Most the children on my caseload for the last few years who have been approved for adoption have had no current additional needs, and I haven't had one who was adopted before the placement order was 12 months old (I know that because we review to see if adoption is still a realistic plan) That includes children removed at birth. Bearing in mind placement orders come at the end of six months of care proceedings, so thats an 18 month old child.

It’s traumatising just reading about it. I don’t dare reading the articles that give more detail. Poor , poor little soul.

I hope you won’t mind me rephrasing it a bit:
‘There were so many chances to save that poor little boy , and all of them missed because of putting the feelings of MEN first.
… all need to stop massaging MEN’s egos . ‘

My son was fostered by me from birth, then adopted by us at 15 months. We are not birth relatives. He grew up a happy, well adjusted child, and has remained so into adulthood.

Whilst I don’t disagree with the trauma of being removed, a loving and nurturing foster carer can help enormously.

I cannot begin to imagine what those carers are going through after hearing what Preston suffered.

I think you might want to read about the experiences of adults who have been in the situation you describe. They could tell you far better than I could that it's not that straightforward.
Even if removed at birth, children are not a 'clean slate'. Children can and do experience trauma and neglect in the womb, and can carry that with them for life.

Babies’ brains don’t process trauma the same way adults do, partly because they don’t have a memory system in the same way, but trauma can still alter emotional regulation, stress responses and social functioning
both immediately and in later life. If you actually want to read about it this paper covers a lot.

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC6969239/

Not all babies are affected the same way or to the same extent, and it’s not always irreparable as some will have you believe, but those early years really matter. In some cases being removed from the primary caregiver can be part of that trauma, but evidence doesn’t support the idea that any removal is ‘the ultimate trauma’. Because of course it’s not the ultimate trauma - sometimes children left with their parents are killed, which is inarguably worse.

And also many do not, it’s fair to say. Babies in utero respond to the mother’s stress but I’m not sure it’s accurate to call it trauma or neglect. Just as babies are not small adults, foetuses are not unborn babies for 9 months. It’s a process.

I don’t mean to be unkind, but if I remember rightly, I think you are a prospective adopter? I understand that belief that you can be the one to dodge the silver bullet.

What do you think are the reasons for a lack of adopters?

Jack Straw is now calling for a police enquiry around negligence in the case.

What??? I was adopted by a pedophile who was straight.

Please don’t try to patronise me. You’re not especially good at it.

The evidence is more nuanced than you say, and I’ve provided an example of it. A pp on this thread has given their experience of a different outcome. If I was going to ‘not mean to be unkind’ I’d point out that your repeated emphasis on your children’s challenges comes across as rather self-serving.

And nobody wants to dodge a silver bullet.