AIBU to think my husband is not pulling his weight?

[Allypallypea]

Ok big rant in coming..... I'm not really sure what I want from this.... Maybe just to know if I'm being a mug? Or if this is just married life?

I'm going to start by saying I love my husband, we have been together for 8 years, married for 4 and done amazing things together in that time. I don't want to divorce him or anything like that but sometimes he literally BLOWS MY MIND!!

Today he was complaining about being tired ....showing me his sleep data. We started fostering 4 months ago and have had 2 babies places with us. He has not done one single night with them, not one single get up in the morning with them in four months, never even offered. I am sleeping in the room with them to "protect his sleep"! We both work the same amount although I have the children more often...... He NEVER asks me how I am in the morning, or how I slept, I always ask him (he inevitably complains)

He huffs and puffs around the house when things annoy him or the kitchen is dirty and he wants to cook like a bloody teenager.... And tonight I lost my temper at a bin bag (time of the month) and swore he went " uch, what is it now"....... i would never usually huff and puff or even swear i just crack on and the one bloody time I behave like him for a second he is straight in to jump on my bad mood.

i was at work today, came back cooked dinner for all four of us together and at the end of the meal, food everywhere children covered, kitchen a mess he went up to run a bath for them. He never came back down, decided to have a sit down whilst I cleaned up and brought the boys upstairs. I didn't even blink just carried on and afterwards I thought .... Who am I? How is that ok? I would never even dream of just sitting down mid routine - even if I thought it deserved/needed it.

I clean the whole house top to bottom, he neither mentions it nor gets close to doing anything like it himself. I do 2 loads of laundry and when I get home from work (he has been looking after the one baby all day with the other at nursery) and it's still on the line. HE HAS NEVER CLEANED A TOILED IN THE 8 YEARS I HAVE LIVED WITH HIM, NOR A SHOWER OR MOPPED A FLOOR NOTHING! But if I challenge him on it, he just tells me I'm wrong and he does loads..........

is this just men? Have I made a rod for my back and he just thinks I will do It all so why should he? After a year of living in our current house I asked him to take the bin bag out and he actually asked where our bins were......

I have so many more examples but I really am just venting.

should we get therapy? Can he change? He is 52, quite arrogant and really doesn't think that he is not pulling his weight..... But I assure you mums net he is not. The complaining about the tiredness was the thing that got me when I have been up every single night with a baby and a toddler for 4 months with 5 am wake ups to boot and he saunters down to the kitchen at 7am without so much as a how are you? Like really?

I don't know how to vote, but you ARE being unreasonable to accept this situation and even normalise it! Unless there's a big reveal like you wanted to foster and he didn't and so you both agreed in advance that you would do all the work, he should be doing his half. His having a penis is not especially exhausting (for him) nor does it prevent him from recognising the need to do, and actually doing, necessary housework or childcare just like any other adult.

May this type of love never find me!

I think it's a communication issue, and a conversation needs to be had and quickly. It's not easy but you might literally need to sit down with the daily tasks of the household and divide it up between you both. And be persistent but always flexible. The more they are held accountable then more they will start to notice things and do more I feel. It's not fair but majority of men can survive in very clean environments when they are single or living as a single man but as soon as they move in with a partner, it can all fall off. And I found I didn't want to be a nag ect ect. So I allowed it and compensated at the start. I am very particular about the house and how I like it "to look unlived in" so he felt it's almost better not to do anything than to "do it wrong" so I had to ease off on my expectations but he has really pulled his weight and so does so much more now because he is more conscious of it when it's all layed out on a list to read! You're situation is the norm I would say but that doesn't mean you have to continue living that way! Communication is really key. Choose a good time to have the conversation so that you will be heard and he hopefully won't jump to the defense if he feels he is being attacked or it's an argument.

I wish you the best with the fostering, what a wonderful way to make the world a better

He doesn't want to foster,or look after himself or the house.

It's really up to you what you want to do with that information.

It's as simple as this: if he wanted to do it, or even felt the merest hint of decency that he should at least begrudgingly do it, he would be doing it.

Same as you really. You want to to foster, so you're doing the work.

Yanbu but a really honest conversation is needed. At 52, with adult children, what was he thinking doing the baby phase again. Maybe that's where his head is currently at. Talk to him.

Fostering is a wonderful thing to offer & I imagine it will take a lot of adjustment for you both.
I do think he should be doing more around the house, my husband sounds similar.

Before you give up the fostering or divorce your husband, I would try having a cleaner.

We had a fortnightly clean during a tough patch for around a year and honestly 99% of the arguments about chores disappeared.

This doesn't sound fair but it is my reality...hubby and I are in couples counselling I do 100% for our DC but i am a SAHM and think hubby thinks that's my job, unpaid and all my responsibility. Counsellor did mental load activity with us and told us that we are 50/50 across financial responsibilities, household and child care apparently but I don't agree. hubby does very little domestically, we moved house last July, he's never cleaned the bathroom. never does any cleaning, he tells me he doesn't want to...apart from the kitchen but would never think to deep clean. I sympathise with you OP, fostering is a massive responsibility, it doesn't sound like your husbands choice based on his lack of assistance, doesn't sound like teamwork... I would recommend counselling.

Sorry but from your response it sounds like you both agreed to foster … so why isn’t he helping ? I think it’s unreasonable to foster kids when you’ve already admitted you knew you’d be doing most of the work when you should be expecting a partnership in it . He’s a child .

I'm quite old now and I've been on Mumsnet a long time. Between AIBU and Relationships, there are just so, so, so many of these threads about men who are selfish and lazy, and yet who think they're loving/great husbands/great dads/pulling their weight/better than most, and their wives/partners buy into that narrative. I'm not judging because I've started similar threads myself in the past. I just hope I live long enough for there to be a noticeable reduction in the number of them before I fall off my perch, because it's really just so depressing how shit men are and how many women enable it. We need to start seeing this behaviour for what it is and calling it out, not shoring it up.

Well firstly stop the fostering, this is a deeply unhealthy dynamic to model to kids.

Then stop doing anything at all for him. Anything.

And no, he isnt nice or kind at all. Every single tine he pisses down that toilet and doesn't clean it, he thinks fuck it she'll do it and just leaves it t you. Youre there to service hi sexual and physical needs, but he doesn't love or respect you.

Nobody let's people they love run themselves into the ground so they can have an easy life.

How did you end up in a situation though where you both work, you both wanted to Foster, but its you doing 100pc of nights? I can't imagine a situation where neither of you even mention that it's his turn, or ask how you want to split the night wakes!