AIBU to think my husband is not pulling his weight?

[Allypallypea]

Ok big rant in coming..... I'm not really sure what I want from this.... Maybe just to know if I'm being a mug? Or if this is just married life?

I'm going to start by saying I love my husband, we have been together for 8 years, married for 4 and done amazing things together in that time. I don't want to divorce him or anything like that but sometimes he literally BLOWS MY MIND!!

Today he was complaining about being tired ....showing me his sleep data. We started fostering 4 months ago and have had 2 babies places with us. He has not done one single night with them, not one single get up in the morning with them in four months, never even offered. I am sleeping in the room with them to "protect his sleep"! We both work the same amount although I have the children more often...... He NEVER asks me how I am in the morning, or how I slept, I always ask him (he inevitably complains)

He huffs and puffs around the house when things annoy him or the kitchen is dirty and he wants to cook like a bloody teenager.... And tonight I lost my temper at a bin bag (time of the month) and swore he went " uch, what is it now"....... i would never usually huff and puff or even swear i just crack on and the one bloody time I behave like him for a second he is straight in to jump on my bad mood.

i was at work today, came back cooked dinner for all four of us together and at the end of the meal, food everywhere children covered, kitchen a mess he went up to run a bath for them. He never came back down, decided to have a sit down whilst I cleaned up and brought the boys upstairs. I didn't even blink just carried on and afterwards I thought .... Who am I? How is that ok? I would never even dream of just sitting down mid routine - even if I thought it deserved/needed it.

I clean the whole house top to bottom, he neither mentions it nor gets close to doing anything like it himself. I do 2 loads of laundry and when I get home from work (he has been looking after the one baby all day with the other at nursery) and it's still on the line. HE HAS NEVER CLEANED A TOILED IN THE 8 YEARS I HAVE LIVED WITH HIM, NOR A SHOWER OR MOPPED A FLOOR NOTHING! But if I challenge him on it, he just tells me I'm wrong and he does loads..........

is this just men? Have I made a rod for my back and he just thinks I will do It all so why should he? After a year of living in our current house I asked him to take the bin bag out and he actually asked where our bins were......

I have so many more examples but I really am just venting.

should we get therapy? Can he change? He is 52, quite arrogant and really doesn't think that he is not pulling his weight..... But I assure you mums net he is not. The complaining about the tiredness was the thing that got me when I have been up every single night with a baby and a toddler for 4 months with 5 am wake ups to boot and he saunters down to the kitchen at 7am without so much as a how are you? Like really?

It’s not just men. He’s doing classic DARVO. I wouldn’t put up with this at all.

Not normal, he’s taking the piss.

Was he on board with the fostering, which is a really kind thing to do?
Maybe have a talk with him about what needs to be done and how you can divide the responsibilities?

52 is quite old for babies and toddlers so he probably is tired but clearly not as tired as you who gets up with babies. Yes do sound like you are doing everything. I've found that spelling out what I need him to do helps a lot and I stopped being a martyr. Some men though will never change especially if it has been enabled since the beginning of the relationship. I have a friend who has nearly split with husband several times because he is lazy and thoughtless. He swears he will be better and is for a while then inevitably goes back to being a twat.

Well obviously he needs to do more and you need to find a way to talk about this and work out how to change things. But, can I ask (I’m not meaning it attackingly or patronisingly) why you have started fostering now while also knowing that he’s always been like this? It’s a huge thing to take on and did you think he would step up?

did you know you would be doing all the foster care yourself?

sounds full on, and he does not sound supportive

Your husband sounds like a selfish twat.
He doesn’t seem worried about anyone else who lives in the house.

Who wanted to take on fostering? Was it a joint decision or your instigation? He doesn’t seem on board with it tbh and I imagine at 52 he hasn’t the energy or stamina for looking after babies and toddlers. Is it a good environment for them to be in if you are starting to argue and he is disinterested?

at the end of the day it’s up to you if you want to put up with it or not

My bf can not notice when things around the house need to be done and needs prompting sometimes but does do them. To not even ask how you slept is so inconsiderate though

It’s not all men. My male partner does his fair share without me asking. It’s a communication issue. You aren’t sitting down and calmly talking about how much this upsets you so then getting mad. I’m not judging, it’s hard to have difficult conversations. It might be a good idea to lay out how under appreciated you feel. I’m not sure I could stay with someone like this

Not cleaned a toilet in 8 years? He's taking the piss, but not wiping it up.

Yeah I agree he is being Inconsiderate. I don't feel he does it on purpose, I think he genuinely thinks he is pulling his weight!

To answer some questions, we are both fitness instructors and although he is 52 most people think he is in his 30's/40's. We both eat clean and don't drink and so his energy levels and fitness are considerably better than most men of his age. We both wanted to do the fostering, 100% a joint decision and he is a very nurturing kind and emotionally available man. He has grown up boys and we decided when they left home (they lived with us as teens) we would love to continue parenting together but we couldn't conceive naturally and didn't want to do IVF. We looked at adoption but ultimately decided we wanted to help lots of children.
There is no part of me that thinks he is "doing this for me" or that his heart isn't in it.

I did know most of it would be on me, because a)I know what he is like and b) I have to admit to being a bit of a control freak.

My problem isn't doing it, it's feeling like he cant see me doing it, or that he is not grateful for it. I don't need constant praise but I would like to be treated with a bit more care and consideration. I also wish he would do things without being asked ..... I hate micro managing him, I already have enough to do.

he is a very nurturing kind and emotionally available man

My darling, he is not.

I would have thought fostering was the worst job for someone who didn’t pull his weight in the home as the whole job is in the home and two babies are 100% full on.

It's not just men (though quite a lot of them, seemingly) - it's your husband. I'd suggest that you have choices, and you don't have to tolerate it.
(edited to add...)
I hope I'm wrong, for your sake, but I get the feeling (having seen this before) he will complain about the fostering, say he's not happy with it, and claim it was all your idea.

I would probably rethink fostering. It's like having a child, you both need to be on board and share the load otherwise the child suffers more than anyone. You can find fulfillment and help vulnerable children in other way, volunteering for example.

Have a read of this, and get him to read it too. How does he react when you say to him that it is not fair that you are still running round tidying up while he is lying down with his feet up? I think that 4 months in to fostering is a fair time for an open and honest discussion about how you thought he would be doing more to look after the children. Are you quite a bit younger by any chance?

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No, all men are not like this. My husband does 50% of the night wake ups, all school drop offs, all of the bath/bed times (whilst I finish my work as I finish early to do pick ups), majority of the cooking and some of the cleaning (I do less cooking, he does less cleaning). I wouldn’t even put up with w day of this let alone a lifetime. I don’t think he’s a kind man if he acts like this tbh.

Exactly this. What he is currently doing is deeply deeply unkind isn’t it? That’s what his actions show. Unless he is thicker than a log, he knows full well that you doing all the bights very clearly isn’t fair, and he still carries on! Op, that is the exact opposite of ‘kind’. It’s nasty, selfish and lazy. I would have a good think op by what you actually mean if you think he’s kind and nurturing, given that he isn’t. Do you mean that you thought he was at the start of your relationship, or that that’s what you want him to be, or that he very occasionally throws you a breadcrumb of kindness?

Why are you fostering when he can’t be bothered with it? Put a stop to it.

He doesn't want to foster and he is punishing you.

That sounds truly difficult.

Is he a good provider at least? Does he put plenty of money into the household or just the minimum?

This man is not in a position to be fostering babies and toddlers. He wouldn’t be the first foster parent to have wholeheartedly wanted to foster but found themselves unable to cope with the reality.

I’m really not meaning to be ars*y, but honestly, which part of the behaviour you describe would you say justified the description of him as a very nurturing, kind d and emotionally available man.

If it’s the part where he tells you that is how he is and that he 100% supports your choice of fostering …. so long as he doesn’t actually have to lift a finger ?

what was he like with his own sons? Did he have you running g round after them, too?

im so sorry, this must be very difficult for you.

From everyone I talk to, every woman that makes jokes etc etc etc it is actually most men. But that doesn’t mean it’s ok!!! When he says he does tell him to tell you when then hand him the cleaning supplies