AIBU to ask what nursery will share with school?

[CheeseSandwich1]

AIBU to ask what information nursery pass to school?

For context - During my first pregnancy I developed a serious mental illness and was unwell enough that social services were involved.

For the first year of DC1’s life I was in mental health units or at home seeing the mental health team most days. I wasn’t diagnosed with the correct illness until DC1 was 9 months old, which added to me being unwell.

DC1 was placed in the care of their Dad by social services and has continued to live with him, I am effectively the ‘Dad’ in our co-parenting relationship.

Social services concerns were my mental illness and the difficult relationship DC’s Dad and I had.
The case has been closed for a long time; before they closed we put a safety plan in place for if I was to become unwell again and social services advice were for Dad and I to have ‘no direct contact’ due to our previous acrimonious relationship.

To be honest since them closing DC’s Dad and I have got on pretty well and we have a routine that works for our DC. My Dad does pick ups/drop offs but over time ex and I have started to meet for pick ups/drop offs (because no one is available) and it’s been fine. We viewed schools together and we’ve spent DC’s birthday/christmas together with extended family.

I spoke to his nursery teacher about his transition to school and I did ask what information would be passed on to school as social services involved nursery when DC started nursery. Nursery teacher said as there were no safeguarding concerns and DC is meeting every milestone that a very basic history would be given and it would be up to me to share anything else with school.

DC’s Dad was told the other day that the safeguarding lead will have to talk to school and social services previous involvement. Whilst I’m not against this, we even waited to the end at DC’s school introduction evening to explain that DC lives with Dad as I’d been very unwell when DC was a baby, I really do not feel comfortable with someone disclosing my illness to someone else without me being present.

I am diagnosed with arguably the most stigmatised mental illness however I don’t present how the mainstream media portrays people with this illness (which is why I went misdiagnosed for so long) and multiple psychiatrists have said it’s almost unheard of for someone with this illness to have such a good understanding that I have of it. I really don’t want the new school forming an opinion of me based on what the safeguarding lead at the nursery says, especially considering we’ve had no involvement with social services for a very long time.

AIBU to ask what will be said to the school? Are they allowed to disclose my health information or will it be ‘mum was unwell’? I really don’t want to open a can of worms!

I hope so! Every time I collect from nursery the manager (who is never on the desk when I walk in) miraculously appears as we’re leaving. Even Ex DP said she only comes out when I go to pick up.

She 100% does not know what to make of me.

I would be more than happy for that to be shared!

I just didn’t want files upon files of paperwork with often stretched truths or outright lies from social services.

I’m not against social services btw. I would have really appreciated support from them, however in my child’s case it didn’t happen.

Try not to think too much into this. The school will have children enrolled with active child protection plans and children with parents at a crisis point with their mental health. It sounds like the nursery has plenty of positives to share with school. I really doubt any school staff will be judging you.

The nursery have said they have absolutely no safeguarding concerns for DC whatsoever and they’re meeting/exceeding all educational/emotional milestones etc.

I want that to be at the forefront and not ‘mum has a seriously mental illness’ being a big headline.

I don't think it will be a big headline. How the child is doing is what matters, not what diagnosis the parent has, and your child is thriving so that will be the headline.

The priority should be the wellbeing of your child and you obviously want that too. I do think that school being aware of your diagnosis and your child's history is helpful to him even though it's uncomfortable for you. Surely in the event of you having a relapse you would want this noticing as soon as possible to prevent harm or distress to your child? I think a meeting with school where you are totally honest from the start seems like a good idea.

I'm going to say this in the nicest way, teachers will have heard it all but for a 4 year old to be living with Dad when there is an actively involved mum will lead to people trying to fill the gaps as to why this is.

My best guess is that it’d say something like:
SS involvement with family between X dates due to concerns for mum’s ability to parent at the time owing to an acute episode of psychiatric illness for which she was undergoing MH care.”

I asked to speak to the Headteacher at induction evening and explained that I was very unwell with a mental health problem when DC was a baby and as a result of that DC lives with their Dad and spend time with me.

I didn’t feel it was appropriate to start stating diagnosis etc. If I was to become unwell my parent’s, Ex DP etc would notice before the school.

This would be completely fine to send to them!

I’m just not someone who discusses my mental illness with people. Genuinely, my mum, dad, Ex DP and a couple of members of his family know and that is it. I’m embarrassed about it and I just want my child to have a normal school experience.

Any I’ve ever read have been like this, short statements with dates and very focused on the child and the impact on them, next to no detail about the parent. And they are on a strict needs to know basis. Only school leadership teams would have access unless it was an active case and the class teacher was involved in the update.

The nursery said there’s been no obvious impact to DC and that’s probably because it happened when they were very young so living with Dad and spending time with me is all they’ve ever known.

The only thing DC says is they want me to live with them at their house with Dad, but that’s like most children from split parent’s I guess!

It won’t be tons of files. It may include your diagnosis. But your reports etc won’t be shared.

I know what you mean about being stigmatised

It shouldn’t be this way.

one thing - schools are much bigger than nursery’s you won’t get the same reaction as they’re much more aware in a different way. Also reception year yes they are involved in getting info - after that it’s done - excluding any issues that come up - the child just gets on with their school life and no more disclosures.

you've got this. You’ve proved you’re a stable parent and you are self aware. Don’t worry about judgemental pricks who hear a label and get weird.

Please try to work on your feelings of embarrassment about your diagnosis. I too felt exactly the same about mine. I hardly even told closest/oldest friends, or my employer. But masking was exhausting and, I’ve learnt, far more corrosive to my sense of self than any diagnosis.
Could you join a peer support group maybe - to meet other lovely people such as yourself who live good, full lives - to try to de-stigmatise it a little in your mind?
Sending lots of hugs 🤗

I’ll have a look into a support group!

I’ve had a lot of stigmatism from Ex DP’s family so it just makes me anxious. Whenever I talk about wanting to do something with friends/hobbies/work or if they’ve heard that I’m dating. It’s always ‘oh she can’t expect to be good’ or ‘no man will want her when they know her illness!’ etc and it just worried me about the new school.

Hey OP, I'm a MH nurse. I'm so sorry for what you're going through. You're right, Paranoid Schizophrenia remains highly stigmatised, and public understanding is very poor. It's a shame when in reality most people with that awful illness are only a danger to themselves.

Any safeguarding information can and obviously should be passed on, but I personally don't see why they could just say smth like 'Mum is on the SMI register and is currently stable. These are her relapse signs, and these were the risks in the past' or whatever. I also think you have the right to your own confidentiality, and it is okay to ask how your information is being used and exactly what is being shared e.g. is it a vague summary or is it every note written about you. We have a legal right to know how our medical information is shared.

That being said, don't let others make you feel shit about your diagnosis. If someone treats you differently, they are not worth knowing. Don't feel like you have to hide it. Many people with this illness end up isolated, and a lot of that is due to stigma. Post partum psychosis is nothing to be ashamed of.

Sadly your private info is part of the child’s story. Whenever there is a serious case review they reveal that info was not shared, so they are very keen to share info now.

please can you do an ask me anything thread about your illness?

If a child moves between schools their safeguarding record is sent across. It should be in this situation. Having seen the system, but not records as the safeguarding lead governor at our school it is impossible to remove a concern that has been added. You could make a subject access request.

Cn I just say I am so sorry OP. The fact they gave you that diagnosis during post partum is horrendous. Absolutely horrendous.

Hi OP,
Just going off topic a bit, I wanted to ask how many episodes of psychosis you had before being diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia? I am a MH nurse working with people with first episode psychosis and we almost always do not diagnose schizophrenia unless there has been more than one episode of psychosis. If there is a family history of schizophrenia (in first degree relative) then this could also lead to a diagnosis). I have supported plenty of patients who recover fully after having a very significant episode of psychosis and they are not given a diagnosis as it is neither helpful or necessary (psychosis is not a diagnosis in itself, but rather a cluster of symptoms). After an episode of psychosis we recommend that people take antipsychotic medication for around 1-2 years and then we support them to come off if they have remained well and they want to come off. If they were to go on to have another episode then that would be different, but if they diagnosed schizophrenia after one episode then it may have been a bit premature.

Similar job role here - and totally agree.
Although I didn’t pick up from OP that this had been solely a PP episode? If it was, then I’d challenge this diagnosis OP. 🫂

They'll pass on any information they deem relevant to the safeguarding lead. Your past may be relevant as dad is the resident parent which isn’t usual. They may also mention the early SS involvement but will make clear it was closed years ago and DC is safe and healthy.

Agree with the posters above about diagnosis if solely postpartum.

Oh bless you. It made me sad when you said people with your illness can often harm people, when statistically, people with your illness are more likely to be the one harmed than doing the harming

Sounds like you're in a great place now, well done for all your hard work and commitment x

The child’s safeguarding file will be passed onto school. It will include all entries including any social services reports that have been uploaded. School may contact social services for further information if there’s scant information regarding their interaction, again this is only done to safeguard the child not to embarrass you. Only designated safeguarding leads will have access to historic entries and in this case my school would not be informing class teacher as it is rather a while ago. It’s very important that school have a full historic picture to safeguard the child, you may have a relapse and school will be able to support you and your child immediately. At my school once we had read this information we would arrange a meeting with one of the DSL’s to check in with you and see if there is any support you need from us. I’d be very open and honest with school about the difficulties you had but that you have overcome them now. School are there to support your child and you not to judge.

Another who has worked in first episode psychosis and am interested to see if this was just post partum or whether there were multiple episodes?