AIBU to disown my family?

[Alessoutingname]

Long story so as to not drip feed.

I have a large family with lots of siblings. Younger sister has (since young teen) an issue with illegal drugs. Quite a big problem that has gotten her into bother over the years with police and courts etc but parents always bailed her out.

Years ago I offered to pay for her to go into a facility and initially she agreed however a day before initial consultation she pulled out telling me she didn’t want to stop taking drugs and didn’t want to waste my money because she will never stay off them. Not delighted about it but it’s her life and I was grateful she didn’t allow me to waste money knowing she would come out and use again.

I’ve never taken an illegal substance in my life. I am a professional and live a quiet, boring but very happy life without drama. Never been involved with police and never brought issues to my parents door growing up.

Obviously I am aware of my sisters drug use and she knows that I have a zero tolerance approach to it and before now would not use/be under the influence when I’m around.

An argument broke out during the week at a family party between her and I because she wanted to use in my presence and around lots of other people including our parents. I left the party and went home immediately after this.

However since this my family have all fallen out with me. See me as a trouble maker by not allowing my sister to do what she likes because in their opinion she’s an adult and can do what she likes. FWIW, no one else (to my knowledge) in my family uses illegal substances.

I have tried explaining that being around someone using these things doesn’t sit right with me in general causes me great anxiety because of the unpredictability but also would without a shadow of a doubt cost me my job if it was reported to my employers that I was knowingly in the company of someone in possession of/using drugs.

What have I done wrong here because I cannot for the life of me fathom how this scenario has been turned around on me to make me look like I’m the unreasonable party here.

What would you do in this scenario? Currently I’m thinking of cutting everyone in my family off so I can enjoy my boring but peaceful life.

So AIBU to cut my family off?

To be honest if it was not your house etc then I think it would have been better to have got up and leave rather than getting into an argument. I totally agree with your stance about drugs and I would not want to be around someone using them either.

Agree with pp. Apologise for causing a fuss, and in future just leave rather than arguing about it.

Why would they support your druggie sister over you in this situation? It sounds like you’ve been supportive and tried to help her. I agree with pp though there’s no point getting into a row with an addict, you will never win. You should have just left.

If your family are blaming you then yeah I wouldn’t bother with them unless they make contact with you and apologise. Your stance is perfectly reasonable.

I agree.

Just to add, I try to keep out of her way however she sought me out and approached me 3 times. On the third time I let myself down and allowed myself to be goaded into an arguement.

My exit was very low key. I simply just left, got into my car and went home. However it is being made out like I made some big dramatic exit.

May or may not be important to add. I was totally sober (not through choice, I just was unable to secure a lift home and live over a hours drive away from the party with no public transport links) while everyone else had some alcohol onboard.

That is very common almost to default levels in dysfunctional families. Every effort is made to not see the dysfunction so everyone is supposed to just ignore it and the most dysfunctional person continuously erodes everyone else’s boundaries.

For me it would depend what she was doing, lighting a joint and injecting heroin are the extreme ends of the spectrum. I don't see how it would cost you your job. Surely even if you were a policeman unless you were doing the drugs yourself. Couldn't she go off around a corner and do what she wanted. I wouldn't of picked an argument,I would of gone home.

Keep things very neutral with your family. If they raise the subject simply say, 'I do not agree with illegal drug taking and I'm never going to put myself in the position of being in a place where someone is doing that. That is why I simply left. If you disagree then that's up to you, but I am well able to decide for myself where my line in the sand is'.

And I'd then change the subject. If they keep bringing it up, then yes. I'd stop having anything much to do with them.

Some booger sugar. See this is my point. If she wants to do it, do it but have the respect for me not to put me in that position and go to a toilet and snort what you like.

Instead she literally sought me out to tell me she was going to get some and do it infront of me.

I don't understand this... If this wasn't a typical MN middle class coke party, don't most folks just take themselves off to privately indulge in their drug taking?
Who just whips out thwor gear in full view of everyone and starts using, and who are these people that want you to pretend it's normal?

Sounds like the sister did it on purpose to goad an argument 🙁

I feel like she was trying to make some type of a point. What that point was I still don’t know.

Well yes and unfortunately I let myself down and gave her the argument.

However this is after many many years of her pushing my boundaries. I’ve not actually spoken to her since Christmas when she assaulted me infront of our mum and her child. On this rare occasion she had her son who was 5 at the time and unsettled and she literally screamed obscenities in his face. I asked her not to do that and she physically assaulted me (nothing that caused pain or left lasting injury) but enough for me to be fearful and lock myself in a bathroom until she calmed down and I could leave and go home.

Must have. I don't think YABU at all @Alessoutingname .
I wouldn't want to be around her or anyone supporting that foolishness.

I suspect she feels judged by you and is basically saying that she does not give a crap about what you think. There is no talking with people like that unfortunately. Sounds like your family expected you to suck it up and not spoil the party vibe. I would be going very low contact with them all and avoid social events that she is at as much as possible.

It was a deliberate provocation to take the piss out of your job, your life, you.

She’s so messed up she resents you for being normal. If you were messed up too, then she could blame (eg) her upbringing for why she’s so messed up. Your existence is evidence that her ‘faults’ lie within her. It’s a flawed logic but she’s stuck in it.

Your parents / family probably feel guilty, among other things. It seems your success also challenges them, too, at some level.

You’ll never fully understand family dynamics like this so I wouldn’t waste your precious energies. It just is what is, and you deserve a break from it all and some blessed peace.

If your sister wanted to take drugs at a venue or someone else's house, then that's between your sister, the venue/home owner, not you. If your sister had wanted to take drugs in your home, that's completely different, but she didn't. You'd have been better to have made no comment, and quietly left. I have a zero tolerance level for drugs, as I have seen what it does to a person, via my husband's cousin (he has a drug and alcohol problem).

To a degree your family are correct, your sister is a grown adult, and it's her choice. Would it had made any difference to your sister, if her entire family had kicked up a fuss over her wanting to take drugs? Absolutely not. Nothing you or your family say or do, will make a blind bit of difference.... she's an addict. She'd have taken drugs, with or without yours or the rest of her families approval.

I don't think you not wanting to be around someone, who's as high as a kite, is unreasonable. Addicts are unpredictability, and erratic. I understand regarding your job too, my husband is in the same position. However, in the position you were in, you just leave quietly without passing comment...anything else is wasted energy.

Actually this is totally normal. Parents/family me mbers often take on an enabler role for the addict.

To add: in your situation (and I was) I wouldnt disown my family but I would refuse to see the addicted sibling. My parents were very upset when I took that stance but I did continue having a relationship with them, just one w no more family get togethers.

I would honestly stay away from all of them. They sound very dysfunctional and I like a quiet life!

Thanks for all the advice given.

I can see where I went wrong now in engaging with an argument (not a full screaming match, the two of us having a heated exchange with only one other who witnessed it) when I should have just left.

I did set my boundary with family that I wasn’t falling out with anyone but I’m not prepared to be around my sister. They don’t seem to want to accept that boundary so I will continue to be very low contact with them.

@Alessoutingname , I think at this time I would distance yourself from your sister but try and maintain a relationship with the rest of your family. I hope that can work for you but if it doesn’t then you must do whatever it takes to keep your peace.

So it isn't just that she's doing something you disapprove of, she is rubbinv your nose in it.

And that creates a second problem, namely that she uses family social situations to provoke you.

Your family are enabling both her objectionable behaviours but making you oug to be the bad guy and even exaggerating your quite exit into an offense.

I'd drop the lot of them - they have no respect for you.

You are stable and settled and sensible. You don't need to be worried about. Your sister is not any of those things and is vulnerable (partly through her own bad choices, but maybe partly due to her own mental health, past hurts, whatever). Your family is doing a hell of a lot of mental gymnastics to protect the weak, vulnerable sister and put the blame for the unpleasant atmosphere on you, because you are acting like a trillion watt lighthouse on the shitty family dynamics. They resent you because you don't conform.
I would certainly emotionally withdraw from your family to protect yourself. It won't get better

Who was looking after her son whilst she was taking drugs?

Sorry - but I also have a zero tolerance for drug taking. And I have zero tolerance for people who effectively enable, facilitate and condone drug use by not removing a person doing it.

Drugs are obtained illegally - through criminal cartels who are often involved in more than just drug trafficking - so I would not stand for it. In your shoes, and regardless of whether the argument was seemly or not, yes I would have left and yes I would break contact with these members of my family. They are part of her problem.