To not like suggesting meet ups in group WhatsApp?

[summerstarts]

I am in a group WhatsApp and have been since ds was a baby with other mums. We used to meet very regularly but as the children have got older it’s tapered out a bit; understandable but we’ve now nearly six years of shared history, had two holidays together and been to weddings and parties and shared a lot. So I guess what I’m saying is these aren’t friendships that started on maternity leave and fizzled once we were all back at work.

However, if I ever suggest doing anything I get some responses which I can only describe as a bit … pompous. Sort of ‘why thank you for your invitation but I am afraid as a family we have decided to stay in this weekend.’ Other responses seem almost affronted ‘oh god no I can’t think of anything worse’ which are probably meant to be humorous but can be a bit hurtful to be honest. (I get that tone can be misplaced over text.)

The obvious conclusion to draw is not to suggest anything but then we’d never meet, and the friendships will fizzle which is a shame.

I know it’s probably just one of those silly things that I should get over but I do find stuff like this really bothers me.

Are you suggesting meet ups with the kids?

I would let someone else suggest the meet up next time. Shouldn’t always rest on one person’s shoulders to keep the group going.

Do other people get the same response? Its hard to tell if it's just you suggesting meet ups that are being turned down or if others are suggesting them too and being accepted.

If it's the former then maybe it's just fizzled out as the kids have got older. Are they at the same school?

Maybe it has just fizzled out. I tend to find letting go hard, especially when you have shared history and so on.

Most meet ups are with children @TheHateUGive , there’s nights out but only maybe two or three times a year.

I think that by 6, the kids have their own social life that the parents have to be a part of, so in terms of playdates with kids, they happen less frequently because you're already doing those with their new friends from school and hobbies as well as family.

I think that adult nights might be more successful if you have a genuine friendship with them. After all, it isnt your kids who met and bonded, it was you parents.

Do you suggest things to do as a group all the time? Maybe just message 1 or 2 people individually?

True, but I guess what puzzles me is why not ‘aww would love to but we’ve arranged to see a school friend.’ As the children have grown up together as well. I can’t really go on nights out so restricted to the day!

I probably should but it feels a bit cliquey that way, although generally is more positive.

Sounds like they kind of haven’t let go enough to actually leave the group (as in they don’t mind a bit of gossip via WhatsApp) but aren’t interested in real life friendships now. It happens - I have found that the vast majority of acquaintances you describe as friendships are only really in that situation eg change school, change address, marital breakdown, return to work or simply kids are older and they break down. I’ve moved a lot due to ex’s work and found you rarely keep in touch beyond a little Facebook banter once you move, despite the whole leaving party/tears/ must keep in touch /even a lovely gift one time from a friendship group … friends are circumstantial so often, they don’t mean it badly it’s just out of sight out of mind.

To be fair in most antenatal groups people don't gel and socialise with all of the mums so meeting up 1-1 would be more usual. Also as the children get older they have their own school friends and activities so time is more limited. Have you suggested catching up 1-1 or just saying we're off to X park this weekend if you fancy an impromptu catch up.

I'm curious as to what you're suggesting though given their reposes.

As the saying goes, people enter our lives for a season, a reason or a lifetime.

Some friendships aren’t going to last, and that’s normal.

@VIII nothing wild I promise! just ‘I was going to take DS to the cinema Sunday if anyone fancies joining us?’ Very low key no pressure. I don’t actually mind (or even expect) people not to answer at all, or ‘oh would have loved to but we’ve arranged X’ (even if it’s a wee fib!)

I don’t know what most groups do, don’t think we’re especially weird but maybe we are!

I think it seems rude if people say we can't as meeting a school friend and then keep saying it, hence the more casual response.

It sounds like you are more invested in meeting than the others. Maybe redirect your energy to other friendships.

If you're meeting up with the children sometimes and without them 2-3 times a year, who is initiating those meetups?

I think once kids start school especially if at different schools they naturally develop their own new friendships.

We had a first time mum group and three/four of us were all quite close. They all attended each others birthdays in reception and year one but then after that we only saw each other a handful of times after they started school. I will be forever grateful for their friendships and look back on early days fondly. We haven’t fallen out and will still chat if we met up accidentally and would ask after each others kids (but that was it really). Kids are now in early 20’s.

Maybe let someone else initiate the meet ups going forward, look to other friendships for you and your DC and maybe come to terms with the fact that its just one of those things and the friendships may have naturally fizzled out.

Yeah I think you’re probably right @Pistachiomonster . I think it’s been a bit difficult as the responses put me off suggesting anything, which kind of naturally means it will fizzle! I was in two minds about suggesting the cinema then thought I was being silly then was a bit put out t a couple of replies.

It’s always nice to make new friends but equally it’s nice when you’ve got people who are constants if you like.

Few antenatal groups keep going after children start school.
Ours met 1-2 times a week in first year, then when mums returned to work it was mainly birthdays and a few mums/dads nights out. Now we only keep in contact with 1 family, who we see regularly and are close too.

Not sure why it is a shame that this friendship group should fizzle out - they sound awful OP

Start with ‘who’s up for a meeting soon’? and then text the people who’ve responded ‘yes’ to discuss a suitable date and to discuss what to do? Some groups I’m in also do polls, eg ‘Reunion meeting - select the dates that would work for you’, then offer a few dates and a ‘not this time’ option.

I was in a whatsapp group. I asked them all to an event i had free tickets to. They all declined.
Now i only engage in these groups for info about in person meet ups.
Is there anyone in particular you want to remain in touch with.
I understand op this stuff nakes me sad too.

Doesnt seem as if they are into it so I’d stop suggesting.
I guess you just have to figure out the dynamics of any group. We had a regular coffee morning after drop off starting when my kids were in primary. 8.30 so even those with jobs could come for a quick coffee on occasion. Years pass and eventually at 16 some kids left the school, and more importantly MY kid left the school and the coffee mornings started to get more sporadic. I then moved away but came back every month or so and always suggested a meet up. Everyone enjoyed it and always asked themselves why didn’t they do it more regularly? So now they are back on a weekly schedule, no pressure some weeks everyone is busy and some of them only show up every six months or so, but they had to get over the ‘we meet up because our kids are at school together’ (most of the kids weren’t even friends with each other) to ‘we meet up because we enjoy each others company’. Now all our kids are early 20s, and so we all have long histories which makes it even more special that we are still in touch.

I think it probably just has run its course but the group is still active and we do meet. It’s a lot easier for them to meet up I guess as I have a younger child too.

I’ve been through 3 of the mum groups. The first fizzled out during reception year. The kids developed their own friendships, parents were back at work. But some people did make close friendships with one or two people from the group that lasted after the group. I was shocked though as i thought the group was solid. i came away with no friendships.

Second time it drifted around nursery age but I made a good friend from the group who i stayed close to for around 15 years .

i realised by the third group that the group rarely survives long term so the way to keep friendships was to make friends with a couple of people independently of the group. I have two friendships from that group which have been strong for around 10 years. That group again drifted around reception.

Thanks - I guess I’d have said we were, but maybe not! It’s always difficult when you’re out of sync with others though.

Op I stopped the group things as nobody else wanted to plan it.. 5 us. Now I just meet one for coffee. Some mams back working and not as free. Was pain in a* planning the last one so its drifted off. Think Im better in smaller meetups