AIBU to feel resentful about work, money and commuting in my 50s?

[Highnone]

I’m early 50’s and I am really starting to find my long commute and stressful job a lot harder than I did 5 years ago - I’m physically so exhausted most of the time.
This is compounded by not feeling the financial benefits I thought I would at this stage of my career. My children are finishing exams and I’d love to take them away for a few days as a treat. But there just isn’t the spare money to do this - everything costs so much!
How do I move on from feeling resentful and how can I keep going for another 10 years!

Feeling your pain!

I am mid-50’s & band 7, single parent, knackered.

just been through a bereavement (parent) & cannot see myself working beyond 60.

Do you have SCS status? If you’re in the 1995 section you can retire at 55.

I’m 59 caring for elderly parents (mum has Alzheimer’s) working full time, with a 80mile round commute to office. If it wasn’t for Covid bringing in hybrid working I would have had a breakdown by now - I am exhausted. Another 8 years will probably finish me off but I need my state pension as well as my work one to have enough to live off. At least I only have an office job, it must be horrendous doing a full on physical role til you are 67.

I’m 50 and my kids are 20 and 22 and I can confirm that when they leave home it gives you SO much more capacity in your life. I miss them like mad, but the headspace I have without them at home full time is incredible.

lovely when they return. Lovely when they share excitement and drama. Even more lovely that the drama is not every day!

are your skills transferable to the private sector with a shorter commute ? I hear you by the way 54 in a high pressure job and breadwinner I am really digging deep to keep going but I do WFH a lot which helps.

I could have written your post word for word. I'm mid 50s and sick and tired of feeling sick and tired.
My days are travel to work, work, travel home, too knackered and too skint to do anything apart from watch TV for a couple of hours, bed, ....repeat.

The thought of doing this for at least another 10 years fills me with dread.

What's the point?

I agree. Some people just don't live in the real world 😕

I used [email protected] cheng von toon - recommended to me in the nhs pensions facebook page and he gave me solid advice - I claimed my 1995 pension without reducing my hours and got my lump sum within a week of applying. I’m 61 and will work for another year and a bit in his advice to maximise my 2015 pension

So a number of points:

if you have a house in the expensive SE that’s an asset.

look at your children - what expenses do you have coming up? Uni would usually be the big one, so think about where they want to go and how much you can afford.

your house is an asset and you can look at downsizing or moving area to retire. This is very common as once you are retired you don’t need to be in an expensive area.

get specific advice about your pensions.

I feel your pain but at least when the dc leave home you cam downsize. I'm almost 61, work a zero hours job in a warehouse which is very physical and have no hope of retiring. Most of my friends retired when they were about 58 and are now swanning around the world. At least my dc have made better choices.

It's crazy isn't it! It's up there with someone who yesterday recommended selling a house so they could get a council house because they'd be 'better off'. 🤦‍♀️🤣

There are some really helpful NHS pension pages on FB offering free webinars and advice. Or your trust may have some useful resources.

😱 at the poster saying to stop paying Bills

@Highnone is it tiredness or lack of money that's bothering you most

Consider yourself lucky to have a job. I am 50, have kids who need me, do not drive and am always between awful part time jobs and there are no more jobs left in my local town, except a carer's job but apparently my back get hurt easily - so

May ask Maam where did you come from or from which planet you
ve fallen

I am also 50s in NHS.

Re: HRT, if you've pretty much always been on the same dose then you may find you need to up it. Made a massive difference to me in that respect.

I've also done two things. Decided to locum, yes there's the risk, but I'm 4 years in and love it. Not regretted it, continuously had work, my experience is valued and I love the fact I don't have to put up with any substantive crap I do have a bit of a commute, but it's not my circus so none of it affects me like it used to.

Secondly I decided to do the sums & take my 95 pension early at 55. Take advice about that, esp regarding tax position etc - it was easier for me as I was a deferred member.

Lots to think about. Think about your priorities and what you could do to make your life easier / more bearable.

Such a coincidence, I’ve been thinking exactly the same this evening. I’m 53, work in education (due an Ofsted any minute - enough said) and I’m so done. I just don’t have the energy anymore, minor health issues are starting to creep in and I just want to jack it in now and make a nice home for us to enjoy - it’s been completely neglected for last 15 years, and the garden too, as has our fitness and healthy eating.

DH is by far the main earner and I see the strain on him with his senior position and responsibility as he’s ageing and want to just look after him and make sure he eats properly and doesn’t have to think about doing his share of housework or gardening or shopping etc. I worry about what the stress and long hours are doing to his body.

When we were in our late 20s and bought our first flat we’d think nothing of spending every evening decorating it, ripping carpets etc after a London commute and long days, off round the country to visit family every third weekend. But the energy just isn’t there anymore. I watch my young adult kids doing it and feel sorry for them but then remember that we did it no problem at their age too.

i cant use HRT for medical reasons so not much I can do about menopause tiredness or anxiety etc. I just thibk it’s being in your 50s and still trying to do the same things you did in your 20s. It doesn’t work.

thinking about it, it’s not just me that’s changed. The workplace has changed beyond all recognition since the late 1990s. Shorter lunch breaks instead of an hour; no scheduled tea breaks; expectation that bits of overtime here and there is just meant to be done out of the goodness of your heart or because you’re “more team-spirited”; all the part time vacancies whjch years ago were done by many women my age disappeared years ago and their duties absorbed by the full timers. Small perks of the job have long gone in some parts of the public sector because they cost money and there is none. In education specifically there is SO much scrutiny now it’s unbearable. Constant change every time someone new comes into a senior position. Constant drive to improve that I don’t think was quite there years ago when you were arguably already doing a fantastic job. “Yes we know we’re good but how could we be EVEN BETTER? How can we do MORE?” Just stop!!

I think most women working full time in their 50s will totally get you, OP. We are all exhausted. I think the couple of people who don’t understand have maybe have had a different experience in terms of their working life or home life.

Yes, I'm out of work after redundancy and have been looking for 2 years, early fifties. I'm unemployable it would appear.

I think this number does something to women, even though I don't put age on CVs but something happened. I was able to walk in a new job within a week...not so and it has been two months....

God yes, late 50s here and absolutely sick of it all.

I think things changed rapidly after Covid. So much regulation now it's beyond a joke, new systems, CRM, AI, GDPR, ICO, HMRC, Cyber Essentials, ISO, make tax digital, all the scammers, cant speak to a utility company or bank without it taking 50 minutes and having to give your life story, account no, two random pin digits, wait for a code sent to your mobile, then you get cut off.

The mountain of regulations coming from all sides is ridiculous and dont get me started on all the employment law changes. The online training, all information is now delivered by video or in realtime online - I loath Teams and Podcasts - which takes hours. Before, you just read a document in ten minutes.

Ive had enough. I'm tired of absorbing work everytime someone leaves.

How old are you? If you’re mid to late 50s and worked in the nhs since you were 19 then you’ll be able to partially retire. Most people cut their hours by two days a week and earn broadly the same money. Worth investigating. There’s a Facebook page called Pengage of something where you can get advice

Just look at the nhs pensions facebook page it’s really good

I'm 53, single parent, also recently been made redundant. Hated my job and would love to retire now but cant afford to yet. My daughter said i seem so much happier since i left work and more present, it makes me sad that she's grown up with that stressed and distracted version of me.

Job market is awful, very few roles at my level and with speed of change with AI and tech, worry I'll be unemployable within a year. I'd love to do something completely different but no idea what and dont have the courage when i'm sole breadwinner. Difficult times.

@ihateboris i could have written your post word for word almost. Im beyond fed up with it all

In a strange sort of way, it makes me feel better knowing I'm not the only one feeling like this.

Some people just don't have a clue what it's like to struggle and be truly skint. My car needs work done to get it through its MOT. A work colleague suggested I just buy a new car. Wtaf?

I'm in mid fifties in a senior role and the only thing that helps is wfh 3 days a week and working a nine day fortnight so I get every other Friday off.

I would dearly love to cut down to 3 days a week or partly retire but my pension is pants and I have two teenage children to support through uni in the next 5 or so years.

Working to 67 fills me with absolute dread but I can't see how a way out unless we inherit or win the lottery!