AIBU to feel resentful about work, money and commuting in my 50s?

[Highnone]

I’m early 50’s and I am really starting to find my long commute and stressful job a lot harder than I did 5 years ago - I’m physically so exhausted most of the time.
This is compounded by not feeling the financial benefits I thought I would at this stage of my career. My children are finishing exams and I’d love to take them away for a few days as a treat. But there just isn’t the spare money to do this - everything costs so much!
How do I move on from feeling resentful and how can I keep going for another 10 years!

Can you look for a different job that’s closer or remote, depending on your industry?

Sounds like you need to find another job that is closer and less stressful

Ideally in the future yes, I’m in the NHS and at my level there are very few roles - especially with the most recent structural changes. I’m the main earner so I need to maintain my salary. This is where the trap is.

This might feel left-field but how are your peri- or menopausal symptoms being managed? I ask because I felt low, resentful and tired of everything before I got HRT. Sending you for what I can hear is a busy time.

It’s a good question. I’m on HRT, which has helped me but it’s likely my mood is still impacted. I have so many good friends who are starting to wind down or have continued to work part time and if I am honest I envy their set up so much!

Are you a clinician? Can you look into private practice? I am a clinician and do 3 days NHS, and 1 day private practice. It makes life a lot more balanced. Private practice is more money too, which would help on that end.

I am the same age and would struggle with full time work now. Not so much because I feel old and knackered but because my priorities are different at this stage of life, and I would also resent working full time when I want a better work life balance.

I have a clinical background and my job requires me to have. However, my clinical work is very limited as I am now in a leadership role.
I agree fully about priorities, I would so welcome more time at home, the opportunity to ensure my house is running smoothly etc.

I'm 52 and a few years ago ended up a single parent.
I had no pension, career etc as I (stupidly) relied on my exdp.

I can very much relate, feeling trapped and looking at friends and family of the same age as me, preparing for retirement

Theres no light at the end of the tunnel as its very unlikely I will be able to afford to retire.

That sounds rough OP. I know what you mean about expecting better financial rewards for the slog by this stage of life.

I see you are on HRT. Have you tried taking creatine? I have found it a mood booster and it helps with focus. It's supposed to help with energy too - I'm fortunate to work from home - although I'd much rather a hybrid set-up.

Do you have the option to work from home a few days?

Do you have a menopause/women's network at the NHS Trust you work for?

It doesn’t sound as though you’re in a low paid job, and the children are almost grown, so where is all the money going? Do you have a high mortgage? Could you downsize? If things are tight then I would be looking at expenses.

If you’re the main earner and still feeling like you need to run the home is this a problem with a male partner not stepping up?

I really feel for you and I’m not sure what to suggest, maybe a job with a shorter commute or hybrid working? This makes me so glad that I had my kids young as I’m in my early 40’s and knackered. I’m hoping in ten years they’ll all be moved out as they’ll be late 20’s early 30’s by then.

It's tough. So many of us in nhs in 50s are burning out. Im beyond lucky that dh is main earner but my friend is exactly the same
She moved house to cut her commute which helped massively. But not everyone can do that. Another lady is actually.lodging couple nights a week near hospital and has condense hours so droves down works a day then two nights as a lodger then drives home to have 5th day off

It also doesnt help in nhs we still have a few of golden pension about on 1995 scheme where they could retire super early

I know what you mean - I am 58 and in a similar level clinical role - I’m truly knackered and full time. I recently applied for another job at an even higher level and got it and although part of me thinks what the hell am I doing, I think one last push potentially in a more supportive organisation is going to be better. Maybe you need a change?

I think it's scary that people are retiring at 50 or just after. I really don't feel I'm at that stage at all in my 50s. Yes I'd love to not work but I don't feel like a pensioner at all.
If you don't like your job maybe a change would do you good? It's easy to get into a rut.
Downsize the house in a year or 2, if kids are growing up? Can your partner get a better job to take the pressure off, if you have a partner.
Healthwise have you had B12 levels checked?

I’ve been in a similar position to you op (though I’m now 60, partially retired earlier in the year and will finish fully before Christmas) I can’t currently due to a colleague leaving but find even one day a week wfh makes such a difference if you can get support to do that.
As pp suggested, you may be able to get some support from the women’s network if you have one.
Taking your pension early may be possible-the actuarial reduction isn’t a penalty, just an adjustment because you are paid the pension for a longer period. You need to be the minimum pension age for the scheme you are in but may be helpful to really understand your options as you may find you don’t have to hang on in there for as long as you fear!

You should be grateful that the NHS allows anyone to work past 50. In the private sector you'd be in the scrapheap by now.

@RachelGreep87 all SLT in the private sector are not being replaced when they leave. I have friends in their early 50s who have been job hunting two years

I’ve used a really good nhs pension adviser who give a good advice on your options

@Highnone i totally feel your pain and high five you. I’m 51, I work full time, commute is 90 mins in each direction, I’m battling various vitamin deficiencies, anaemia, sleep apnoea, recovery from a hysterectomy, paying for private physio, high stress, three kids, high outgoings meaning there is never enough money for any nice things, selling as much as I can on Vinted to make ends meet. I’m totally burnt out but I don’t feel like I have any options. In reality I could be working for another 10–15 years. I’m watching friends and colleagues retiring all the time. I cried all the way home from a recent retirement do. I was a bit pissed and tired but I just feel so hopeless. Solidarity.

Yes we have a high mortgage - we live in a 3 bed house but we are in an expensive area of the south east. In the future there is something to consider downsizing or moving. We bought at the peak of prices and we struggled during the years of both children in nursery. We have not benefited from any generational wealth!

My DH has stepped up, he is on the peak of what he earns, I have been on a more successful career trajectory.

solidarity to my fellow female colleagues that are in a similar boat.

I am very keen to get some financial advice re the pension. I’ve laid in since in was 19

I feel your pain. 52, kids finally through uni. Work is tiring now compared to what it used to be. Ex left me in debt plus didn't pay so I have funded everything for the kids since teen years. I am incredibly envious of people who are looking to retire/ work less hours. I just can't see when i will feasibly retire. I will have to suck it up I suppose. Best jot to dwell on it
I am full of energy at the weekend when I can do what makes my eyes sparkle. But the work days are exhausting and I am pretty active and fit. Anyway health is wealth.

Pay as much. Or pay off your mortgage . Stop paying bills except ENERGY bill. Work, enjoy life with the rest of your money. Don't fret too much about ethics because you are approaching the time of life where, if you become sick or disabled, the State will strip you of all your assets and put you in residential home.

Omg probably the most useless advice I’ve ever seen!!!