AIBU to expect DH to check in during a stag do?

[Loub1987]

I think I am maybe being unreasonable, so actually people telling me that will be helpful.
DH has gone on a stag do for four nights and isn’t doing anything to contact me in the day to see if I’m ok or the kids are.

For reference we have a 3 year old and a 6 year old.

All I’ve really gotten is him occasionally sharing pictures of his food (weird!). I have face timed him once as the kids insisted.

Would you expect your husband or parent of your child to call you to check in while on a trip away?

Everyone is different - this is the conversation you both have before he leaves so that expectations are clear - guess that didn't happen? I wouldn't expect it, but I don't have kids. I don't think you can assume anything retrospectively if you've not have the chat before he's left.

Everyone has different communication styles - some people check in relentlessly, some people do it on spec, some people don't do it at all as they assume they will be told if something is up. Only you know what communications style your husband has and what is acceptable between the two of you. There is no right or wrong.

No I wouldn't.
And I don't "check in" either if I'm only away for a few days.
I do expect my husband to be reachable in case of emergency but that's all.
My husband is awa at a 4 day wedding right now and other tha a quick chat on the phone when I was looking for something that he put away and I needed urgently I haven't heard from him and don't expect to.

When my DH goes on work trips he often gets absorbed into whatever he is doing and doesn’t contact us a lot.
when our children were little they often wanted to speak to him so I had to be the one to check in for him to call.
so yes, it would be nice if he did check in with you OP but is probably just engaged with what he is doing x

Personally I wouldn’t expect it, but DH would hate to go a day without speaking to DS so I’d imagine he’d FaceTime once a day. This is what he does when he’s away for work (plus sometimes a longer FaceTime just to catch up with me when DS is in bed). I wouldn’t expect the latter on a trip for fun, but I’d be surprised if he didn’t still do the former.

I opened this expecting to say you were unreasonable because I was assuming this was just while he was away overnight / out for one day. Four days when you’re at home with young kids is a bit different. I don’t think he has to check in and make sure you’re ok (I’m sure you are very capable and that you would contact him if there was a problem) but, equally, I think it’s a shame he doesn’t feel more like he ‘owes’ you the courtesy of checking in when you’re doing his half of the work at home so he can go off and have fun. I’d feel a little taken for granted, I think.

What did you agree before he went. You DID discuss this beforehand didn't you? If not, why not?

No. When my husband is away he doesn't need to "check in" because he's an adult and so am I. If something happens that he needs to know about then I'll tell him. Otherwise, no expectations whatsoever regards contact, and likewise when I'm away.

Absolutely if you have kids, I’d expect a quick call to say hi to them at those ages. And a quick check with myself to see how was sleep/kids doing okay/I’m alive etc! When you’re away for four days, what would your pattern of communication be?

I don’t really get why he would text and ask if you’re OK? If you weren’t OK, you’d have contacted him to tell him something had happened wouldn’t you? So I expect he’s just enjoying his time away and assuming that no news is good news.

I do get that it can cause resentment knowing he’s off having a whale of a time and you’re home with the kids and the chores and the daily grind but try not to begrudge him a little break - just get started thinking about where you’ll go for a weekend break soon!

I'd prefer to think my partner would want to, as it would be nice to think he was interested in checking we were OK, and was thinking of us. Just knowing there isn't an emergency isnt the same as knowing your family are happy, wanting to speak to your kids and let them speak to you. Not every 5 mins obviously, but maybe once or twice.

Why wouldn’t you be ok? And surely if you weren’t you’d contact him?

I don't understand the need to 'check in' when away for a few days 🤷‍♀️ DH and I would only contact each other if there was a problem, otherwise I'd just leave him alone to have a good time with his friends!

When our kids were small, DH worked away most of the week and we rarely text each other - maybe a goodnight text occasionally but mostly he was busy working and I was busy looking after 5 kids!

Thanks all, I think the opinions are really helpful. What I will say is for context, not saying it’s a justification of my feeling. Our relationship is that he will call me everyday when he gets a chance if he’s on the road, he will text me several times a day, we talk about the kids a lot etc. I think maybe the shift change is difficult for me.

That being said he often goes away for a night for two and contacts me every day to just check in that bed time wasn’t too bad etc.

I wasn’t suggesting, that I wouldn’t be ok in the sense I would be in harm, more that I would be fed up or just need a chat.

Thanks all 🙂

But wouldn't he want to chat with, at least, the 6 year old if he's away for 4 days? Surely he would be insisting to speak to them not them insisting to speak to him?

This seems rather cold and detached to me, but if it works for you and your husband fair enough. I am an adult, as is my husband, but we’ve been together 25 years and are used to being in each others company so when we’re away for over a day will tend to “check in” and at the very least say “night, love you” or similar. It wouldn’t work for me or him to have radio silence for four days.

It sounds like when you're both working - him on the road, you at home - that you check in regularly and keep the wagon rolling.

But this is a bit of a holiday for him, so I don't think assuming how he acts when he is working on the road would be the same in this situation.

Again, I do think you would have benefited if you had both discussed this before he went away. But I don't think you can compare it to a work trip for him.

Well many conflicting opinions (which is useful, as I am now no longer mad at him 😂). Just need a good night of sleep.

I have spoken to my friend and we are booking a trip away for us in September (sun for four nights!). I will however call every day. That’s just me!

If he’s away for work we are in contact. Checking in, chatting etc

If he’s off on a jolly with his mates I don’t want him to be in contact 🙈
He’ll either annoy me by showing off what a great time he’s having, sending stupid messages because he’s tipsy, or sending a message then getting distracted and forgetting o reply leading to me being worried that something disastrous has happened.

Facetimes are 50:50 on whether the kids are happy to see him or if it just reminds them that he’s away and leads to them getting upset as they miss him so also not something I push.

I think @TammySue you may have hit the nail on the head. He’s annoyed me by showing off what a good time he’s having. He hasn’t really engaged or checked on me but is sending me stupid photos of fancy dinners and bakeries etc. it’s pissed me off! 🙈

Everyone’s different as this thread is showing. When OH has been away in the past he would message in the morning to see how the night went with the 2 kids and a text in the afternoon/evening to check everyone was okay, see how their day had been. When OH has been away the odd few times, he’s missed the kids loads so he does text quite frequently. We’ve learnt not to do FaceTimes as it upsets my oldest as he’s a bit too young to understand why daddy’s not here.

Just because he is on a stag do doesn't mean he still isn't a husband and father.
Of course he should still check in with you

I don't understand the mentality a lot of pp on MN have that when a guy is on a drunken binge or stag do with his pals he suddenly gets to behave like a single man and is absolved of all obligations to his wife and family.

I go away quite regularly with friends and most of them are mothers too. I do find it slightly annoying if they are constantly on the phone "checking in" with their husbands, contacting them in the morning to ask how the night has been, then checking in during the day, then talking to the kids morning and evening, checking in again later to ask how bedtime went... we usually go away friday to sunday, so not that long and I really don't get the need for constant contact. This is all contact initiated by my friends, not by the husbands.
I always wonder if they also "check in" that often during the day when they are at work?

Yes I would expect it and my DH definitely would contact me once a day.

Sometimes the schedules on these events are insane and don't leave much time in between for anything else.

I think if you have expectations, you're best making this clear before he goes, rather than being surprised/annoyed/disappointed.

Why do you immediately assume people, no sorry, men, are on a drunken binge?

What about when women go away?