to feel a bit hurt by her response?

[cupofcup]

I have a good friend of over 10 years who moved hundreds of miles away. We've stayed close, speak regularly, and our birthdays fall on the same day.

When we lived near each other, she was always on time with birthday presents and never forgot. Since moving away, however, my present has been late for the last two years. I always make sure hers arrives on time every year. She loves the gifts I send and is always extremely appreciative.

This year she said she had received her birthday gifts and then she said, "I'm always late 🤷‍♀️".

I know a late present isn't the end of the world, and I appreciate that she sends one at all. But I suppose what bothers me is that she never used to be late, and the shrug emoji felt a bit dismissive rather than acknowledging it.

YABU, she sends it but late, you aren’t a child. She doesn’t need to do a gushing apology for it

She’s rude.

Does she have a lot going on in her life?

She retired two years ago so has lots of free time now. No major concerns or worries.

All I can think is she is not an organised person. Maybe, retirement has made slack in the admin stakes.

Or she doesn't place as much importance on you as you do on her. That's ok she clearly still cares. Maybe take a step back and send us a day or two after. She probably didn't say sorry because she's not. She is still your friend. I get why you are upset.

I’m assuming she was on time when hand delivered? But now she has to post it, it just feels all the more awkward to do. For some people, me included, can’t be bothered with the faff of sending a gift. Maybe you should just agree to stop the present giving. Sounds like they would appreciate that.

One of my oldest friends, her cards / gifts are always late, but I don’t care. Some people are just like that. Doesn’t mean she doesn’t care, as she does.

Maybe she wants to regift stuff which is why yours is always late!

@cupofcup if you don’t want to stop the present giving, next time buy off Amazon and send directly to her, or order a hamper online, a card through moon pig or a Waterstones e-voucher or something else easily ordered online. This will provide her with easy options to send you a gift back. This way she doesn’t have to go to the shops to choose the gift, go home and wrap it and then to the post office to send it.

Online is the way forward. Or just stop sending gifts.

My guess is that she probably wants to drop the present-sending, and you aren't taking the hint.

Just suggest that you don't do presents from now on?

I think you are right!

I have noticed this lately. The gifts are random things I have showed no interest in. She sent the same face cream 2 years in a row. I don't use any!

It is fine if she wants to drop it but why send me such gushing long messages about how much she loves the gifts I send?

I am happy to stop any time.

She doesn't know you well enough to buy presents any more.

She either orders online and has it sent to me or then sends random stuff spending extra on delivery to minimise its lateness. I get her gifts ready a month or two before. I don't mind shopping, wrapping etc as I usually do a few people's gifts at the same time.

Since she moved away 2 years ago, she no longer knows me well enough? Even though we talk pretty much every week?

Gifts are a real minefield. I don’t care at all if people get me a gift or not, or if it’s late etc. I’m also pretty slack about giving them. Me and my siblings constantly miss each others birthdays and send gifts late to nieces and nephews. We laugh about it and none of us care. But for some people, it is important and symbolises care and thought, I get it. Try not to take it personally though, it’s just different personalities, or ‘love languages’ as the young people say!

Honestly what is it with gifts - what’s the point - do we not have enough stuff already ? I don’t mind celebrating a friendship with an activity together etc but what do we need more clutter and stuff for??

It’s never been easier to send a gift, either by online delivery or by getting a bar code online, parcel drop, etc. Maybe in retirement she’s just not bothered? Effusive in her thanks, but not motivated enough to organise herself. How about suggesting you dial down the gifts, do a birthday phone call, and schedule a meetup instead?

ETA it’s okay to feel a bit hurt, but rather than continue the feeling, suggest an alternative.

The most Mumsnetty reply I’ve read today. It is LOVELY to receive a gift (if it’s thoughtful!) and usually in adulthood, you’re not exactly inundated with them.

Because she doesn't want to stop it. She wants to carry on receiving your lovely thoughtful gifts. Hence the gushing messages to make sure you keep sending them. So she can't send nothing, but at the same time showing you that she can't be arsed to make the same effort.

Some people are truly awful at being arsed to post things.

My Mum routinely loses money after ordering clothes online because she just cannot be bothered to pop returns to the post office.

At least she is sending something, OP.

I think this is a wise reply. If she’s a good friend in other respects I would try not to get too hung up on the gift-giving and just accept that you do have different ‘love languages’ in that particular regard. Are there some aspects of friendship where she tends to give more than you? Eg she’s more likely to host or to initiate meeting up or whatever? I think it can be easy to focus on the stuff where you feel like you are giving more, and ignore that there might be stuff that also feels unequal to them.

If it’s starting to feel like she’s making less effort than you across the board, though, I guess I would try to pay attention to that, and either have a non-accusing conversation about that (if you think it would be productive), like ‘hey I’m noticing this friendship feels a bit less close than it did, is it feeling like that to you too’. Or, maybe just adjust a bit and, as they say on Mumsnet, match her energy.

She’s probably not as into gift giving as you are. One of my friend’s is, she ls really fussy about choosing cards etc, I’m not into gifts at all but it doesn’t mean I don’t really value our friendship.
Could you suggest a get together instead?

Buy not everyone is into gifts, I’d prefer a meal out with a friend than a gift.