to feel a bit hurt by her response?

[cupofcup]

I have a good friend of over 10 years who moved hundreds of miles away. We've stayed close, speak regularly, and our birthdays fall on the same day.

When we lived near each other, she was always on time with birthday presents and never forgot. Since moving away, however, my present has been late for the last two years. I always make sure hers arrives on time every year. She loves the gifts I send and is always extremely appreciative.

This year she said she had received her birthday gifts and then she said, "I'm always late 🤷‍♀️".

I know a late present isn't the end of the world, and I appreciate that she sends one at all. But I suppose what bothers me is that she never used to be late, and the shrug emoji felt a bit dismissive rather than acknowledging it.

All I can assume is that when you lived closer/ saw each other more, your birthday may of come up in conversation, reminding her it was your birthday soon..... now she doesn't see you often maybe she relies on social media so only remembers to get you a gift once she's seen it'd your birthday online?

The thought is still clearly there if she's still taking the time to send a gift x

I honestly thought receiving a gift around the time of your birthday was fine. Who knew that giving a day or so 'late' made you rude.

Even if someone lives very locally, I might not see them on their actual birthday to give them a gift. What does it matter?

They have the same birthday.

YOU might find it lovely to receive an object - I personally value arranging experiences and sharing time together as a ‘gift’ ….

I’m not sure how you know how much she spends delivery but this present-giving isn’t working for her.Sound like it’s obligatory rather than something she wants to do.

What a fuss about nothing. You are not a child, she sends you a gift, why do you care if it's late? I rather like a late gift, it's nice to spread things out.

I have a friend on the other side of the world. I send gifts for her birthday and for Christmas, and make a point of thanking her for those she sends to me. She rarely bothers to even acknowledge those I send to her, which I consider to be much more rude than what you are complaining about.

I think this is accurate. I put a lot of though into getting gifts for her, making sure it is gifts she will like. But she seems to be emptying her cupboard of regifts.

Time for me to start making less effort and tone it down.

She was into gift giving when she lived nearby, Everything was beautifully wrapped and carefully chosen.

But since she moved, something has changed. Get togethers are not very often due to the distance.

Birthday is on the same day so kind of hard to forget!

I’m the last in a group of friends (over 40 years) to have a milestone birthday. Two of them never bothered to send a card. Got to say, it did upset me.

She used Royal Mail special delivery - the sticker and the price was on the label on the box.

That is fine but why keep being so gushing about the gifts I send her? I am happy to stop if she wants.

It is that she said "I'm always late 🤷‍♀️".

I have certain birthdays that always catch me out in that I suddenly think "agh! I'm running late".
These are because I have an annual thing that makes me really busy and it's something that doesn't get to the top of the must be done until right at the last minute, and then it only takes something else to slip the mind.

For example I used to be involved in a local panto. Every weekend all day plus an evening for rehearsals from a couple of months beforehand, then evenings were spent with admin or sewing costumes.
My sister's birthday fell either in the middle of the performances or immediately after.
So I'd be thinking "must do the presents. I'll just finish the dame's ballgown." Then a phone call would come in with an issue over a child's licence, which would be urgent to sort out. Then once that was done I'd get the news the 24 children's elf costumes had disappeared so I'd need to sort those.
And the times it would occur to me that I really must get the presents done would be impossible to, like standing on the side if the stage hushing 12 excited 10yo...

My brother's otoh would normally be early because it fell round about the line we had a holiday so I'd get it done before we went away even if it was afterwards.

Although tbf my sister was notoriously very late for all presents.

I know what you mean. I put reminders in my phone, bulk buy cards in advance and buy gifts as I am going along throughout the year so I never get caught out if something else is going in my life (which it usually is!). I have a family member who is in and out of hospital so I do everything in advance as much as possible these days as life is unpredictable.

If the lateness bothered me this much (which it wouldn’t as I’d think of two days late as in time as often find birthday stuff is spread out over a whole week), I’d end the gift giving and arrange a catch up phone/video call near to both the birthdays instead.

I don’t think it’s a healthy thing to dwell on, you have a nice friend who does send you a present. You obviously enjoy choosing nice gifts so you are doing that as much for yourself as your friend.

She buys you stuff you don't use, you said so yourself.

That doesn't mean she does not know me. They are likely to be regifts.

Just stop the gift giving. It seems like you are busy enough with a family member going in and out of the hospital, to the point you are bulk buying cards and getting presents throughout the year. Is it really worth that mental aggravation all for buying an adult something that they can just get with their own money?
She is not “gushing”, she is just being grateful. She is hardly going to say she didn’t like your gifts!
Just stop all this drama if you are not enjoying it. I really couldn’t be fussed with posting presents.

I am happy to get the gifts. It is no mental aggravation for me as I enjoy it.

Did you see her messages so you know that she is grateful rather than gushing?

There is no drama and fine if you are not fussed with posting presents. That is you.

OP, drop the rope completely.
It is not good for your self esteem to be so mismatched in your effort and energy.

Take control and just say lets leave it, its clearly too much effort.
She is sending you tat.
Best not receive anything IMO.