Mum tried to steal my gold - wwyd?

[Zaina89]

So my mum stayed over last night to babysit the kids.
I was making dinner and took my gold bangles off ( they are 24ct Asian gold so they are worth a lot) I assumed as it was just me,my husband, my mum and the kids at home it would be fine. I have 2 bangles, 2 rings and left them on the kitchen worktop.

my mum never helps with cleaning, but she was all of a sudden wiping down the worktop on that side of the kitchen, now looking back have quite a big kitchen and she only cleaned that part. I told her to leave it and asked her what she was doing and she went “ oh it’s fine I’m helping”

the place I left my bangles aren’t easy to reach, my kids wouldn’t touch them either. My mum and husband were getting ready as my husband was going to drop my mum off at the train station when I suddenly noticed one of my bangles were missing, everything else was still there. I suddenly got this horrible feeling,
i know my mum struggles with money, is constantly asking me to borrow money and I’m always helping her, I had this horrible feeling she’d took it, at this moment in time she was on the stairs putting her shoes on.

and I shouted to my husband saying no one’s leaving the house until my bangle was found.
my mum kept shouting from the stairs “ oh maybe the baby’s took it” but she’s not tall enough to reach the worktop.
I said again that no one was going anywhere till it was found and suddenly my older daughter was coming down the stairs and found the bangle behind my mum where she was putting her shoes on.

I looked at my husband and automatically knew she’d tried to take it and only put it down on the stairs because I said no one was leaving until it was found.

I feel like this is the last straw with my mum and this is unforgivable. No matter how much she’s struggling it’s not an excuse. I always do my best to help her and she was stealing from me.

wwyd? Is it time to put my distance with her now?

YANBU

Why is she struggling for money?

YANBU she wouldn't be coming in the house and I wouldn't be giving her another penny.

My mum's husband stole my (and her) jewelry to sell it. It really is a sickening feeling that someone's taken something so personal just to get a few quid from a pawn shop.

Someone walking round with that mentality is just gross.

Yes that's a breach of trust that will damage the relationship terribly and cause distance no matter what you do. How awful. What is the nature of her financial urgency? Is she worrying about being made homeless or is it an addiction or does she just spend too much?

So she visited your house, enjoyed your hospitality, then tried to steal an expensive bangle from you whilst trying to place the blame on one of your young, innocent children. Wow, what a piece of work! I've no advice but I don't think I would ever trust her again.

I just can't believe a mother would do that!

its disgusting the she stole it, even worse she trued to blame your kids. I'd honestly keep her at a great distance & she would not be coming back in my house or seeing my kids.

If my mum was struggling for money to that extent I'd give her more than a bangle. I'd have sat down and talked to her abd offered to help.

I’m always giving her money to help with food and bills, she’s always asking me so she had no reason to try and steal my jewelry when she’s never been afraid of asking me to lend her money, even though I know she will never give it back and I didn’t ask her too, because I always help her. She’s always been like this her entire life. Stealing and asking!
she wastes her money on useless things, doesn’t budget etc.
I’ve tried my best with her.

You are not doing her any favours by constantly giving her money. She doesn't appreciate it and doesn't learn to budget while you enable her. This is a lesson to you to stop the enabling now

Well you know your mum best, obviously she's been struggling and you have felt compelled to help her out.
She's now taken your generosity to a whole new level; stooping to stealing.
Does she live a fair distance away from you?
If she had gotten away with taking it, it wouldn't have been quite so easy to go after her if she didn't live that close by, likely why she tried it.
She has definitely destroyed any trust you may have had in her, someone who can lie and steal and blame other family members is in a bad way and of course your trust has been broken and I would be inclined not to help her anymore, or at least not as often or as much.
She's either been like this all her life, or she's become desperate enough to do this despicable thing. Not a good role model for her DGs.

It sounds like it's part of her personality and you have reached the end of the road. I understand. It's ok to stop being part of this.

I’d see it more as a cry for help. Why is she struggling financially? Can you get her some financial advice and support her to manage her finances better?

OP, it's clear your mother has issues, so ignore people coming along trying to make you feel guilty. This obviously isn't a typical parent/child relationship, and it does sound like you've tried with her. You shouldn't have to worry about your own mother robbing you. As it's behaviour she's exhibited for a while and not early signs of dementia, you wouldn't be unreasonable to put restrictions on how, when, and where you see her.

Does she work and have her own money, and spend it all?

She works part time as a cleaner, and gets benefits.
my 2 brothers still live at home and they each put money towards rent etc.
she goes shopping every day ( won’t do a weekly food shop) and says she spends £50/£60 a day on food.
I’ve advised her to do weekly food shop etc but she won’t listen to me.
she’s constantly shopping on shein and temu even though says she’s struggling for money , taking things out on Klarna and clear pay. In a lot of debt.
apart from this I don’t know where she spends her money. A few times a month she says she needs money for food.
very often goes into shops selling her electronic devices etc, has always done this since I was little.

Well that’s mental ill-health, isn’t it?

No it's not. Its poor money management. Its not necessarily anything to do with mental health.
We can all make poor decisions about our lives without it being related to our mental health.

She's got history of this OP. I'd steer clear or at least reconsider my boundaries around her. Its really sad that you're not able to leave your bangles out around your mum. It sounds like you handled it well.

Are you sure your DC didnt take it to play with?

Are you 100% sure she took it? Have you asked her?

I do agree that you are entitled to put in restrictions on when and where you see her and for how long. My own “D”M has behaved appallingly in my home so she very rarely comes here now.

Depending on if you want to talk to her or not, you could tell her that unfortunately you’ve had a change in circumstances and cannot give her anymore money and suggest she contacts Stepchange about her debts or you could just start saying no and stop inviting her around.

Hi OP, this sounds really difficult. Your Mum just seems totally unable to budget and calculate what she actually should do
However trying to steal your bangles is outrageous. Especially when she knows she knows you will lend her the money if she needs it.
I would talk to her about it to clear the air. I would also stop pending her money and maybe have a meeting with her and your brother's to go through what they are giving her and so a budget can be established. Hope you are OK after this. Xxxx

Time to go very low contact and never see her in your home. Your mom's an opportunistic thief.

If your kids have anything nice and pawnable, she'll be stealing from them if you let her in your home and give her opportunity.

It was 100% her.
my older kids wouldn’t touch my jewelry, it was to far up for the baby to reach.

her body language was off after and she was very nervous and in a rush to leave. My husband dropped her off at the train station and he said she was acting off and nervous.
it’s not the first time,
she’s stolen £10 and £20 out of the kids wallets before. Never admitted it but I’ve always known it was her when things have gone missing because when I’ve brought it up when she’s stayed the money would always reappear in strange places and be “found” or she’d promise the kids she’d give them back the money they’d “lost”
she’s been in trouble for shop lifting food on two occasions and been barred from two separate supermarkets yet still maintains to me items didn’t scan and she got barred unfairly.

I wouldn't see her anymore, if I'm honest. She's even stolen from your children. Where do you draw the line?

Honestly I would send her a txt, tell her you absolutely know it was her. Say she has disappointment you so much she will no longer be in your home again as she can’t be trusted. You will see her with kids either at her house or outside, park, to eat out etc. and most definitely you will not be doing anything financially for her anymore. Draw a line over the stealing, the begging and borrowing. Do not give her a single penny again and make her stand on her own two feet. She is more than capable to look after herself. This is her problem to fix now. You have done more than enough now.

I wouldn't have her in my house again, she can't be trusted, you shouldn't give her any money from now on either and when she asks offer yo see the gp with her for support (because this isn't normal ) and that's it.