AIBU to worry my son is being taken advantage of

[Wontstoprunning]

Hi all, I know that generally speaking the advice here will be to leave him to it, and I will. I’m not necessarily looking to change his mind but more for my sake find out if this is normal with younger people.

My DS is in his 20s. He has recently moved home for a few months, he went away for uni, he has lived alone but for various reasons he asked to move home temporarily. He is a delight to have around but after a very toxic relationship, which has had him calling the police at one point he is definitely a bit fragile. He has a professional career, earns well for his age and I do know he can take care of himself.

This morning he told me he has a holiday booked for August. I was asking about it, where he’s going etc. In the process he was telling me who he is going with and the basics of it were, a girl he goes on dates with/is romantic with, but has made it clear she isn’t looking for a boyfriend, they aren’t exclusive. I thought maybe friends with benefits but he said no as they aren’t really friends. I could tell he really likes her, he was so animated when talking about her but seems to think she’s out of his league.

They are going to an expensive hotel on an Italian island. He has paid half the hotel, flights, and booked a boat day. She has just paid the other half of the hotel.

I’m really worried this is a disaster situation where he ends up hurt, I don’t really understand how dating but doesn’t want anything long term, but going on a 6 night holiday together work, especially not when he is paying over half.

AIBU to be worried about this and think maybe she is taking advantage of him? Is it worth saying anything?

So she’s getting a cheaper holiday, but he’s also using the lure of a holiday to get sex.

Whether this was my son or daughter when they grow up, I'd say something. Then it's their decision. But girls generally seem to be more aware of being taken advantage of/emotional maturity, and tend to be advised more by friends, so he might well thank you for making him think about stuff.

It sounds like they have sex at home so not sure your point stands tbh?

What can you do OP? You can say something but only you know how he'll take it.

The DS told OP that he is fully aware that she isn’t looking for a boyfriend, they aren’t exclusive and they aren’t really friends. The woman is being entirely open and honest, and isn’t pretending that they have some kind of future, and so the DS isn’t being taken advantage.

He goes on dates with her and is romantic with her but they aren't really friends? What does that mean? Is it just the benefits without the friends part?

Seems like they may both be taking advantage of the other to a certain extent. He isn't paying for the whole holiday for her although may be paying more than her but presumably gets something he wants as well.

It's an odd situation but I don't think black and white in terms of who is being taken advantage off. I would maybe just give him some general words of advice about not getting his hopes up/heart broken then leave him to it.

I think it sounds as though he may well end up feeling hurt, if his feelings for her are greater than those for him. But she’s been honest that she doesn’t want a relationship with him, or see this as anything more than a casual and sex-based arrangement, which he acknowledges, so she isn’t misleading him or taking advantage of him. I can understand why you feel protective of him as his mum, but young adults have to be allowed to learn from their own experiences and unless his capacity is impaired because he has a learning difficulty of some kind, he’s just going to learn something here about not thinking with his penis. You can talk with him about the sort of relationship he’s looking for and whether this is it, but heartbreak when you’re very young is ultimately just how you learn to make the right relationship choices for yourself in the future.

The way he worded it was “it’s like being stuck in the early days of dating”, he went on to explain they go on dates, for dinner, to events together, but he doesn’t feel they are friends as every time they meet up it is a “date”. Just without exclusivity, she’s been honest that she is seeing others and without any prospect of this changing.
I don’t fully understand how “stuck in early dating” and a 6 day 5 figure holiday go together!

He's only paying a little bit more. It could well be an equitable share that accounts for the difference between their respective incomes.

And if he was being 'taken advantage of', you could just as easily reframe that as 'AIBU to hate that my son is using his greater financial power to buy a sexual relationship.'

I'd leave him to it. It's almost certainly just a situation where she likes him, but not as much as he likes her, and probably wouldn't therefore spend her limited funds or annual leave on going on holiday with him if he weren't topping her up a bit.

Exactly this.

I don't think he's being taken advantage of, but it does seem like this relationship isn't really what he wants. He'd probably be long-term happier breaking it off and finding someone who's more into him.

I’d take this opportunity to talk with him about listening to people and accepting what they are saying. I’m sure he’s a nice young man, but he does need to understand that when people say “I want X”, that’s what they mean - and that it isn’t an opportunity for him to interpret that as “if only I do this or that, and take them on holiday and spend money on them, I will change their mind into doing Y instead.” That’s just a road to unhappiness.

is that a typo or is it really a 5 figure holiday??!!

5 figures; for six nights! The hotel alone was over £8000!!

It’s really none of your business.

And? You said she has paid half of the hotel.

So she's paying £4000 at least for a 6 night holiday with someone she doesn't want a relationship with?! And he's paying over that for someone he isn't friends with and who has told him they dont want a relationship?!

They're mad to spend 10k plus on a holiday in this situation but.......he gets a guaranteed holiday shag and to pretend he has a beautiful girlfriend she gets an Instagram holiday at a reduced rate. 🤷‍♀️

Ah yes now it makes sense.

You're splitting hairs given she's paying at least 4k

Well you could take the view he’s paying a girl he views as out of his league to have sex with him. He doesn’t sound as vulnerable with a different slant on it.

The 8K hotel bill will be the bulk of the budget and since she's paying £4000 of this, you're nuts to think she's milking him. That's a significant amount for someone to pay for their own holiday. I think you're being misogynist in assuming she's a 'gold-digger' <bleurgh>.

How much does he earn vs how much she earns?

As an aside (and disclaimer I am not Gen Z /late millennial) - if they're having a 'romantic', not friends relationship and she's being honest that she's seeing other people, it means she's testing several possible 'exclusive' relationships - it really doesn't mean that she's 'stringing him along', as I would have termed it in ye olden days, for both sexes.

It's just what people do these days. The American concept of 'dating' has totally colonised our (vastly superior) British way of doing things, where basically if you went on holiday with someone of course you were boyfriend and girlfriend.

He doesn't have to like it, but if he doesn't like it, he should tell her so and not do it. If she's coughing up £4K he's not being taken advantage of, that's for sure.

Wowsers

It's over £1000 a night for the hotel??

Sardinia?

No, Ischia