AIBU to worry my son is being taken advantage of

[Wontstoprunning]

Hi all, I know that generally speaking the advice here will be to leave him to it, and I will. I’m not necessarily looking to change his mind but more for my sake find out if this is normal with younger people.

My DS is in his 20s. He has recently moved home for a few months, he went away for uni, he has lived alone but for various reasons he asked to move home temporarily. He is a delight to have around but after a very toxic relationship, which has had him calling the police at one point he is definitely a bit fragile. He has a professional career, earns well for his age and I do know he can take care of himself.

This morning he told me he has a holiday booked for August. I was asking about it, where he’s going etc. In the process he was telling me who he is going with and the basics of it were, a girl he goes on dates with/is romantic with, but has made it clear she isn’t looking for a boyfriend, they aren’t exclusive. I thought maybe friends with benefits but he said no as they aren’t really friends. I could tell he really likes her, he was so animated when talking about her but seems to think she’s out of his league.

They are going to an expensive hotel on an Italian island. He has paid half the hotel, flights, and booked a boat day. She has just paid the other half of the hotel.

I’m really worried this is a disaster situation where he ends up hurt, I don’t really understand how dating but doesn’t want anything long term, but going on a 6 night holiday together work, especially not when he is paying over half.

AIBU to be worried about this and think maybe she is taking advantage of him? Is it worth saying anything?

Yes, I’m not sure why that’s shocking, around parts of Europe that’s very normal, such as around Lake Como, Capri, Taormina, Amalfi Coast, parts of Sardinia when you are looking at 5 star hotels .

You're overthinking this. They're seeing each other, not exclusively, and going on holiday together. She's paying plenty towards it. Wish him a happy holiday and be kind to him if/when it fizzles.

Sorry, shocking to me - I haven't travelled for so long and clearly it shows 😅

For what it's worth I echo other posters that contributing £4000 to a trip is not really taking advantage. No one in their right mind would put down several thousands of pounds on a holiday to exploit someone.

Hahaha good luck to them both! Insane money and not normal on any level at their age, but if they can afford it then fine and not your business. As others have said, she’s paying £4k for a holiday with your son and he’s willingly paying more knowing exactly what the score is.

FWIW we wouldn’t pay more than £6k for 2wks in Europe as a family of 5 but long live the DINKYs!

Dh and I spent a good few months “not wanting a relationship”. I’d step back and let him enjoy a holiday with someone whose company he likes but be there to pick up the pieces with him if he gets hurt. He needs to make his own choices/mistakes.

I don't think you can can say he is being taken advantage of because it doesn't sound as though she has deceived him at all
It sounds as though he knows what the situation is.and that he wants her company and is willing to pay more than his share of the holiday to spend time with her.

I would also be suspicious OP and see red flags all over this. Sounds like he likes her more than she likes him and she could be taking advantage of him wanting more. I’ve been on the receiving end of a dynamic like that, with the other person keeping their options open, and it’s not nice. Not a good idea to go on such a big expensive holiday with someone who doesn’t want to be exclusive.
You could just speak openly to him about what it is you are worried about but at the end of the day if both parties are consenting adults and he knows what he’s potentially getting himself into then there isn’t much else you can do. And resist the urge to say I told you so when he gets burned.

I'm not sure how she can be taking advantage when she has been open about everything and I presume they both chose the holiday together.

Perhaps he has paid more than half the holiday cost because he's living with you at the moment and therefore living cheaply? Doesn't really sound as if he's being taken advantage of tbh. This girl is being honest with him and he's an adult. Just be supportive and keep your worries to yourself.

Has he paid for her flights?

It sounds like he’s way more into her, than the other way round. It doesn’t sound like she’s taking advantage of him though. She’s been very transparent there are others and she just wants sex and a nice time. Presumably that’s what he’s giving and what she’s getting. If he doesn’t want his feelings hurt he needs to back away from it.

I agree it's not ideal for your ds who clearly really likes her, and is possibly trying to tempt her into a relationship with lavish dates and holidays BUT
A- she has been transparent here, he knows what she has said, and he can stop anytime - fair play to her for explaining what she wants and how she wants things to work
B - he is an adult and has clearly made the decision that, whilst he would prefer her to be in a relationship with him, this is what's on offer, he can afford it and wants to do it.

I would focus on boosting his confidence, making sure he knows how fantastic he is and how wonderful a boyfriend he makes, and hope that he sees that he is worth more than this (if in fact he wants more than this, lots of people in their 20s would be very happy with a casual, non-exclusive relationship and holiday partner - its fun). He isn't being deceived or abused here, and it might just be a mistake he needs to make and learn from (if a seemingly perfect person cannot offer the type of relationship you want, sometimes its better to let them go and find someone who can offer that). I don't think she's gold digging, I suspect she just casually dates and generally is slightly financially up in terms of how that works out with various men - she is paying 4k for her hotel here and a gold digger would never! I suspect she and your son have realised, that he likes her more or is prepared to invest more, and in order to have the holiday, he has to pay a little more or she might not go. That's both their choices at the end of the day. I suspect he will get a little hurt when either, it doesn't end in a proper relationship or she finds someone she really likes and gets swept into monogamy with someone else. If this set up doesn't work for him, hopefully he realises he deserves a set up that is more his cup of tea soon.

Believe me he will be using her for her body/sex. It’s an unspoken transaction it always was, the only difference between older generations and current, are young women are very aware that men like to call women gold diggers, but are in denial that they themselves are, youth, beauty, sex and free labour diggers, disguising it as romance. I think that’s worse. Older generations thought it was a compliment when a man would lavish them, buttering them up to be a future bang maid/skivvy.

Young women see it for what it is and want to make it worth their while

why do some boy mums think their son is the golden unicorn that isn’t like other men in this respect.

Sounds like a young woman who's been transparent and open based on what you've said. It's not her fault if your DS has feelings for her over and above what she's outlined. If that's the case he should be telling her their situation isn't for him, but sounds like he's on board.

I understand your concern OP. DS probably will end up getting hurt because it sounds like he’s keener on her than she is on him. I don’t think he is being used though - she actually seems refreshingly open and above board - and sadly I’ve learned we have to let our DC make their own mistakes and hopefully learn from them. I’m sure he’ll eventually find someone who is right for him.

It is all too sexual, that is the problem