Why does my daughter’s father say this kind of stuff?

[MyTrivia]

He’s so embarrassing. He seems to rub people up the wrong way. And then complain that coworkers don’t support him etc.

Sometimes, when I meet dd from school he turns up at the same time. The other day there was a mum there that I was taking to. She was asking how my dd was now because she had been being bullied.

Then I asked her how her dc was.
‘oh ok, she said but he’s not enjoying maths. He finds it hard’.

DDs dad pipes up ‘oh you should find him a tutor. I have noticed how maths affects the entire curriculum if a child is struggling ’. The kids are only 6 years old!

Why is he so obnoxious? If I try to talk to him about his attitude, it always ends in a big argument. We aren’t together btw.

The kids are only 6 years old!
Sorry OP but this really made me laugh.

It sounds as though he was trying to make himself sound knowledgeable and important by giving advice on education.
He sounds as though he has a high opinion of himself.

Well he piped up with an opinion you don't agree with but that hardly sounds like the crime of the century! You're not a couple, his behaviour doesn't reflect on you. Why is he turning up at the school, doesn't he have set days/times to see your daughter?

Sounds like he was trying to join in as a parent, but is socially a bit clumsy. Not everyone is good at reading a room. School gate conversations are not the easiest to judge.

Just arrange different days to do the pickup, and then he won't irritate you.

Gosh I thought it was going to be something completely inappropriate, that sounds fine.

Yes that is the problem - he can’t read a room and he goes around offending people all the time who then want nothing more to do with him. He keeps changing jobs because he alienates work colleagues. His tone is usually the problem. Sometimes he is joking but people don’t see the joke!

I don’t think he is deliberately malicious. He just hasn’t been brought up properly. He is rude to me as well and will put me down to our daughter as a ‘joke’.

Unfortunately he just turns up on a whim whether I will be there or not.

Doesn’t sound socially awkward to me, sounds like a narcissist, he makes jokes at your expense? He knows exactly what he’s doing

Possible undiagnosed autism? 😬

Sounds like my autistic husband. He actually has a heart of gold but manages to rub so many people up the wrong way. 😬

Sounds like the sort of thing I would say thinking I was being helpful (because it’s an accurate statement), but then later realise that people didn’t want to hear it and don’t like me as a result.
Undiagnosed neurodivergent.
We’re not deliberately being twats!

Although if he’s making jokes at your expense and then dismissing you, that is just twatty.

Well, it’s funny you guys should say this because I’m autistic but I regularly cringe at the things he says to people.

Sometimes I do wonder if he’s undiagnosed autistic because I wonder why else he would have been attracted to me in the first place (NT people find me very unusual and hard to understand). He’s adamant he’s not. But he’s definitely lacking something…

Autistic men can be very selfish and without a filter. I think autistic women usually have more enpathy.

Obviously you don't like him. Clearly. But he said something he clearly thinks is right and important...he may actually be right. It's not like he asked the other mum for a date. So why did you feel so strongly about it?

Because I feel that it’s rude to say to a parent at school, who I will have to see for quite a number of years that her 6 year old child needs a tutor. Just because she happened to say that he doesn’t like maths. It’s like saying ‘your child clearly isn’t academic - you’d better sort him out’.

He talks to people in a lecturing tone and it’s so embarrassing.

Can you give another example? As the one you’ve given just sounds like someone making conversation.

If you are separated I would find him turning up at school on my days to pick up the bigger issue. Isn't this a bit odd and confusing for your child?

I think maybe you haven't used the best example here then? I don't think what he's said is rude really? Sounds like he was trying to be helpful. But obviously we don't know the tone he used. Was the mum annoyed?

Honestly you sound more weird.

You’re reading far too much into this!!
Yes your ex did suggest a tutor which is good advice!!
I think it’s you with the misunderstanding not your husband!

You sound like you don’t like him and you don’t have a good word to say about him, he’s better off being separated from you

He escalates situations that didn’t need to go there (one example).

One time, he was parked at a petrol station and a police officer told him that the front windows on a car that he had just bought were too dark (he genuinely didn’t know) so instead of saying ‘oh sorry, I’ll get it taken off’ he started getting arsey with the police officer. Which then escalated the situation and the police officer said ‘well you’re rolling your eyes at me so you’ve got 1 minute to get it off or you’ll receive a fine’.

He ended up with a fine and then spent months making formal complaints about the police officer back and forth and demanding to see body cam info.

Maybe. Do you have kids though? Because someone suggesting your child needs a tutor can sound like a criticism of them. Especially when our daughter doesn’t struggle at all.

Im certain he thinks he’s being helpful.

I’m not going to bother going into why we broke up. I wouldn’t say I don’t have a good word to say about him. But he makes his own life difficult and then phones me up to say how empty and lonely he feels and I think really he needs to learn not to get people’s backs up. 🤷🏻‍♀️

“I think really he needs to learn not to get people’s backs up. 🤷🏻‍♀️”

If it were that simple though … of course if he’s deliberately insulting people that’s different. But if he’s accidentally rubbing people up the wrong way it might be like asking you to get up one morning and make yourself not unusual or hard to understand to NTs

What does that fact that I’m autistic have to do with this? I’m not the one getting in trouble with authority figures like he does and I’m not the one who has no friends. He has this anger and disdain for authority which to me comes across far more like someone who’s narcissistic because autistic people tend to like to follow the rules.

Believe it or not, not all autistic people go around pissing people off all day. And the fact you’ve made a judgement like that about me says far more about you…

Sounds like a narcissistic dickhead. A lot like my ex who though everyone should hear his words of wisdom and performative parenting

Agree. And a lot of parents do get tutors for young kids now-I don't necessarily agree with it myself, but it's definitely not a weird thing to say.

Yeah but when our own daughter is very able, it just comes across as crass I think. Maybe in London children of 6 years old have tutors. But this is a non-selective, tiny school which whilst academically sound, is not hot housey. But the fact that it is a very small school and the children have very individualised work kind of makes it worse because settings like this are chosen by parents to avoid kids struggling in 30+ class sizes.

I also think many children, especially boys are later bloomers. And others who seem able at this age can level out a bit.