To be sad that I'm not a stay at home mum

[Plasticflowerduck]

I work full time in a relatively high management position. I've worked hard to get to this position but balancing work with motherhood is stressful.
This week I had minor surgery, recovery time was 2 days post surgery but my doctor signed me off work for the week.
It has been bliss. I got to drop and collect my kids from school every day and could take them to the playground after school. I got to schedule a playdate for my daughter as i met her friends mum.at drop off.
On weds I was able to attend a school event during the day and everyday I could clean the house and prep dinner while they were in school so the evenings have been lovely no stress with loads of time as a family. I'm absolutely dreading going back to work on Monday. My kids keep saying how great this week has been. I am so envious of mums that can manage to stay at home while their kids are young. If we could afford it, I would be home full time in a heartbeat :-(

I stayed home with my three 30 years ago. I now realise how lucky I was to be able to do this, it was lovely. My daughter is currently on maternity leave and really doesn’t want to go back, but she has no choice.

Can you go part time? Best of both worlds. Being a stay at home mum can bring it's only challenges not to mention being financially dependent on someone else

Do you have the opportunity to be part-time or incorporate a day or two from home?

Well do it then, if you're in a high powered job presumably you'll have lots of equity in your house and can downsize, budget everything, swap the cars for cheaper ones or none, etc?
Or look for something where you can have flexible hours, compressed hours, go part time, hybrid work /WFH etc?
Do you have a husband and does he participate in family life? If he gave up work/changed work instead of you, would that be equally good in terms of lessening stress.
The novelty of cleaning and school runs every day might soon wear off, it's nice for a change but 10 years of it, no thanks.

You’re enjoying the novelty of it. Day after day of it would be boring as hell and totally lacking in any intellectual stimulation.

This!
Never, EVER, surrender your financial independence.

I feel the same! I’m lucky in that my job has a lot of flexibility but I hate taking my daughter to nursery, I just want to be home with her

Only if you’re particularly boring and uninventive.

It's lovely for two days - but be honest, what would you do with yourself all day whilst the children are at school? No one wants to do housework, clean and cook from 9 - 3.30pm and without your salary presumably you won't be able to join clubs, visit attractions or be a lady who lunches?

I was fortunate to be home when the kids were pre-school, but after that went back full time and appreciated the mental stimulation of a challenging job with other educated colleagues. I'd have been bored to tears at home all day with no money and no company.

Although I'm enjoying it now I'm retired!

You could be a SAHM but would need to accept a drop in lifestyle.

I’m in a similar boat, high paying job, on mat leave with child 3. Dreading going back. But ultimately I love our house and car and the fact that we don’t have to budget or worry about food etc. and working is the price I pay for that. But yeah, I wish I’d married a rich man

your kids are at school though? I think that changes everything!

I was a sahm when mine were small and whilst I don’t regret it, god 12 hours a day, 5 days a week alone with toddlers drove me a bit mental. I know some people love it, and there’s lots of horrible jobs out there, but I found it so dull and unappreciated . I had great friends, I made the most of it, we were at the park and playdates and all that daily - but ultimately I prefer working in some capacity.

Part time is a good compromise in my opinion, but each to their own!

YANBU to want that but would you actually want to do it full time? If you can't would a compromise be to work 4 days so you can have one day doing drop offs and pick ups, having the chance to arrange play dates?

It’s absolutely fine to wish for other things. Plenty of people will post saying ohh being a sahm is rubbish etc but after working fill time for years with young kids I became a sahm and it’s been the best decision.
The reality is you could probably be a sahm if you wanted, but it might involve forgoing things you have now. That may or may not be worth it to you.
Or you could look at reduced hours or looking for another role.
Think carefully about your partner and your dynamic before deciding on any of these routes though.

I was very lucky to be able to stay at home with my 3 DC but that was many years ago, and it just wouldn't be possible today.

what always surprises me, given how much more mentally stimulated and clever and independent and superior etc. WOHMs are is the lack of imagination. that you can't fathom a SAHM life might be more than scrubbing floors and staring bored out of the window wishing you could leave the building.

When the eldest was small, we were out every day at play groups or the park or meeting friends etc when we weren't in hospital / at hospital appts and even then we incorporated as much time outside as we could. I had two years out of my volunteer work then went back. I started another degree when he started full time. I had twins just before COVID slabd had to isolate so we're stuck indoors. once that relaxed, again we did as much as we could in groups and play settings. I carried on my degree. I carried on my volunteer work. I started a second volunteer role. I see friends and family.

my husband doesn't resent me. he isn't having an affair with someone at work because working people are so much better than me, my self worth isn't fundamental different to when I worked. my friends don't look down their noses at me. I'm perfectly capable of holding an intelligent conversation.

only boring people have boring lives

speak for yourself. maybe your only sense of self and enjoyment comes from your job, but that isn't a healthy way to be imo.

I would consider a 9 day fortnight or part time. The drop in lifestyle would be so dramatic for you now. You also need to consider the impact on your company pension and the shortfall you would be subjecting yourself to.

I never had a career, decent well paid jobs but never corporate level so the loss of my salary after childcare costs for one child meant Dh covered that in a new job with a pay increase from his last one. That was the point I became a sahm when Ds was a toddler. We broke even. It was another 18 months before I had child number 2 and Dh's career was taking off. He went straight into a graduate role from university. He was always the main earner.

To put it into context my eldest child is 23. Back then housing was much cheaper as was everything else. Mortgage costs today are just crazy.

@ThisOneLife the one thing I can say about being a sahm with children in school, I have never been bored. Lonely at times absolutely but mainly from being a trailing spouse. Bored? No. I treated the sahm thing as a job, schedules, cleaning, shopping, batch cooking, I loved it all and then there was the absolute joy that are my children. There is so much to access via the internet from books, films, radio shows you missed earlier, skills to lean, debates and podcasts and that is just inside the house, nevermind what is on your doorstep.

I’m a sahm, I’ve had the big corporate career and had my kids older as I wanted to be with them. The early years are just tough and brutal tbh. But I’m very grateful to be growing alongside them seeing it all.

Could you go PT?

I was a SAHM and loved every minute of it. I gave up a good career but it was worth it only going pt when youngest started secondary school. I was never. We were always doing stuff. Yes I was lucky that we could afford for me do it. Life was much less stressful.

I agree.

My friend a colleague once said to me that she wanted to ditch the responsibility of her high paid job and work in a supermarket on the till. I said: yeah, but within a week you'd be spotting inefficiencies; within 2 weeks you'd be reorganising the rota; within a month you'd be suggesting changes to the store layout. Then you'd be promoted to junior management, earning a third of her current salary but with the same stress and targets.

Can you go pt?

I found being at home harder than I expected so started working 2 short days. It was a good balance for me. I now work 3 full days as the dc are well into school & I am really happy I stayed in work.

No, it's very normal. Wish I could too.

YANBU to be sad about not being able to do something you would like to.

Is there a way you can do compressed hours to get a day off but on the same salary? Or could you afford part time for a few years? Or could you afford to outsource any tasks to free up time? Any parts of your life you can simplify to save time?

I was a SAHM and loved it. I never got bored but we did have plenty of money so we could do lots of things, although just being at home with our children was lovely too.

You’re enjoying the novelty of it. Day after day of it would be boring as hell and totally lacking in any intellectual stimulation

😂whenever I read responses like this I always assume it's touched a nerve 😅