Post Domestic Abuse parenting a teen boy - please help

[PostAbuseParenting]

I know I’m BU posting here but it gets the most traffic and I’m desperate.

Name changed. Long time poster and contributor (I go back further than the Mexican house thief and Pom bears and my washing sometimes gets ‘darked on’ - just to prove my length of MN activity.)

Thanks partly to the lovely wise women of MN and their/your advice, I realised that I was married to an emotionally abusive, communal narcissist. I don’t like labelling people but his actions consistently fit these labels. I’ve tried other ways of understanding him but these are the labels that always fit his behaviour.

I’m divorcing him. God it’s hard but zero regrets. Peace is slowly increasing.

My struggle is with my eldest DC. He is 14 and emulates some of his dad’s behaviours. He can be pretty aggressive verbally and is getting into trouble at school. He doesn’t respond to boundaries - just pushes through them. He will not talk to counsellors or support directly.

He has witnessed his dad lay into me and him verbally to control, manipulate and subdue, and has said ‘dad never gets any consequences so why should I?’

He doesn’t see his dad face to face (his choice) but is in contact with him. His dad has painted himself as the victim and is painting me as the abusive one. He spins the narrative to make him look ‘good’. There will be no accountability or repair from my ex, for me or my son. There will be no emotionally intelligent modelling from his dad.

My son isn’t currently talking to anyone about his experiences and won’t.

So, if anyone out there knows of any good resources or support for mums in this situation please please can you share?

Any courses? Books? Lived experience advice? Hopeful stories? Anything.

I’m very worried about this pattern of behaviour and very clear that I need to steer him well to avoid him being part of the problem.

I probably won’t share much more detail to maintain anonymity but would just be grateful for any steers you are willing to give me.

Thank you in advance. And thank you to the community here for helping me towards freedom.

Therapy

Thanks. Sadly … He won’t. I have mine. I need parenting advice.

I had a completely different situation but also a child that needed therapy a 14 year old boy with an eating disorder. He wouldn’t talk to the Camhs Ed therapist he hated her in fact (she was lovely) he did not want to talk about his feelings, he did not like even having them. In the end we tried a different route as he wouldn’t talk speak to a nutritionist because he was (is) sporty.
so yes this is different but maybe in this case an adult therapist is not the right thing but a support group or a young adult teenage group for kids who’s parents have divorced, or kids who witnessed all sorts of DV something where he can listen and share only if and when he wants.

good luck OP

I should say 14 is a hard age to live through for both parents and kids.

Does his school have a campus police officer? They can be a really good support to teenagers. Ask his Head of House or guidance teacher for suggestions too.

Does he like gaming? My child does Mindjam for something different but I do know they help with Truma as well.
May be worth a look into as its more of a mentor thing that maybe he might open up to them its online so don't have to leave the home.
My child absolutely loves the fact that its not forced iyswim? I think councilling especially boys is very difficult for them.

Thank you so much for sharing. I’m not sure he’d engage with anything like that. I am trying to get good male role models around him. I am hoping that helps.

Yes. The Jekyll and Hyde, the rudeness, mood swings are all developmentally common. I need to bear that in mind and remember he’s got lots of developing to do. I just can’t bear the thought he’ll turn out line his father!

No. I didn’t know that was a thing. I have spoken to the police about the abuse and logged it. They didn’t seem to have any services to offer.

I’ll look into that. Thank you. I hadn’t heard of it. He does like gaming. I’ll check that out.

Talk to his school, they may have ideas that are not counselling per se. Maybe a mentoring scheme with older pupils monitoring younger ones would benefit him by giving him an older role model, maybe giving DS the responsibility of mentoring younger children would help his self-esteem which is really what the problem is.
In reality he obviously recognises that his father's behaviour is unpleasant even if he can't articulate that yet, as he doesn't want to spend time in his company.

Does he have any hobbies or interests that could put him in the company of positive male role models?
Ie after school or lunchtime clubs at school
Local cricket / football / cycling etc club
A gym that runs specific sessions for teenagers

Sport or just keeping active in general might help if he's quite pent up with emotions that he's not letting out.

Hi OP, lots of good ideas here
His behaviour is very typical of boys who have grown up with an abusive behaviour
I would suggest contacting your local domestic abuse service
for yourself to see if they have any groups for survivors that will help you understand and recover from your experience
in particular see if anyone offers a course called You and me Mum which supports mums with exactly what you are describing
they may also provide support direct to young people like your DS- I know you are saying he won't engage but they may have some ways to support
good luck

A lot of places also offer mentoring schemes as well that others have said.
So not therapy as such but just an older role model that is a positive influence in you sons life.
Its such a difficult age anyway, but mindjam for my child has been absolutely amazing.

I was also going to suggest Mindjam or similar.

I’m sorry you’re going through this, my exh was abusive and the children unfortunately witnessed it. My exh also emotionally abused my children. My son was 16 at the time. A year later he became very depressed and got into trouble with the police on one occasion for a minor incident. I tried to talk to him before this incident but he was very withdrawn. I finally convinced him to start therapy after two months of pleading with him. Both the children had therapy when exh first went. The therapy helped him immensely in a way I couldn’t. He said he didn’t want to be like his dad. I spent a lot of time praising him and reinforcing he could never be like his dad. My son is starting uni this year. There is hope but it will be a long road. A positive male role model is a very idea xx

Thank you for your ideas. He’s called out my ex’s behaviour so does know it’s wrong. But also knows it gives your power and control and in his eyes you don’t get punished.

he did see someone at school but just said everything was fine. He won’t engage in anything else they have offered.

That’s a good idea. He’s dropped out of most things but there is a new thing he’s trying out and there are some lovely male coaches so may be that will help.

I’ll look up You and Me Mum. Thanks. I’ve got some specialist DA counselling starting soon. I just want to make sure I do my very best to steer him right.

Thanks. I looked it up and might be able to pay for that. I need to do a budget and see.

Thank you for sharing that. Im
sorry you went through that but so good to hear your son is going so well.

I will keep plugging therapy and hope one day he agrees.

He’s called out my ex’s behaviour so does know it’s wrong. But also knows it gives your power and control and in his eyes you don’t get punished.

I guess you could point out that although he's not been punished in the sense of e.g. going to prison, he has lost his relationship with his wife and children and they have little respect for him. So was the power and control really worth it?

Do you know I’m often really tempted to say this. But it feels tricky because to everyone other my closest people, he is a ‘good’ man. If you met him you’d think he was the most kind, gentle, empathic man who was very badly treated. His abuse wasn’t obvious. He’s a very manipulative person and my son is in touch with him. The advice is not to talk negatively about the other parent.

It’s this kind of dilemma that I need help with really.

Ahhh I see. I agree then with being careful what you say.