Controlling SIL

[Aprilmaymum]

My DB is married and has been for two years. I don’t get on with his wife. (Not the only family member who doesn’t ) She is in my mind controlling. I have kind of regretfully moved away from him in terms of our relationship. I have heard from a friend somethings that concern me about her and her treatment of him. I am at a loss what to do and how to go about it. Know it’s his life but I am worried for him and I haven’t spoken to him for three months because of his wife. Any thoughts please? Do I try and forget it or get in touch. ?

Ahh, good luck tomorrow. I wouldn't bad mouth his wife just let him know how much you love him. Let him lead the conversation and hopefully you can start to have regular lunches together.

Good luck for tomorrow.
I wouldn't bring sil up unless he does. Just be there for him.

Can you get in contact with him at his workplace?

Hi op I would say how you miss him and the reason you don’t like his wife is because you see her as an abusive woman who treats him badly explain if it was the other way around he would react the same. Tell him you want to be in his life and would see him alone if that’s ok with him. Say you can’t stand by and watch him being abused because it breaks your heart seeing that. Op Just tell him you’re always there for him and prefer to be in contact and see how he reacts. Unfortunately some people can’t see that they are being abused or they love that person so much they don’t care.

Rtft

OP my DB was in a very controlling relationship with a very dangerous woman (she has accused every one of her ex’s of violence and/or rape)

It was very difficult having a relationship with my DB as he wasn’t allowed a phone of his own or SM etc and so I would just try and be in touch with him as much as possible and would invite them both to things as much as possible (he’d never be allowed on his own).

The very few times I met him on my own, I would never slag her off.

It was very difficult but I had to tread lightly.
The worst thing you can do is slag them off because it pushes them closer together.

She punished him for taking his DD to A&E because he didn’t wait an hour for her to get home from work.
She broke it off and he accepted (which she hated), so then asked him to come to hers to get his stuff where she injured herself and phoned the police on him accusing him on rape and DV. He was arrested.
Fortunately there was evidence that she’d made it up so didn’t get charged (easily could have though) but he still took her back and said that she’s mentally unwell because of the trauma of her past relationships (all BS), so he actually felt sorry for her after falsely accusing him of rape and violence.

He stopped speaking to family and friends who would slag her off and so I was very careful to not do it.

Try and meet up with your brother as much as possible but do not slag the wife off or mention what you heard.

Focus on building the relationship with him (and maybe even her).

Good luck OP 💐

Whether you're unreasonable depends on whether the actual issue is that your brother is in a toxic relationship, or whether SIL being controlling really means that your brother's life has changed, they/SIL have set some new boundaries or ways or doing things, and you just don't like it so leap to SIL being controlling.

Trying to interfere in the marriage may not go well for you, but meeting him for lunch and trying to get the lay of land, see how he is and work on a relationship with him is a good thing to do. Especially if it does turn out there is an issue.

This is so very similar to my DB. I am so sorry you have also gone through this. Surprising I have never slagged SIL off but as I said in my last talk with him before today I was def a bit blunt as I thought it might make him think. I will def do as you have suggested when we meet. Thank you

Yes, this exactly. It's sadly a situation that I'm familiar with.
I won't go into too much detail, but have had almost 2 years of counselling because my husband tries to keep his family, who all exist to please his extremely overbearing mother, pleased at the expense of my sanity and reputation.
I'm currently parenting our young child alone as they have all cut him out of their lives but recognise his siblings, whilst not recognising our child's birthday or Christmas, with even a card. Just silence.
There's a huge amount more that has occurred but I won't go into that.
My husband thinks this is 'poor' but can't bring himself to say anything to upset them.
There has been a damaging narrative about me for years. I sadly, now have a lot of education about what has actually been a damaging family system, which I've entered and not been accepted into. And our child is now on the outside of the circle too.
Of course, I'm the "controlling and horrible" one because I've spoken up about it but I do wish my husband had held a boundary and said we come a pair and offered me some protection.
I'm not saying for a moment that this is the situation here, but it does happen and I'm probably hyper vigilant of it now!

Yes, often an outsider coming in sees an unhealthy dynamic for what it is and refuses to play the game/placate the system. They are then the bad one. Doesn't make them wrong though.

That's not to say men can't be in abusive marriages, so I'd like to keep an open mind, but there's also a chance that SIL has her own story, the OP is the controlling sister who doesn't like the boat being rocked.

I don't understand why you wouldn't have kept in regular contact if you had genuine concerns.
The best way to manage this is be a consistent person in his life and not pass any judgement or cause any trouble with his wife, that way he may trust you enough to talk openly and will not end up feeling trapped due to isolation.
When people start causing trouble for those in abusive relationships-cutting off the victim/having a go at the perp/making the victim feel stupid etc it just gives fuel to the perpetrator, they can use it as 'evidence' that person does not care about them or that they're the problem causing arguments and upset.

It’s a difficult one.

I initially thought exactly the same as you and made sure I kept a relationship with my DB when he was in an abusive relationship.

I know abusive people want to isolate their partners and so they cause issues between family and friends.
So OP played directly into SILs hands by stopping contact.

However, I’ll admit that I cut off my friend who was in a controlling relationship because her behaviour affected me.
I tried sticking around for as long as I could but she was always going to choose him over me.
She was a very bad friend at times and it got to a point where I refused to put up with it any longer.
As an adult she was responsible for her own actions and I could only blame him for so long.

I absolutely played right into his hands.
We had been best friends for over 20 years and were closer than sisters and he hated it.
He pulled every move in the book to try and end our friendship and it worked.

I’m assuming OP was in a similar situation where their behaviour was impacting her and it gets to a point where you have to put yourself first.

No harm in reaching out? don't bring up about SIL - say you miss him, feel bad, you are siblings, sounds like he could do with your support.

Absolutely this.
you said the police were called on her screaming- were you there to witness this or did your DB tell you this as it could have been both of them arguing and he didn’t want to admit that?
My concern in my earlier post is that you assume it’s all her , is he asking her to be there when he speaks to you on the phone? A change of boundaries doesn’t mean he’s being controlled. It means his relationship and life has changed and maybe they felt you were overstepping ? Or maybe he is in a genuinely abusive relationship .Hopefully things will be more clear when you’ve met.

Don’t let pride get in the way, reach out to him.

Exactly this

Neighbours told me

Do not do this. Dont mention the wife being abusive AT ALL.

Dont mention him being abused, dont mention her being the abuser.

Tell him you want to be in his life... if that’s ok with him. ....tell him you’re always there for him. Do this

and the reason you don’t like his wife is because you see her as an abusive woman who treats him badly Dont do this

by telling him you see him as a victim you'll immediately put him on the defensive of his relationship, and of himself and of his choices and of his life.

Unfortunately some people can’t see that they are being abused or they love that person so much they don’t care. Exactly, they are trauma bonded.

Dont give him a reason to cut you off. Give him a safe space to exist in. Dont judge him or his choices; just be a safe, non judgemental person who is there to support him. Dont ask about her, dont ask about his relationship, don't question why he stays, don't say shes abusive or that shes toxic or whatever else you think about her.

By passing judgement on her; thats not a safe space for him to be in when hes in a trauma bond.

He's put his wife first good on him.

not if she's an abusive c*nt!