Controlling SIL

[Aprilmaymum]

My DB is married and has been for two years. I don’t get on with his wife. (Not the only family member who doesn’t ) She is in my mind controlling. I have kind of regretfully moved away from him in terms of our relationship. I have heard from a friend somethings that concern me about her and her treatment of him. I am at a loss what to do and how to go about it. Know it’s his life but I am worried for him and I haven’t spoken to him for three months because of his wife. Any thoughts please? Do I try and forget it or get in touch. ?

Can you keep in touch with him but avoid the wife?

Unless you’re going to say she’s planning to murder him it’s really none of your business.
He chose to marry his wife, you chose to distance yourself from him due to that, I imagine he’s not going to take kindly to your meddling.

If there is a chance that he is being abused physically or emotionally, this is poor advice.

it is a long story but I choose to go non contact with her due to her behaviour which was awful. He was upset and we had a heart to heart and I told him that I was worried about him. He said he was fine but they came as a package. I then said fine I am no longer part of your life. I regret this now. We were incredible close and I feel I have let him down.

Do not be too proud to get back in touch with your brother. You are family.
avoid any conversation about his wife but check in with him and see how he’s doing

Def emotional but she gets very angry and does fly off the handle

One of the things she does is answer his phone if she is there. She checks messages too

Keep on phoning him and keep on getting in contact until you reignite the relationship with him after speaking to him directly. You stepping away has given her part of the control she wants. The best way to beat people like that is to stick around and to keep seeing your brother and eventually she will burn out.

Can you call him at work? Don't mention the wife, just say you miss him and feel that you reacted badly when you were upset and would he like to meet up for a coffee one day? If he says no, then that's his choice. But if you're worried about your brother, I would make the first move.

Call him when he's at work.

Abusive partners deliberately alienate their OHs from family and friends. You have played into her game.
Get back in touch, through work if she Marshalls his home communication. See if you can meet him without her, but respect his boundaries and don’t talk about her.

Contact him. Apologise. I know that you don't need to but if you want to have a relationship with him this is what you will have to do.

What has she actually done though, it's very hard to understand without the full story.
I find it interesting to read that you are not the only family member who doesn't get along with her.
I'm not sure of the family dynamics here, but I wonder if the wife feels excluded or whether there's more to this...
What is making me wonder, is that he said they come as a package, and you told him you wouldn't see him again. Just look at that and decide whether that, in itself could be described as controlling or pressuring.
He's putting his wife first, it might be that they find it hurtful that she is excluded and your family and the discussions about her may be causing more problems than you realise.
You need to accept his wife, be tolerant and not threaten to cut him off. If he's genuinely being controlled then you just need to be there for him without judgement and allow him to come to his own conclusions.

Your poor brother, he had to deal with 2 very controlling relations. Give him
space, keep contact short but regular, he’s probably very hurt by your actions, probably when he needed you the most.

You are going to have to handle this very gently, and really put him first.

If you genuinely want a relationship with him and believe he is being abused you open the door back up with and I must add no hate towards her.

If she is controlling him and even if she isn’t and his just love struck with a moody person he will just back again.

But without knowing what she’s actually done it could just be a personality clash and she’s a moody person in general rather than an abusive monster. Or she’s an abusive monster and you threw him to the wolves like a lamb to slaughter when you cut him off because HE said they were a package deal.

As difficult as it is, you might have to tolerate her to keep an eye on your brother

thanks for replies. Obviously I have not disclosed everything but trust me for me to cut contact with my brother it was bad and I really thought I had no option. Police have been involved in the past and my DB through pride or fear says nothing and sticks up for her. I do regret walking away from him but I said my door is always open if you need me. I will contact him when he is at work tomorrow

Can I speak to brother please.

No nastiness, no arguments, no rising to aggression, just calmly 'can I speak to "name" please".

Dont be drawn in, dont answer any questions, you dont have to justify anything.

Men can be abused too.

Apologise to your brother and rebuild your relationship with him. You need to try and help him if you genuinely think he's being coercively controlled.

Please do keep in touch with him. Coercive control is a thing, and men are often less likely to recognise or report abuse, and less likely to have friends who will identify it.
Grey rock her when you see her, but don't let her stop you having a good relationship if you've always had one.

Him saying they come as a package makes me think you’ve tried to alienate her and he isn’t standing for it. You must respect that . Police involved with her and him or the way you’ve behaved ? Police involved how ?
By assuming he’s being controlled you are maybe suggesting he doesn’t know his own mind which will have alienated him further and he’s probably really angry about that. It’s an incredibly misogynist view to blame the wife without looking at your actions too. On the other hand she could be incredibly controlling of course. There’s more to this I feel.

Why would the police involved with me. !! All I have done is try with him and then move away when it become to difficult to be involved with her actions a neighbour called the police when she was screaming at him.
I am not going into the full details on here but it is a very sad situation and I am very worried about him

I spoke to DB at work today. He was quiet but probably cos he was at work. Said I really missed him and I apologised is I had upset him. He said no need to as he would do the same if it was the other way around which made me more worried in a way. We are meeting up in lunch hour tomorrow.

It’s great you are going to see him tomorrow. I hope you can reconnect and maintain contact -maybe he will be more willing now to see you without his wife than he was before.
Maybe you could drop this womans name and how she’s behaved towards her husband into the conversation….

Haven't spoken for 3 months because of his wife?

No. You haven't spoken because that's a choice you made.