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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To recycle my DS's birthday presents amongst his classmates?

37 replies

recycler · 23/06/2008 21:17

DS is in reception year and his class consists of the youngest third of the year, so there have been a lot of fifth birthday parties recently.

After his party a few weeks ago, he got a lot of rather indifferent "boys toys" (some very similar to each other) that he forgot about almost as soon as he opened them. I put them to one side, and he hasn't mentioned them, so I figured I could either pass some of them on or bring them out at Christmas.

A week ago, a classmate had a party that we couldn't attend. They are not close friends, but I had a card to give and (out of the goodness of my heart) thought I would attach one of the presents my son had received for his birthday. To me this was an extra, as we were not going to the party so there was no obligation to give a present at all.

The mother seemed quite frosty to me the week following the party and hasn't given a thank you card which isn't like her as she is very nice and polite. So I think she must have found out it was a recycled present and got the hump. I don't know how she knows, as I made a very exact list of all the presents my son received and it definitely wasn't the one from her!

It's not a big deal but I was just a bit curious if anyone would think there was a moral issue with passing on presents. It wouldn't bother me at all- in fact some of the ones my son received were pretty dire and I sort of assumed they were pass ons which I just thought was ok and quite sensible.

Any other thoughts on it?

OP posts:

KerryMum · 23/06/2008 21:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PuppyMonkey · 23/06/2008 21:20

We always recycle prezzies in this house. We even have a special cupboard where all the ones we don't want go until we need them. No-one has been offended afaik. And if they are... whatever!!

Miggsie · 23/06/2008 21:20

I often give presents away to other people or charity shops. DD also goes through her toys with me and we decide which ones to pass on, but we don't give them as presents that you would wrap.
For birthdays though I think it is best to give a new gift, or one that can't be detected as not-quite-new, say with the original wrapping removed?

lilyloo · 23/06/2008 21:21

I often pass presents on.
I don't think she would have known ,think it's just you being a little too aware of it.
I know lot's of parents 'recycle' unwanted pressies!

Sanctuary · 23/06/2008 21:21

Boys of that age all get the same kind of pressies .
You could of gone and got one cos your son loved his and you thought her son would to.

Snowstorm · 23/06/2008 21:21

No, it's very normal here. Two rules though - a) you try your hardest to ensure that you do not pass back a present from whence it came; and b) nobody discusses it and the fact that we all do it!!

Hassled · 23/06/2008 21:22

I agree with your sentiments but feel it's all a bit too close to home, IYSWIM. Recycle the toys by all means, but not within a group of 30 families, some of whom, at this stage in the school year, will know each other quite well.
Sooner or later a mum will recognise the present as a hand-me-down (I'd have no issue, but some people do) or you'll cock up and give the present to the original giver. Find somewhere else to recycle - it's just not worth annoying people you are going to have some semblance of a relationship with for the foreseeable.

onepieceoflollipop · 23/06/2008 21:24

Your son might not remember what he received but morally what you propose is slightly questionable imo. (just doesn't feel right iyswim)

I guess that if my dd1 had had several duplicated (identical) presents - in fact this happened once, I would try to return them and let her choose a replacement. If not returnable (to the shop not the giver, obviously) I may consider recycling and replace with a similar value item. BUT by recycling I mean I would probably give to charity rather than redistribute among school friends.

We are not having a party for her 5th, for many reasons (will just have a small tea party at home) but I must admit that I feel uncomfortable with the dozens of presents that they are given at these big parties.

Perhaps the mum is being frosty because it is not the "done thing" in your area to give a present unless the child actually attends the party? We had a similar situation with a little girl, close friend of dd1
at nursery who didn't have a party (due to social and financial reasons I believe). I ummed and aahed about giving a present and eventually did so and both the little girl and her mother were appreciative.

Love2bake · 23/06/2008 21:33

I ALWAYS do that - Don't worry. Maybe you are being paranoid about the other mum, she may have other issues.

Did anyone else get a Thank you yet. It takes me weeks to get these out.

Original poster

recycler · 23/06/2008 21:39

This mother is usually super efficient, but haven't heard if anyone else has a thank you yet.

I'm not really worried, just interested to hear other people's views on it. I guess I look at it that if a child receives, say two identical puzzles and they both look sparkly and new, then what is the harm in passing one on anyway? It just saves you a trip to Woolworths or M&S and I genuinely wouldn't mind myself.

OP posts:

Love2bake · 23/06/2008 21:44

Exactly - and it's enviromentally friendly... that's my story and I'm sticking to it

saggyhairyarse · 23/06/2008 21:45

We do the same. To be honest, we aren't made of money and sometimes it is a life saver whn yet another party looms and we are skint.

happynappies · 23/06/2008 21:46

I might sound a bit precious here - but here goes. I am all for recycling things/passing things on/buying from e-bay etc. We're on a v. limited budget, so make do with a lot of things however... we wouldn't pass on a gift. If dd was bought a gift that was a duplicate, or for some reason wasn't appropriate I wouldn't have any qualms about taking it back to the shop to exchange it, but I think that if you receive something as a gift, you probably shouldn't pass it off as a gift to someone else. We received a book as a Christmas present for dd from one of our close friends, and thought it was lovely. Then we read the inscription inside, from Auntie X and Uncle Y, inscribed to our friends daughter for her first Christmas! We were embarassed, and felt sad for the Auntie and Uncle who'd obviously chosen the gift carefully. It made us feel quite awkward about what to buy their dd now - certainly wouldn't want to buy a book as I get the impression that they are not exactly appreciated!! Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that every thing you ever receive as a gift you have to treasure - its just a sensitive area, and people can be hurt.

lilyloo · 23/06/2008 21:48

Or they already had that book

Love2bake · 23/06/2008 21:50

Well I would never be stupid enough to pass on a gift with a message inside!!!

happynappies · 23/06/2008 21:51

I know - but now I know that these friends do recycle their presents, it makes me feel really awkward about buying for them, I feel as though I'm wasting my time and effort.

2point4kids · 23/06/2008 21:53

Nothing wrong with it at all.
If you are sure that it wasnt the gift she gave to your DS then the only thing I can think of that might make her frosty is if you accifdentally left a note/tag on it that shows it is from someone else to your DS...

tissy · 23/06/2008 21:53

any chance that your son could have let slip that the gift was recycled?

Dd did this; she got two identical Bratz Dolls with dog for her 6th birthday (from girls in her class). She was going to the party of best friend from nursery, who now goes to another school the following weekend. This girl hadn't been able to come to dd's party as she was ill.

Dd waltzed into friend's aprty an announced as she handed over the present, " It's a walking Bratz Doll, I got two for my birthday, so we gave you one of them"

Luckily her Mum saw the funny side!

nametaken · 23/06/2008 21:54

We had a similar thread to this in the run up to xmas last year.

I'm with Miggsie on this one. IMO a gift should be chosen with thought for the recepient and effort and care should be put into choosing it and thinking about what they would like to receive. This is what makes a gift valuable.

We all get unwanted presents on occasion and the reason why they are unwanted, is probably because no-one wants it and every one is passing it on.

Donate the gifts to charity shops. That way you can decline giving cash donations to charities in the knowledge that you have already given and not feel guilty.

The thing is, when you give someone a present that you didn't want yourself, what your actually doing is trying to make yourself look more generous than you actually are IYSWIM.

And a lot of people write messages on the inside of the gift, which you wouldn't see until the gift was unwrapped and used

Love2bake · 23/06/2008 21:55

LOL - tissy.... I just love kid's honesty!

HappyMummyOfOne · 23/06/2008 21:57

Happynappies, I agree. I dont re-gift either as I personally think its wrong. I would exchange if a duplicate or wrong age group etc but wouldnt give away as a present.

DS and I shop for party presents when needed and I would be offended if a child/parent opended it, discarded the present as "dire" and gave it away to another party as there gift.

Love2bake · 23/06/2008 21:58

Oh come on people - we are talking crappy power rangers and bratz dolls here!!!

These are not gifts for our most loved ones, we are talking kids parties , ie birthday boy / girl gets 25 presents which are mostly rubbish.

Original poster

recycler · 23/06/2008 22:02

You've made me feel quite ashamed nametaken!
But I don't think anyone could have written on the inside as it was a plastic boxed thing.

I was quite paranoid (guilty conscience) about checking for cellotape etc.

I would say never again, but so many of these "boys toys" are so ghastly that I have a job thinking of what to do with them. DS received a Hulk "Rage Cage" once that I couldn't bring myself to pass on to a charity shop so it's still sitting in the cupboard.

OP posts:

happynappies · 23/06/2008 22:02

for me its the principle - doesn't matter how much the gift costs. I agree in most cases it is harmless, but for me personally don't think it is right.

nametaken · 23/06/2008 22:04

LOL oh god don't feel ashamed - if you're happy to do it then do it - I was just giving you another viewpoint.

You did ask

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