Go to the police with teen?

[Booktote]

I keep finding excessive amounts of sweet wrappers, empty jars of biscoff spread, empty packets of biscuits etc etc hidden in my teen’s room. These are all brands and items we never buy so I know she is getting this herself.

Lots to unpack here such as why she is doing it, which we are working on understanding, but for the purpose of this thread my question is where she gets the money from to pay for all of this. We can see her Revolut spending and it doesn’t match up with any places that would sell these items (for example she’s bought Sainsbury’s and tescos own brand things and has no purchases from there, we also never shop there for our family so she hasn’t added it on whilst running errands). We never have meaningful amounts of cash lying around.

I am worried that she has been shoplifting. If not, then she has stolen from us, technically speaking.

This is not the first time it’s happened. We’ve found copious amounts of wrappers on several other occasions and we’ve always had the same questions about where she gets if all from, and she has never had a good answer. She promises that she has never shoplifted in her life. I’m not sure I believe her.

As this has now become a pattern, it is clear that she is not listening to us when we explain the consequences of shoplifting or stealing (as she must have helped herself to our money somehow, if it’s not shoplifting) I need to help her stop this behaviour before she ends up in serious trouble.

AIBU to consider taking her to the police and explain the above, in the hopes that they scare her straight or get to the bottom of things? Is this a completely unrealistic scenario? Anything else I can try?

Before going to the police and scaring her and maybe damaging your relationship, I think you need to understand why she is overeating. That’s the primary issue, imo then you can get to where she’s getting it from. Also, at the moment you have no evidence she’s stealing either money or the food.
Is someone giving her money or food, if so, why. I agree you need to understand what’s going on, but you need to do this by talking with her, not leaping to police intervention and btw, they won’t actually do anything about this - it’s not a criminal matter at this stage.

I think you need to address her binge-eating disorder before you start bothering the police with this.

@NotAWurstToIt But she doesn’t have access to money outside of what she has on her Revolut, so there are limited ways for these items to have ended up in our house. I cant think of any other options than shoplifting or taking money from us. Both are wrong and one has the potential to end very badly for her which is why I need to address this.

Binge/overeating will be addressed, there is a waitlist for appointments and we are on callback for cancellations with a therapist we have been recommended.

As there's no proof she's actually stolen anything I doubt the police will be interested. You're lucky if you can get them to come out when someone is actually caught in the act of shoplifting.

What if it wasn’t food but other items we found around the house? I am not convinced that the stealing from us/shoplifting and binge eating are the same problem

True. But I don’t feel I can just leave this, she will end up in trouble if we don’t tackle this now and I am not sure what I can do

Don't involve the police. Ask her to show you the receipts - if she can hold on to wrappers, she can hold on to proof of purchase. How would she be able to steal from you? I know how much cash I have around the house and where it is. Do you need to start being more careful with where you keep your money? Good that you are looking into help for potential binge-eating as that is serious enough in itself.

Of course you don't start with the police.

Start by gently asking to chat to her about the food wrappers you have been finding. Ask if she gets uncontrollable sugar cravings as this could be a sign of diabetes. Ask if she suffers from exhaustion and mood swings and let her know sugar rushes and drops can cause these. Ask if she is concerned about the amount of sugar she is eating and ask if she would like your help. Then ask how you can help and listen carefully to her answer. Don't decide how you can help as it may not be what she needs.

Not until you have gained her trust and given her the best parental support you can on this would I tackle where she is getting the money from to buy these things.

Do you keep any cash in the house? If so I would stop that immediately as it may be tempting for her.

The kid is having an eating disorder and you want to tell the police about a crime you think she may have committed with no evidence. Sweet wrappers with certain supermarkets logos on are not evidence of crime.

Please don't do this. Try and speak to them gently about it and offer them the GP or counselling?

It might also be worth bearing in mind that the county lines gangs groom kids with all sorts and money. If she’s not shoplifting, be aware that the money and sweets could be coming from elsewhere. Not saying this is the case, but something to keep in the back of your mind.

Or she could be involved in County Lines, or being groomed - all of which are terrible options, but you need to talk to her and tell her you’re worried about her. If you jump to accusations and involve the police and there’s something terrible happening to her, then she won’t talk to you about it.

“Officer, I know how swamped you are and the country is on its ass, but I’ve dragged my teen daughter here to you today because I found sweet wrappers in her room of brands we don’t buy - do something!”

Talk to her. Communicate.
Stop keeping cash in the house if you think she’s helping herself to it.

Police should be an absolute last resort, with concrete evidence of your concerns. And even then…

Empty jars and wrappers are very easy to dispose of, so if she is hiding them in her room, it suggests that at some level she wants you to find them.

Please don't do this - not least because the police have better things to do with their time than help you solve the mystery of the sweet wrappers in your home. Talk to your daughter in a way that will help her open up to you.

Read the book: How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk.

Your daughter has an eating disorder and that needs addressed and the issues causing it. The money could be coming from many sources. You need to make sure she’s not being groomed and given money in return for company pictures or favours. This could link in to her binge eating and self esteem . Tread very carefully and check her social media and phone access.

‘Are you alright love? You seem hungrier than usual; let’s do a shopping list together of things that might help…’

Could be the start of a conversation.

I agree with pp that you need to work on gaining her trust to tell you what is going on. Don’t take her to the police that will have the opposite effect and make things worse.

OP "Hello, yep, is that the Police? Can you come and talk to my kid who may or may not have shoplifted, please?"
Police, "Sorry, no."

As someone said up above county lines, online grooming can be explanations. If an online groomer can provide a mobile to a teenager they can definitely manage a few sweets.
start with talking to her, going through her phone with a fine tooth comb without her lnowldge.

dont break her trust with the police or she’ll shut down and the problem will be worse. She either has an eating disorder and is stealing from somewhere or is being supplied.
she may also be stealing of you keep this sort of food away from her, allowing her a little may be all she needs

When you asked your DD how she got the money to buy the sweets ect what did she say?
Also is she eating all the stuff herself,how much is she eating and how long has it being going on ?is she gaining weight? Is she worried about it?

Understandably you’re worried, but - gently - the worry feels as though it might be misplaced here. She’s leaving the wrappers around and knows that they are there to be found… that suggests a cry for help of sorts. I’ve done similar things when struggling before, there’s shame but also wanting to be seen. My parents - lovely as they are - were always quick to judge, and what I really needed was a calm, measured conversation - without judgement. My sense (from what you’ve shared) is that an open conversation - stressing that this isn’t about getting in trouble, but coming from a place of love and concern, and wanting her to be happy - is more likely to get a positive outcome than a scare tactic. Hope both you and she are able to get to the bottom of it and move on in contentment.

I am so pleased I grew up at a time when my every purchase wasn’t scrutinised by my parents.

All of this over a few chocolate bars and sweet wrappers. You sound unhinged.

The biggest issue here is the eating disorder, not the (possible) shoplifting. Talk to your daughter. Ask her about the sweet wrappers. If she's not gaining weight, she may be bingeing and purging, and she will need specialist support. Forget involving the police, you are coming at this from the wrong angle.

I would start with a less accusatory approach and more conversational. Ask her when is she going to Sainsbury's/Tesco and who with? What does she buy and is it all for her or does she buy for friends too? Do they buy stuff for her sometimes? When you have a better idea how much she's spending and how often you can then move onto discussing the source.