Go to the police with teen?

[Booktote]

I keep finding excessive amounts of sweet wrappers, empty jars of biscoff spread, empty packets of biscuits etc etc hidden in my teen’s room. These are all brands and items we never buy so I know she is getting this herself.

Lots to unpack here such as why she is doing it, which we are working on understanding, but for the purpose of this thread my question is where she gets the money from to pay for all of this. We can see her Revolut spending and it doesn’t match up with any places that would sell these items (for example she’s bought Sainsbury’s and tescos own brand things and has no purchases from there, we also never shop there for our family so she hasn’t added it on whilst running errands). We never have meaningful amounts of cash lying around.

I am worried that she has been shoplifting. If not, then she has stolen from us, technically speaking.

This is not the first time it’s happened. We’ve found copious amounts of wrappers on several other occasions and we’ve always had the same questions about where she gets if all from, and she has never had a good answer. She promises that she has never shoplifted in her life. I’m not sure I believe her.

As this has now become a pattern, it is clear that she is not listening to us when we explain the consequences of shoplifting or stealing (as she must have helped herself to our money somehow, if it’s not shoplifting) I need to help her stop this behaviour before she ends up in serious trouble.

AIBU to consider taking her to the police and explain the above, in the hopes that they scare her straight or get to the bottom of things? Is this a completely unrealistic scenario? Anything else I can try?

There are many many other options for where she is getting the money.

most obviously someone else is giving it to her. Either a friend at school, or maybe she is unofficially tutoring a classmate for a tenner a week, or getting more serious maybe she has a boyfriend (older or otherwise) or dealing drugs.

you don’t have much imagination if you can’t think of at least ten ways she could be getting it (fairly) legally

I don't know what Revolut is but I'm assuming an account like Monzo etc? Could she have taken out cash and spent it wherever, or bought things and then swapped with her friends?

Also it's a bit much to start talking about eating disorders when we don't actually know how much of this stuff is being eaten or what the rest of her diet is like!

But it wasn't other items and it was food 🤷‍♂️

You've gone from zero to a hundred. You can't punish her for stealing if you don't know if she's stealing. Eating disorder might be a stretch without further information only you know this. What specifically is she saying when you question her where she is getting these things from.

Does it look like binge eating? Or is it just eating stuff that you don't generally allow? Because she might just have friends feeling sorry for her if it's foods that are forbidden or restricted in your house, who might be taking stuff from family cupboards. And if she's keeping all the wrappers rather than hiding them in bins, then she's obviously not worried about you seeing them. So is she doing it for attention?

I also think an eating disorder is a bit of a leap!
Many teens buy sweets, biscuits etc and like to eat them without their parents knowing - it’s a new found freedom of purchasing power and autonomy. They may keep a secret stash. Doesn’t mean they have an eating disorder if they otherwise eat well and are happy. I am pretty sure I did the same when I was a teen!

I think you're trying to crack a walnut with a sledgehammer. I mean even if she is nicking these things, it's unlikely the police would bother investigating biscuit thefts.

You say she never really explains how she gets the things, but what does she say about it? Does she get cash and spend that? Is there a reason she'd want to hide treats from the rest of the family?

Ds is a policeman he said.

She can taken to a police station and ask the police to have a chat with her. He said thats not a problem. But they won't do anymore than that.

Ad a safeguarding thing they ask if sges under any pressure. Explain what a criminal record is and the repercussions of that.

Surely you can determine if she is stealing cash from you? First step is to get a grip of your finances and stop leaving cash where she can access it.

If you had evidence she was stealing other items then that would be a fair conclusion, although I'm not sure it would be a good idea to jump straight to reporting her to the police.

But the items you list ARE all food items, so what makes you think they're different problems?

I am posting here after having exhausted every other option I can think of. We have talked about it several times, she has shared some thoughts around why she eats like this, and we are supporting her as much as we can in this department while we wait for her appointment with a therapist who specialises in eating disorders.

At the same time I am worried about how she pays for this. I worry that if she is shoplifting it is only a matter of time before she ends up in real trouble, and I will do anything I can to prevent this from happening. We have had so many discussions both about what is at stake and also about the moral side of this part of her behaviour but I am not getting through to her.

I don’t believe county lines and grooming would be involved in this case. You never know of course but I don’t think so.

Weight gain, cavities after 16 years of perfect dental health.

We also have type 2 diabetes in the family, typically onset around 60, so I never thought that could be what is causing this. Thank you to the previous poster who mentioned it! Will definitely have this looked at.

Because I’m not convinced shoplifting in general occurs to fund just one specific need? I worry that once you’ve started, you could end up doing it again for all sorts of reasons. I don’t believe we can assume it would stay limited to food items only

Thank you! This would be the ideal outcome! Glad to hear they might be willing to do this, provided they have time and resources for it of course

So she’s 17/18 for context?
She’s very clearly struggling and understandably, so are you by the sound of it.
i imagine it seems very frustrating right now that things are so hard but getting the police involved on your kid is going to help no one. Is there any way you afford private therapy?

Don’t make the police parent for you. Sort it out as a family.

But it’s not, it’s the food items and I’ll eat my hat if the 2 things aren’t related

Why don't you buy moderate amounts of the things she wants and see if that helps at all, sweets and treats being forbidden might be making things worse. Does she get enough exercise, do you set an example for this?

@Booktote I think it's not unusual to start stealing to fund an addiction, IDK how likely it is that the theft would broaden outside of that addiction, however surely that's a potential future problem, which might never happen, especially if it she gets help for what sounds like binge eating.

I think you need to focus on helping her with the main problem. @Rainydays26 suggestion sounds potentially helpful. I'd just be a bit concerned that it might lead her to lose trust in you and make it harder for you to support her with the eating problem. I guess it could depend how you approach it though.

Echo most of the other fantastic responses here - it might be worth speaking to her school or college in confidence as they often have limited counselling services they can draw upon or it may well be they can throw some light on the issue. Could join up with another piece of info they have? You may not have to wait so long for counselling from them. Is there a trusted teacher or form tutor she can speak to or a family friend or relative who she may feel able to open up to. Have they noticed any changes in her? Has she changed friendship groups? Have u noticed any other new behaviours? Are there academic stressors at school? Could it be to gain attention and she has taken the items or money as cry for help? It could be linked to peers at school - have any of them hung out with her in her room and as one person said gave her the food or bought the items , shared them and ate them and left wrappers behind? Although thought she may have explained that as is a straightforward . I think young minds charity offer telephone support to parents and could offer some advice as to how to approach the situation? Is it possible she is obtaining the items from a younger student by coercion? Again the school may have some information about this. I would speak to someone at school or young minds as first point of call. Good luck.

You can’t take her to the police for that, they don’t have any evidence of her shoplifting apart from what you are saying. To be fair, they just won’t have time for it, and nor should they waste Police resources on it. You will have to speak to her yourself.

You want the Police to parent your daughter?

You need to keep her out of the criminal justice system as far as possible. Hopefully her brain will wire up properly at some point. It's about getting her there safely. I would be more inclined to get her some therapy than hand her in.

Imagine turning up at the police station “my DD eats a lot of junk and I think she‘s stealing it”….
I’d be more concered about her binge eating and hiding the evidence.

It depends if you want to frighten your daughter or understand her.