AIBU to expect household jobs to be finished properly?

[SharpBlueBear]

Not a major issue, but something we disagree on so just trying to see if I am being unreasonable or not. DH says I am being controlling/ungrateful when he does a chore/job in the house but doesn't finish it fully & I am then a bit annoyed that I have to.

Some examples are:

• Will take out kitchen bins if they are full but then doesn't put a new bag in which inevitably I end up doing as need to use the bin.
• Will get the vacuum out & use it but then leaves it out, not back in the cupboard where he got it out from.
• If he unloads the dishwasher (not very often) will leave half the bits out on the side as he 'doesn't know where they go' - we've lived in the house for 9 years now & the kitchen has always been the same!
• If he loads the dishwasher (again not often) does it very haphazardly so not much fits in or won't get cleaned properly so I have to reorganise it before it can go on.

Just a few examples off the top of my head. However there are often times when he will absentmindedly leave cups/mugs/plates/drink cans/clothes around that I also have to pick up/tidy away.

For context, both 33, 2 kids - 5 & 1. DH works full time self employed, I work part time 2 days. Nursery/School runs are shared but I do majority.
I do most, if not all life/home admin. I do all Nursery/school admin, I take care of getting all kids clothes/shoes etc.
I do all meal planning, shopping & 95% of cooking. All laundry & most of the cleaning etc in the house is on me too. We both contribute to bills etc.

So AIBU to expect if DH does jobs/chores in the house that he actually finishes them? Or am I just being picky & ungrateful?

No mine is exactly the same.

However he also claims i leave jobs unfinished maybe he is right

Mine is the same. But I recognise similar behaviour in myself, just not with cleaning, so I try not to get resentful!

You both should read "The marriage lesson I learned too late" by Matthew Fray.

There's no excuse for doing half a job. Your husband knows it as well as you do.

Hm, I think both DH and I can be guilty of this sometimes 🫣

Nope. Half a job doesn't count as done. Early on in my case I just used the bins and he had to wash them.
.
Just walk round jobs half-done. Through gritted teeth. Trip over the vacuum, put wet waste in the bin. Run the dishwasher. Use not-properly clean crockery for his dinner...

I call mine "Arthur Job" because of this.

He sees you as the house skivvy.
Sorry.
He sounds awful and that type of lazy, selfish, arsehole behaviour is why women go off men.

Not finishing jobs is something I have to pick up my teenagers on, esp DS12. I wouldn’t accept it from an adult!

Examples here include not putting a new bin bag in/ replacing the bin bag I use in the recycling bins (the recycling gets tipped into the outside bins, and the bag returned until it starts falling apart).

Emptying the dishwasher includes putting in anything that’s on the side waiting for the dishwasher to be emptied! (Never very much but as it’s one person’s job to empty it, sometimes they don’t get to it straight away)

Oh and I had to explain to DS about plugging the cordless hoover back in after using only yesterday!

Weaponised incompetence
I don't buy the "they don't do any better "
They do
They wouldn't get on like this with their boss.

YANBU.

Doesn’t know where kitchen stuff goes?? Ridiculous.

Your point about loading the dishwasher though - according to my DH, I load the dishwasher like a madwoman, because it’s not done to his standards of the way he thinks it should be done. So now I just leave it to him. Not putting the hoover away or putting a fresh bin bag in is obviously not finishing the job and would be incredibly annoying. The dishwasher thing is just him not doing it as efficiently as you’d like. But I can see how in combination with the other things it would wind you up.

I was going to suggest similar. Always leave the hoover where he'll fall over it. Use the improperly washed things for his meals. Leave bin bag out. Keep your own crockery separate and wash it separately. Put things left out of the dishwasher into it before he empties it. He's not bothered so give him a taste of it.

I spotted you saying “have too” three times. You don’t. Another choice. Just don’t for a while

Weaponised incompetence.

See I completely disagree with this, I do a couple of the above things quite a lot but completely unintentionally.

The bin thing drives DH mad but it is absolutely not on purpose, I will tie the bin up, l take it out - which is through the house, round the garden down to the side of the house where the wheely bin is kept, usually on the way back in Ds or DH stops me or something distracts me and then I'm onto my 5th thing before remembering that the bin needs a new bag in.

Vacuum - I'll take it upstairs, use it but then start on something else, I'm not taking it downstairs until I'm actually going that way rather than immediately as finished but if DH then comes upstairs he thinks too that it's been 'left out'

however DH is the one not allowed to stack the dishwasher as he's terrible at it and will claim it's full when it absolutely is not!

What I'm trying to say is - living with someone else can often be a bit shit because they just aren't you and nor will they always do things the way you want but that doesn't make either of you instantly wrong.

"DH says I am being controlling/ungrateful when he does a chore/job in the house..."

Why should you be grateful if he does some of the household chores? Presumably he contributes to creating the dust that needs hoovering/dirty dishes/filling the bin etc etc. Is he grateful when you do the job properly?

It makes me really cross when I read about the division of household labour and how many people feel they can treat their partners. OP, I am fuming on your behalf!

Honestly, my Dh can be a bit like this but after your post, I am never going to complain again because he occassionally doesn't wipe the surfaces after he's cleaned the kitchen

The "I don't know where things go" argument is the one that would make me the most mad becuase it's indicative of a much bigger problem where he is 100% uninterested in how the house runs.

I bet this is the tip of the iceberg. He sounds like a complete dick frankly.

Unless he has unmedicated ADHD there is no excuse for this. If he has unmedicated ADHD, he should get medications.

Weaponised incompetence

Me too!!

It’s called weaponised incompetence. If he does the job badly enough you’ll stop asking him to do it and just do it yourself.

Im sure he’s a perfectly capable human being when it comes to his tasks during his paid job away from the home or when it comes to booking a trip with his friends etc.

Put your foot down and stop letting it slide otherwise you’ll just end up doing everything for everyone and despising him.

Thank you all for taking the time to reply.

Many of you have echoed things that I think/feel. Sometimes it's hard to know if it's just a difference in how we do things - I don't expect him to do things 'my way' - or if I'm justified in feeling a bit fed up!

He also is generally quite forgetful, but as some of you pointed out, not about things he feels are important!

You are definitely not being unreasonable - but I would not choose this hill to die on.

No agreed. Just perhaps push for a little more change in certain areas.

Stop finishing these jobs for him.

“I can see you’ve emptied the bin but haven’t put a bag in, would you be able to do that please.”

”if you’re done with the hoover can you put it back please.”

if he accuses you of nagging tell him that if he just did the job properly you wouldn’t be having to remind him to and that it’s frustrating to have to finish his half finished jobs.

so many women feel they have to be quiet when the nagging word comes out but it’s used for exactly that reason, to shut you down and make you feel that you’re wrong.