AIBU to tell my parents not to visit us yet?

[Twosheep]

My Dad has form for being narcissistic, he likes to click his fingers and expect that people will fall into line. I grew up trying to please him and it’s taken me a few years of therapy to finally realise now in my 40’s the pressures that were put on me to as a kid keep him happy; I made his priorities my priorities, and even went into a career that he loves.

The last few years unpicking all of this has been painful, but now I’ve realised it, I’ve ditched that career, and DH and I decided to move our young family 150 miles away from where I grew up to a beautiful new area, in large part to be away from my family pressures.

We’ve been back to visit my Dad and enabling Mum twice in 6 months, for a few days each time. (Mum’s life revolves around looking after Dad and keeping him happy, because he bullies and criticises her. Her favourite saying is “everything I do is wrong”.)

Most recently we made a surprise visit 2 weeks ago for Dad’s birthday.

Every time we speak on the phone they say they want to come and visit us at our new town. I don’t want them to, as I am still figuring things out here; we’re in the process of buying a house which is proving really stressful. Our kids are in new schools, and we’re trying to make friends.

They say they’ll stay in a hotel but just want to see us.

But It feels like my parents represent my old life and the pressure I felt as a kid, and I am not ready to have them visit yet. I have explicitly said to them, ‘yes it will be nice when you visit…I will let you know when we’re ready.’

Now Dad has rung me several times this week and told me they randomly are coming to an event 1 mile from us this weekend! It’s a 3 hour drive, so not a casual visit. He said “we’d love to see you if you can”.

I know this sounds unreasonable but I want to scream LEAVE ME ALONE.

My DH suggested we tell them we’re away and can’t see them. He has been witness to a lot of the pressure on me over the years and has been instrumental in helping me feel less guilty about it. He can see the manipulations.

I just feel SO bad. I know my other friends would love their parents to visit them like this. I know they won’t be around forever.

I guess I just needed to vent. Does anyone else have a narc parent and enabling parent like mine?

What do I do! Gah. I hate being unkind. They are old. I keep ignoring their calls as I can’t say what I really think. But I wish they would back off.

Say what you really think. Stand up for yourself. You don't want them to visit currnetly as it's added hassle at an already stressful time. You will let them know when you are ready for a visit. Phone down.

You aren't being unkind. Your childhood was difficult due to your narcissistic dad and your enabling mum who always put your dad first.

You haven't invited them to visit but they keep pestering you and have now manufactured a plausible excuse for being in your neighbourhood, making it very hard for you to say no. Your parents' behaviour hasn't changed but they now have fewer opportunities to expose you to their toxic and co-dependent behaviours.

If you don't feel comfortable just telling them that you don't want them to visit, do what your husband has suggested and tell them that you won't be there. However, they will probably turn up anyway so you may need to go out for the day just in case.

Oh bless you, that sounds really tricky. It's easy for us to say just say no, but actually doing that isn't easy. Can you maybe do a lunch? Say you have plans the rest of the weekend but could meet them for lunch somewhere? Pick somewhere that works for yous and the kids. If its somewhere neutral then you are able to leave if it gets too much. Good luck!

It’s not easy, I had to finally cut contact with my family 12 months ago, and really it only lasted that long because I moved away at 19 so contact was a couple of times a year.

If you can, I would just say this weekend doesn’t work and leave it at that. Do they know your current address?

Don't do it OP, you'll be kicking yourself at not standing firm on this. You have very valid reasons not to see them. Stay strong, hard though it must be.

Stand up for yourself and say no. I can’t believe you’ve moved all that way and you’re still bothering to visit them!

Thanks everyone

no they don’t know our address - we’re renting in short lets at the moment so moving around

The suggestion of meeting them for lunch gave me the sensation of a kick in the stomach, which showed me just how much I do NOT want to see them! Not for five minutes!

My dad has a way of steam rollering people and forcing things to his way.

My DH can’t understand why I can’t be more explicit and just say no, as pp’s have suggested

I guess when you’ve been trained from being a little kid it’s really tough. Despite it all…I don’t want to hurt his feelings?!

Watching with interest. My partner is in your exact situation, having moved many hundreds of miles away, and now his parents have decided to come ‘often’ and are looking for AirBnBs to stay in ‘regularly’.

Thank you, and I bloody wish I didn’t have to go back and visit!

After the surprise birthday trip (which went really well, he was so thrilled) I honestly thought I’d fulfilled my daughterly duty for a while, and I felt so peaceful for a whole week… until they started calling and leaving several messages about coming to this event, that they’re apparently suddenly SO desperate to come to.

There’s no way they would have been interested to drive all that way if we didn’t live here, so as PP’s have said it’s a manufactured excuse

When I had my first born, first grandchild for both families we lived within 10 miles of both families. They’re all lovely people but would turn up unannounced at weekends, every weekend. We felt we never got time to be just us three. We ended up just going out for the day. It was a nuisance at first but they did start calling first.

My heart goes out to your partner! If they hadn’t had therapy yet, I recommend finding a good talking therapist

On the face of it people probably think I have wonderful loving parents. But it’s way more complicated than that

Can your DH have a firm word with your DF?
When I was suffering with PND, my DM kept saying she would come to support me. She let me down several times when I really wanted her. Eventually, DH actually wrote her a letter to tell her how her actions were perceived, she wasn't happy re the letter. But she realised how wrong she had been.

Just tell them they can come round when you are ready.

You do not have to have your parents to stay, it will happen when you are ready.

You have a busy family so you can always be too busy to visit them or for them to visit you..
In this case, you have just surprised them yet they politely ask if they can visit.
In this case I would accept the visit and make the time and terms exactly how you wish.

The relationship might be much better with distance. Thank them for phoning first and thank them for visiting.
Next time be too busy unless the time suits you.

Invite them up for a day trip every six months. You visit them every six months.
Try to salvage a sustainable relationship on new adult terms. You are equals. It might be liberating.

Of course if your parents disrespect you, don't see them.

Keep saying no.
Don't tell them your address.
Don't answer any phone calls.
If you don't want to see them, you don't have to.

Take your husband's lead. Actually GO somewhere nice with the children for the weekend. Tell you're parents you're not available, knowing they'll turn up. Letting them knock at the door to an empty house will dissuade them from trying it again.

"What a shame, we won't be around this weekend." If you are really worried about hurting his feelings.
"Not this weekend, I will let you know when we're ready for visitors." If you want to reinforce boundaries.
You will feel better when this is accepted, though you might have to ignore a few phone calls. Maybe respond with texts - busy, speak soon, hope you have a nice weekend.

I think the not making a decision on this (and probably other interactions with them) is part of what is causing your stress.

Just go back and say 'oh that's a shame but we are already committed to a day out/have plans. We'll arrange something properly when we are our new house'.

Angsting over it does you no good. I say this as someone who does the same.

Or if you can't do that, just accept what you can do now.

But everything is worse without a decision either way. It builds up and sits with you all the time.