AIBU to tell my parents not to visit us yet?

[Twosheep]

My Dad has form for being narcissistic, he likes to click his fingers and expect that people will fall into line. I grew up trying to please him and it’s taken me a few years of therapy to finally realise now in my 40’s the pressures that were put on me to as a kid keep him happy; I made his priorities my priorities, and even went into a career that he loves.

The last few years unpicking all of this has been painful, but now I’ve realised it, I’ve ditched that career, and DH and I decided to move our young family 150 miles away from where I grew up to a beautiful new area, in large part to be away from my family pressures.

We’ve been back to visit my Dad and enabling Mum twice in 6 months, for a few days each time. (Mum’s life revolves around looking after Dad and keeping him happy, because he bullies and criticises her. Her favourite saying is “everything I do is wrong”.)

Most recently we made a surprise visit 2 weeks ago for Dad’s birthday.

Every time we speak on the phone they say they want to come and visit us at our new town. I don’t want them to, as I am still figuring things out here; we’re in the process of buying a house which is proving really stressful. Our kids are in new schools, and we’re trying to make friends.

They say they’ll stay in a hotel but just want to see us.

But It feels like my parents represent my old life and the pressure I felt as a kid, and I am not ready to have them visit yet. I have explicitly said to them, ‘yes it will be nice when you visit…I will let you know when we’re ready.’

Now Dad has rung me several times this week and told me they randomly are coming to an event 1 mile from us this weekend! It’s a 3 hour drive, so not a casual visit. He said “we’d love to see you if you can”.

I know this sounds unreasonable but I want to scream LEAVE ME ALONE.

My DH suggested we tell them we’re away and can’t see them. He has been witness to a lot of the pressure on me over the years and has been instrumental in helping me feel less guilty about it. He can see the manipulations.

I just feel SO bad. I know my other friends would love their parents to visit them like this. I know they won’t be around forever.

I guess I just needed to vent. Does anyone else have a narc parent and enabling parent like mine?

What do I do! Gah. I hate being unkind. They are old. I keep ignoring their calls as I can’t say what I really think. But I wish they would back off.

I wouldnt see them if its triggering but id reframe how how i view my mother it sounds like she has been the victim 9f has corecive behaviour for her life victims of abuse cant help it look how long its taken you to escape it.

Hi OP, same situation here but the other way round (covert narcissist mother and enabling Dad).
Like you it took until my forties to see the situation for what it is and take stock of the reality of my childhood (which I’d been in denial about).
I found that when I found my voice and started setting boundaries things initially things became immeasurably worse because she couldn’t accept my boundaries and would use every manipulation tactic in the book to try to regain control of me and get her own way.
It’s not an exaggeration to say that it was a living nightmare at the time, but I’m telling you this because after holding strong for over 12 months she finally realised I couldn’t be controlled any more and she went into the next narcissistic stage of “discard”.
Exactly as it sounds - I have been badmouthed to the entire family and all her friends with made up lies (so that she controls the narrative) but the amazing part is that she now leaves me alone!
The sad part is that she totally turned the whole family against me but to be honest she was always doing that before anyway with her lies without me realising!
Now I have space and peace, and although she occasionally leaves a missed call to see if she can reel me in, I am intentionally NC and it is glorious.
In your position I would hold firm, but be aware that you may well end up in my position and it’s up to you to decide how you feel about that.

My parents are the same. I would suggest 2 things, to say your away/unavailable this time like your DH suggests and then don't respond after that and then in time to teach them about boundaries also, because it may actually be possible to teach them or hopefully anyway. You could start treating them with the same courtesy you would like and encourage them to say when they will be available etc. it could be worth a shot 🤞

Thank you for this and I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through. You are so brave and strong to free yourself from it.

I ended up replying to his text message (after the several calls and answer messages he also left) saying that we are visiting DH’s friends this weekend so won’t be around, and I will let them know when it’s a better time to visit.

I drove past the event this morning on the school run, and it was so triggering I sobbed all the way home. I feel so sad for the little girl that just tried her best to make things ok by pursuing her Dad’s passion. It was my whole life for a long time.

Moving away has been such a tonic, if anything this week has shown me just how necessary it was, as it was so much worse when we lived two miles away from them

I listen to people say ‘just be honest and tell your dad no’ (including my DH) but I can’t describe the level of guilt; when you’ve been made to feel responsible for your parent’s feelings your whole life..

I get the triggered feeling, it’s so horrible. Last time I was in my parents village my watch kept warning me of my high stress level.

I hope the weekend passes peacefully, you are doing the right thing