Help!!! Child nursery meltdown

[irishchick93]

Hey. My almost 3 year old has been attending daycare 2 x days a week for a full year. A full year of crying every single time we go. Has started recently saying "no puddleducks" everytime we get into the car ... any day of the week. He apparently settles okay and has a bap and his snack there although wont eat there food. Its actually giving me such anxiety every morning we go as I only sent him to socialize and have a bit of a break as i work nights but honestly just thinking of pulling him out.

We jave an option for a pre pre place 2 hours 3 x times a day from september but are they just going to cry going going there too.
Or should i perservere or any tips?

Amy advice welcome please!!! 🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯

As a Mum, I remember how hard this was, my daughter cried for a whole term every day.
As someone who now works in a nursery, can he tell you what it is he doesn't like? Is he happy to be left with friends or family, or does that upset him? I would persevere with some childcare, otherwise school is a shock to the system if he is not used to being away from you, but a change of setting might help. What does his key person suggest? Can he take a transition toy, pictures of you or something that smells of you?
Best of luck,

Thanks @littlemisspickles
He can at times be clingy but is more than happy going to toddler mornings/grandparents house it does just seem to be here. Ive tried bribing saying we will get a toy on the way home dont really think he understands. Im really worried im going to traumatize him. 😪

@littlemisspickleshis key person & the manager call him a rascal and say your poor mum and you just settle in 5 mins. Theyve given ip giving him dinner though its alwaus a no yucky

This happened to us and we pulled out child out. I think it was too loud for him and the key worker also wasn’t kind. Are your instincts saying he needs to leave?

Do you believe he really settles? Or do you think he just gives up because he knows he is there for the day at that point? Does he ever talk about enjoying any aspects?

@MissHavershamReturns a friend of mine works at the daycare and agrees he settles although she wouldnt know him well as shes an old friend from school.

His speech isnt great so he wouldnt be able to vocalise exactly what he doesnt like but i do see pics of him painting and dancing etc.

I know a lot of the staff as is my hometown so no my instincts would say he is being well looked after but i cant shake the guilt. I dont think its good for him to be stuck in the housewith me those days as i really need to rest for night shift and cant have him watching screentime all day. 🤯

He is quite demanding generally though as 2/3 year olds are 🤣

Not sure if this helps or hinders but i pay full days 7am-6pm and hes usually there 12noon - 4pm only.

Bump

I would get him out of there, personally. He’s vulnerable because of his speech, he can’t articulate what’s wrong and it’s been a whole year. He dreads it enough that he mentions it every time he gets in the car.

I am not saying that something terrible is happening to him there - that’s very unlikely, though not impossible. But in his little mind, whatever is bothering him is bothering him a lot. I think your instincts are telling you this isn’t right.

@sprigatito thanks. Whats your thoughts on it being seperation anxiety?

I think separation anxiety is a bit of an umbrella term, and it can certainly be precipitated or prolonged by genuine distress in a particular environment. The fact that it only happens with this nursery, that it happens every time and that he is mentioning it every time he gets in the car, to me suggests a specific aversion to that place. Bear in mind also that nursery staff will almost always tell parents that their children were fine as soon as they left, and that it isn’t always the truth.

Is it hard for him to go half way through the day? Do most of the children go in in the morning? I imagine arriving for lunch (that he doesn’t like) and nap time isn’t as fun as arriving first thing when activities are all go.
If you are paying for a full day and trust your friend who sees him there and says he is ok then I’d be tempted to try that.
I’d also try having someone else drop him off and see if that makes a difference.

If he's not getting there til 12, what time is the nap? maybe getting in earlier would help?It's such a tricky one isn't it, a couple of my children had separation anxiety too and the guilt of leaving them is so much.

Pull him out, he sounds deeply unhappy - the crying and not eating is him communicating he is unsettled in the setting.
Preschool place from September sounds worth trying.
My children only went to preschool at 3, and for 2/3 mornings only, and were absolutely fine in school. Children need their parents in the main - socialising will come in time and is not needed at this age in a nursery setting.

I would remove him as he’s clearly miserable .
Try pre school later .

Why are you doing this? Looks like a collosal waste of money to me, and he'll be missing routines. E.g. they might have circle time first thing in the morning and talk about what they'll be doing that day. They might be going to have snacks or play in the garden at 4 and you're removing him.

My son was very upset when he was only attending 2 days per week. Funnily enough, going for 3 days helped him settle down faster.

He's 3 now and we're debating putting him in 4 days a week but think we'll hold off until January.

This nursery might just be a poor fit for him and after a year I'd probably look for a fresh start in September.

Kids that young don't need 'socialising'.

They need consistent care from one or two caregivers and opportunities to play in a park or soft play from time to time.

@irishchick93It’s very upsetting isn’t it? I had exactly this with DD2. Total tantrum when I dropped her off every day. Banging on the door to be let out and really crying. She had been to another day care nursery and was fine. This one started at age 3 and dc transferred to our local school, so it had made sense to start there. Other dd had loved it there. After a term, I gave up.

We started her at a private school nursery (in effect the school) and she never cried once! Not once. Went in to the room with me and chose an activity, and she was happy! The school had a play uniform and it was like going to school. I think she wanted to be like her older sister in terms of uniform and school. So, I would move him if you have the chance. I don’t think there’s anything to lose and all to gain. If his language isn’t great, he does need to go to nursery.

I think 2x per week is actually harder on kids than every day. They don’t really ever get into a routine with it or spend enough time there that make proper friends or connect with the staff.

Any change you could increase his hours?! Sounds counterproductive but may just help.

If he doesn’t need to be there take him out for the summer and try a new preschool next year.

Toddler rooms are loud and chaotic and a lot of two years olds struggle to settle. Obviously some love it but this is the age group that can struggle most. The best age for the child (as opposed to what parents need) is preschool age as this is the stage they really start to enjoy playing with others and sharing isn’t so difficult for them.

My DS has been struggling at his nursery. It’s busy and loud. Sometimes he’s okay but he often has to come home early because he struggles to cope. He also has speech delay. We have found another nursery with fewer kids, more space and better understanding of SEN. We are hoping he can start there next term. Have you looked at alternative settings?

@Bryonyberries The dc is nearly three but I agree with you about playing cooperatively. It’s usually age 3-4. However any good nursery should split dc up into quieter craft activities and keep the noisy boys doing other things. I didn’t notice noise and chaos in either nursery my DDs attended. Not sure parents would have paid the fees for chaos at the private school. I’d have moved them if the nursery staff allowed this for prolonged periods. One nursery had a letter of the day or sound of the day and DDs, effectively, did phonics at 3. Most dc managed to sit on the floor and join in.

I was thinking to start with it might be that 2 days isn’t enough - then you said he only does 4 hours on those days, so i definitely think that’s contributing to it! He’s not there enough to actually get into a routine etc. it might be harder to find someone to play with as the other kids will have been there since the morning, so will already be playing together.

When my sons were little, we found that they got far more upset with me dropping them to nursery than they did when my husband dropped them. Someone up thread suggested getting someone had to drop him off, I think that’s worth a try!

How soon after he gets home do you go to work? I’m wondering if he’s associating going to nursery as coinciding with the going to work when he gets home? Obviously if you don’t start til after he’s gone to bed it’s not likely the case, but if it’s collect him, go home, and you head off to work, you could try mornings instead if you aren’t going to up his days?

Definitely, I would take him out.

All those saying ‘take him out’ without offering an alternative solution aren’t really helping OP.
She works nights. She needs to rest before her shift. Do you honestly recommend she stays awake 24 hours doing childcare and then working? Because that isn’t sustainable.