Does anyone else have parents who drive them mad?

[50sandFabulous]

Gah. I do my Dad's Asda shop on-line, twice a week. He's 84 and not on-line. He always calls me the day before he wants to place the order, just to check that I can take the order the next day (which I always can, as I WFH). I told him yesterday, that I would call him today, once I have a gap in my schedule to do it. Cue him calling from 8.55am, and calling and calling and calling, and leaving voicemails, to remind me that his list is ready. Same thing happens every single time! Drives me nuts! I will call you when I'm ready!!

My mum rejected all technology in her 50’s - what a mistake! She has never read or sent a text or email & never purchased anything online. Utter refusal to learn. Consequently she is a menace on the phone. We have several missed calls between us every day - all of which could be avoided with one short text,
Any humour and goodwill on my part has long vanished.

Good Lord! How old is she now?
My DH started a new job with a branch of the Civil Service in his 50s - which involved him managing, and training other people to manage, large government databases that were used to track important things during COVID.
Did she think she was too old to learn new tricks? How bizarre. In your 50s you've easily got 30 more years in which more things can change/you will need to do things.

She is 81 now. She walked out of her job in her 50s because they introduced computers & got a job answering a phone line instead.

She is now disabled & stuck at home a lot - she doesn’t even know what she’s missing re - audio books, Spotify, Netflix

I work with volunteers in their 80’s - some are amazing - they are regularly using authentication apps. doing vlookups, downloading from databases etc. It’s totally a mindset

My FIL is 78 and an absolute whizz with tech. There is nothing he can't do. He uses his banking apps, books holidays and flights....if you said well done, he would look at you like you were mad. I can't think of one thing that me or DH can do, that he can't.

My Dad, otoh, at 84 can use the landline and that's it! He used to e-mail and text, but no longer can. He couldn't even manage the elderly big button mobile we got for him. Hence lots of calls, like PP said up thread.

DH Grandad couldn't get to grips with the remote for the TV. Neighbours had to call him over, as Grandad's garage door was opening and closing constantly, and they found Grandad pointing the garage remote at the telly, and getting very mad because the channel wasn't changing! 😂😆

@sprigatito I know there are limits and the piss pot is horrible . But I did laugh at your father pelting you with lumps of stale bread 🍞 😁. Gotta laugh at that or you will scream .

Oh God it is maddening and I’m afraid I don’t miss the infuriating bits. Though I did feel for my mum as companies stopped responding by phone. She was fine at email but preferred phone contact and I didn’t blame her.

Tbh at 57 I can feel I’m starting to drive ds fairly mad. He’s very kind at the moment but give it 20 years…

I’m in my seventies too, and regularly read Elderly Parents posts to check that I haven’t started doing anything annoying.

According to DGS, that ship has already sailed

Mine drive me mad too. Each ine doe different reasons.
I took away for a weekend and my daughter was laughing her head off. Apparently it was entertaining watching how much they fruatrate me, like I allegedly frustrate her 🤷🏾‍♀️.

No, I don’t have parents driving me mad. My Mum died when I was 13 and my father died when I was 36. I don’t really remember my Mum as she was ill a lot of the time before she died and, in hindsight, my father was not the best father.

However, those relationships aside….. It is fairly well known that as people age their views and characters become more extreme and entrenched. That is a fact of life and offspring need to understand that.

I am now living as a carer for my 84 year old husband who has Alzheimer’s and I can look back and see his character changed gradually over the last 15-20 years. Alzheimer’s can be a very slow invasive disease and isn’t always diagnosed due to a lot of the symptoms being attributed to old age, stubbornness, etc.

My husband’s illness has drained me physically and emotionally but it’s not him who is doing this to me. The person I live with, who I am legally, financially and morally responsible for is now a shell, a complete stranger who just happens to share my home. He does still recognise me but has no concern or compassion for my physical and emotions issues. He is completely focused on his immediate time and geographical world.

I’m not going to tell anyone to be thankful they still have parents alive, or they should be grateful to their parents but please, just be aware that old age and its various ailments aren’t always cut and dried.

The poster who said ‘It’s not that he can’t do it, it’s that he won’t do it. And you’re enabling that unfortunately.’ is spouting a load of uninformed rubbish unless they have first hand knowledge of the situation. A lot of people are incredibly clever at masking their symptoms. It took me a few years to realise my husband was mirroring all my menu choices , use of cutlery, drinks choices etc. and repeating my opinions on current affairs. Before he retired he was the ‘go to’ person in his office for IT issues. He now can’t do anything on a computer.

Please just understand that, yes, some people are nasty, some people just get a bit weird as they age and some are suffering from some form of Dementia.

Your post brought me to tears. I nursed my husband for 10 years. When the cancer eventually hit his brain he only had a few weeks left, and I found that hard enough. The intelligent, witty man was disappearing before my eyes. I don’t know how you cope, but send you a hug ready for the next time you need one.

Oh God my Dad took my toddler out without telling any in on the morning of my wedding. They didn’t even know each other tbh.

I expect your Dad misses your Mum more and honestly, he's deaf, has poor speech, isn't 'connected' to the world around him in a functional way so is struggling, really struggling and you can only give him a small window of acceptable contact? I get the mornings don't work but would it kill you to give him 10 or 15 mins at 8pm???

Surely meeting him halfway is easier than insisting he has do it exactly right or it won't happen. View things from his side. Have compassion.

I have a very capable and independent dad, but god is he a moaner!

He doesn't miss my Mum. That much I do know. You are right about his not being connected in a functional way though. I do chat to him if he calls at 8pm, I just don't want to turn off the film, go downstairs, fire up the lap top etc and do the shop then, when I've told him so many times that I can take it during the day. I'm free to chat from around 10am until 5pm. It's a huge window of time. In reality though, it never is a chat, because he just talks over me. If I reply, he can't hear me, because he refuses to wear his hearing aids. So I have to SCREAM to be heard, so much so that I am hoarse. As for compassion, I am guessing you haven't read all my posts about our childhood, his long standing alcoholism and his behaviour in the retirement village bar?

I know this sounds simplistic but if you love him, suck it up.
If you are doing it out of duty, obligation, guilt etc. maybe rethink your relationship.
Nobody owes their parents anything unless they want to because they love them.

We don't have much choice tbh, he has no one else, and of course we aren't going to see him suffer.

Can I just say that I have an iPhone and I am used to using a computer, don’t need help with it etc., but my sister in law bought herself one of those phones marketed for the elderly, large buttons, etc. She kept saying “I can’t do texting “ or “I don’t think my phone does that sort of thing “ so I had a look at it for her. After two frustrating hours I gave up. It was so difficult to use. I advised her to go back to the shop and get an iPhone or an android.

But you do have the choice of not caring for him. You are not legally responsible so as long as you alert the authorities to his position, anything else is your guilt, feelings of obligation etc.
I said it would sound harsh/simplistic but that is the reality.

Would "don't call me, I'll call you" work op? - though, from your description, he probably has some degree of alcohol related brain damage so may well not remember.

Some parents are shit, though. I can't even imagine running around after an alcoholic parent in their old age, after I had spent my childhood afraid of him. You're going above and beyond, OP.

Easy to say that if you are not the one in that position.... it realistically isnt that simple and dependant on whether you 'love' them or not

I accept your right to say this but I disagree.

Both my elderly parents get on ok with Android phones - mum uses the web/WhatsApp/podcasts but dad only texts and calls as far as I know. I think it's helped that though they are in their 80s, they've had similar mobiles for about 10 years.
I feel like we had a huge leap forward about 10-15 years ago and not much more since that you can't do without (nobody needs a smart watch the way they need smartphones) so if people have managed that shift they can now consolidate their skills a bit, but if they haven't they are stuck.
For @50sandFabulous would your dad post you his list?

My mam not on whatsapp. My sister very good will do bit online for her. Its very tiring though at times. My aunt 70s on Facebook etc. We all different. Technology not easy if you not used to it.

Its terrifying to imagine that unless we die young, we could all end up driving our children to vent about us online or become the butt of their jokes. Doesn't matter what we were like a decade or so earlier, how much responsibility we had, how intelligent, skilled or capable we were, the climax of our lives is to be an infuriating nuisance to those we love, or a laughing stock. It's very depressing.