Does anyone else have parents who drive them mad?

[50sandFabulous]

Gah. I do my Dad's Asda shop on-line, twice a week. He's 84 and not on-line. He always calls me the day before he wants to place the order, just to check that I can take the order the next day (which I always can, as I WFH). I told him yesterday, that I would call him today, once I have a gap in my schedule to do it. Cue him calling from 8.55am, and calling and calling and calling, and leaving voicemails, to remind me that his list is ready. Same thing happens every single time! Drives me nuts! I will call you when I'm ready!!

Can you print out a load of these and he puts it in the post first class??
He'll then call to ask if it's arrived but you can always put your phone on silent!

Oh god yes, my Mother does, and she's only 71, and loves to tell me she'll be dead soon; she is fit as a fiddle and has ongoing niggles that she over inflates (think IBS is stomach cancer, multiple scans, year later same thing again). She takes not responsibility for diet and cannot fathom it could be anything to do with it!
My lovely df on the other hand died too soon, and God what I'd give for him to annoy me! Miss him like crazy.

Oh, god you're giving me vibes of my own MIL, who, because she brought up 12 younger brothers and sisters in the kind of household where the girls basically tended to the boys and their father (don't start me) before having her own large family, of which DS is the youngest, thinks of herself as a baby expert.

Her thing with babies is repeatedly clicking her fingers about an inch from the baby's eyes, saying 'Babies love this!' When, not surprisingly, the baby cries because it's not crazy about having someone click their fingers right up in its face, she looks very disapproving, as though this baby didn't get the memo and is letting the side down by not liking the thing all babies.

I have known her since 1992, and I have seen her around her numerous grand children and great grandchildren, great-nephews and nieces etc, and I have never seen a baby enjoy her eye clicking routine.

Yet this has never yet stopped her....

Why can't your dad use a mobile anymore?
Has he forgotten how to use it?
A telephone is very basic and simple by comparison, and your dad's only lifeline.
Why doesn't he put his hearing aids in? Is it because his fingers don't work so well anymore trying to push fiddly buttons etc, or is it because he doesn't see anybody all day so doesn't bother?
Your dad sounds quite anxious, when you can't hear and you're on your own, you can get to feel very isolated.
Is your dad lonely? Is he calling hoping that you'll pick up the phone and talk to him?
Unfortunately when our world shrinks, we become self-centred, and worried that our needs might not be met, such as the weekly shop.
Sadly we're all going to get there someday, if we live that long.
It's going to be difficult most times OP, but try a bit of patience, treat your dad as you would hope to be treated someday.

Exactly. It's awful moaning about your parents. Be thankful you've still got them.

What a load of pious crap. Some of us didn’t get great parents, and have spent our entire lives looking after them and dealing with their issues. I was filling in forms and reading for my illiterate parents from the age of eight or so, and helping them to hide the fact that they could barely sign their names. I was so thoroughly parentified that when I experienced CSA I didn’t tell them because I knew they’d do nothing. Excuse me if I think that’s far from ideal.

Quite. Plenty of awful people are just as fertile as the lovely ones.

My Dad has been a raging alcoholic since I was about 10. Regular binges, several times a week, worse at weekends, where he would smash up the house and threaten violence. We were all terrified of him. For some reason Mum never left, and now she's dead.

So, me and my sister dutifully spin all the plates to keep him alive and comfortable. He lives in a beautiful retirement village. We have carers going in 4 times a day. We do his banking, his grocery shop, liaise with medics when needed, you name it, we do it.

He regularly gets banned from the bar for being abusive. Last time he was banned, was because he took his trousers off in front of everyone and pissed up the side of the ATM. This ban has just expired, so from this week he's allowed back in the bar. Not sure what the next episode will be. In the last 4 years he has been hospitalised 19 times, often due to excessive drinking. My sister who lives nearby has to drop everything to visit, take in clothes and snacks and liaise with doctors about his treatment plan etc. Her job is suffering.

Sometimes, I don't feel your enthusiasm about his longevity. And yes, that makes me feel like a bad person, but I can also see how after 56 years of this, things for me and my sister are wearing thin.

My parents were shit and neglectful. I attend to their needs in their 80s out of duty, nothing else. I am not remotely close to them and that is entirely their fault. I will help them but intend to moan about them till they die. You reap what you sow.

Tell my parents not to do something and they go and do it

Text me links to something they need on Amazon. I buy it, next minute they send something else instead (usually cheaper version of same) so I have to cancel the first item and buy again

Have to eat at 1pm everyday. Will turn down invitations if they may not be home by 1pm for lunch.

Absolutely loaded but won’t pay for help, put the heating on, buy luxury products.

I think in this situation he’s fortunate you and sister do anything for him. If your DSis is in the same village his drunken antics must be so embarrassing for her. I would call the pub and ask them to ban him for life stressing his behaviour won’t change at this stage and he’ll be pissing up the ATM half naked in no time. Hopefully they’ll accommodate and if your dad doesn’t like it, tough shit. Remember he needs you, he’ll not be annoyed for long.

Your dad is very lucky that you and your sister even give him the time of day, never mind all the stuff that you do to help him while he refuses to help himself.

If I was in your situation, I wouldn't do any of it. He made your childhood utterly miserable and terrifying and I wouldn't be able to get past it.

You are showing remarkable forbearance and restraint by not telling him a few home truths and continuing to help him.

Maybe read OP's post about her dad being a violent alcoholic and how she and her sister had an awful, scary childhood as a result before posting your sanctimonious clap-trap.

It's a bar inside the retirement village. Even so, yes she's very embarrassed. My Dad full on denied he'd done what he was accused of, so my sister had to meet with management who showed her the CCTV footage. My Dad also looked at the footage and then said "that's not me". 😐My sister called me as she drove home, and she was in tears, saying "why can't we just have a normal Dad?".

My late MIL would not accept she was wrong about anything. She and my DH were invited to her best friend’s 90th birthday meal. Except she was convinced it wasn’t a meal but a casual buffet affair and she could just arrive when it suited her. Nothing my DH could do to persuade her. By the time they arrived the main had been cleared away and everyone was waiting for dessert. Her friend was furious with her. She never apologised or admitted she was wrong.

Mine are both gone ( and no I'm not going to do the "well your lucky to still have them" thing)
My mum was a hoarder who liked to sew and knit but as she got older this was more difficult . So lots of half done clothes, knitting machines etc.
Her most annoying trait was taking things apart taking waistbands off but not repairing. And never throwing things out due to hoarder tendancy.
"What's this ?"
"Oh that's a pair of trousers I'm mending"

Worse, she took the waistbands off five pairs of brand new trousers to "fix": so that was five pairs ruined.(Couldn't be returned but could go to charity shop if new/tags)

My Dad's was " go and choose yourself some cold meat": ( I've been vegetarian for 46 years)
" What kind of cold meat do vegetarians eat then, oh Father of Mine?"
Honestly, I laugh when I think back but at the time you need the patience of a saint

I really notice the ‘digital divide’ between many people and their elderly (or not so elderly even) parents. My dad is 70 and thankfully has always kept up to date with changing tech so he banks online/can book flights/purchase stuff for himself, he’s never needed my assistance to access the world in this way. Mum is 75 (they’re separated years ago) and her good intent is there, she can Google something, read the news online (but god help us if an ad pops up, she panics and abandons ship) and use what’s app. But in our digital world I find myself having to carve time out every week to support her to transfer money over for someone’s birthday, pay a bill, buy something she can only get online. I don’t mind really but I see the ‘burden’ added when many of us had the internet in our lives starting from a young age but we’re also caring for parents - whether from a distance or living with them or very nearby.

Tell them either bar him for life or don’t call either of you when he does something despicable again. Their choice!

I think my mum is starting to go deaf, but she's too proud to admit it. So she does stuff like this, but REALLY LOUDLY. She has also taken to repeating every single instruction I give the children, REALLY LOUDLY.

"Darling, can you put your socks on please?"
"RIGHT, PUT YOUR SOCKS ON!"

"Can you put your coats on please?"
"OK, PUT YOUR COATS ON!"

"Bedtime's in 5 minutes!
"BEDTIME'S IN 5 MINUTES"

It is so peaceful when she leaves.😥

From your updates he sounds very difficult. I imagine he has some type of cognitive decline.
Is he able to get out and about. My none tech using mum shops at Iceland (10% off on a Tuesday for pensioners) they shop as normal and then tell them at till and they deliver it free.

Mine whilst speaking to the local GP to arrange a visit asked if he could pick up some Cheshire cheese on his way over.

Bemused GP arrived with said cheese to be told it was the wrong one and couldn’t possibly be stomached.

Told him to return it.

I was cringing when I heard about it later.

Mine live 200 miles away and I am incredibly glad they both use the internet. My main concern is that my dad will drive 300 miles quite happily but my mum lost all driving confidence in COVID. If she is eventually on her own she'll have to get over her Yorkshire and pay for taxis.

This is 100% something my Dad would do! 😆

I remember my Mum needing an emergency dental appointment. The dentist offered her a morning appointment, but she insisted she must be seen after 2pm, as she would be having a lie in that day 😆She was a fab Mum though, and not annoying at all.

I’m 77 next month. Now you’ve all got me worried that I’m driving my kids mad….