Advice on benefits

[messychaos]

Briefly

with BD 15 years, 4 kids

recently I filed for divorce and ended our joint claim of benefits
he works and I worked from being 16 up until the children’s needs ment I could no longer work.

he’s saying this is fraud as we live together and go on holidays still….

here is the tricky part .
We have 2 children with extreme medically complex needs so I can’t just leave as our home is fully adapted for them but it’s only his name on the mortgage so I’m kinda screwed with that but in the same breath we get no help or support it’s literally just us doing full time care so with the other 2 kids and sports/activities/appointments I don’t think we’d ever be able to live separately because we rely on each other so much to cover the slack if something is happening elsewhere with another child or we have to rush somewhere for an emergency theirs someone here at all times? But regardless of that we’ve agreed to make this situation work for everyone’s sake as it makes life so much more easier.

I claimed single because we now are separated, I wanted to take control of my own finances instead of him getting every penny to his bank and me still asking for petrol money or money for nursery etc.
so now I pay 50/50 for all household bills and I pay for everything the kids need like trips, toiletries, nursery and then fuel. Only fair.

im just really worried cos since I did this he’s saying I’m going to be in the paper for fraud…. I asked HMRC Before I did it what was I best to do and they talked me though how to do it (I’m rubbish with benefits and all that Iv never actually done it myself)

we sleep in separate rooms
we have separate lives totally
yes we do go on holiday, we went away at the beginning of the year with the kids but we stayed in separate hotels literally other side of the resort, we went on a trip the other month but we had 2 rooms booked so I stayed with my mum and 2 kids in 1 and he stayed with 2 kids in the other?
We go for memories with the kids all together as we don’t know how long we have with the oldest 2 but physically I’d not be able to do it alone as it’s a lot of lifting and their the same size as me now plus it’s just hard work in general theirs so much to going away not as simple as get a bag and go.
We actually get on okay now the stress has gone as a couple but I’m just worried because we do live together but we aren’t anymore ! I hate benefits I really bloody do but Iv got no choice and I feel I can’t win!

any advice I’d appreciate, just over thinking right now

You need to see a solicitor. He's threatening and frightening you and I suspect that his view of what you're entitled to is based upon what he would like to happen rather than the reality. If he carries on being abusive then contact the police or women's aid.

It's perfectly legal to live with another adult and claim benefits singly even if you used to be married.

If Hmrc investigated they'd want to see that you are divorcing, have separated your finances, no longer share a room or present to the world as a couple.

You need to keep a record of these kinds of conversations and threats OP - it’s abuse and could be useful if you need to apply to the courts for an occupation order at some point. It may be his home in name, but you’re married and you have rights. You also have disabled children to care for and it would be unreasonable to expect you to leave with them when you are the main carer.

DWP will continue to check periodically but there is no set timescale. It’s considered temporary but it very much depends on circumstances and OP’s are difficult with an abusive spouse and disabled children with high needs. All of that will be taken into account.

iv already singed it and sent it to him, he’s yet to complete it form his behalf

im actively on the housing register waiting for a house its simply a waiting game to find something suitable for the kids needs and they’ve said it’ll be a long time. Until then we are stuck because if I got an order to remove him he’d not be able to have the kids or help me then I’m fully at a loss as I rely on him a lot for lifting so really can’t win at the moment.

I don’t feel I’m doing anything wrong and DWP have said I’m not either it’s just him getting into my head saying I am but we’re not together. We don’t even speak and if it’s about the kids il text him 90% of the time, il speak when I ask if he can feed one of the kids why I sort another or carry one to bed why I do the other etc. that’s literally it x

He’s adamant that isn’t going to be the case but we didn’t sign a prenup or anything ! Iv loads recorded lately and pictures etc. I’m covering my own arse because it will get nasty, his mum eggs him on something stupid

Your ex sounds like a knob TBH. It seems he is trying to make things difficult for you.
You have sought advice and are not doing anything wrong.

TBH I find the thing about not eating together weird. I used to eat with my ex when separated because it made no sense not to!

To be honest we’re never in at the same times. So like tonight I fed the kids, he came back an then I left with one for dance class and he made his tea why I was out, I came back an got everyone set for bed then had my tea?

we have one night a week were we all sit because the kids like it and we discuss what’s going on at school etc but otherwise it’s chaos in the week with appointments, work, clubs. Everyone is passing ships some nights it’s hard work and military routine to make it work haha x

Well they can’t cook together/for each other otherwise they aren’t single/separated to eating together would be a pain in the ass.

You aren't a single person. You are one of a couple. You live in the same house. The DWP aren't interested if you share a bedroom or not. Lots of couple sleep separately. If you divorce you will be entitled to claim half the equity in the house regardless of whose name is on the deeds.

That makes not sense to me. Friends can eat together.
I lived with my ex and we ate together because it was silly not to.

But this is one of the indicators that you still live financially as a couple, the op is sensible to be cautious. Pooling food etc can be seen as being financially intertwined opposed to sharing the house but separate lives.

She has been told it is all fine anyway, by DWP staff.
I hope her mind is at rest.

Have you told housing that prior to separation he was financially abusive, that he continues to be emotionally abusive and regularly threatens to smash the house up, etc to ensure you have nothing, etc.? The DV you are experiencing should move you up the housing bands.

Could you have care act assessments and carers assessments on the kids for support so you are less reliant on him?

Here you go again Vivienne talking nonsense. UC have told her what she is doing is ok it’s only her abusive ex making her second guess herself.

he gets his food and I get mine and the kids we have fully seperate lives it’s just shit at the moment

So iv filed for divorcee now that still means I’m his wife/a couple with him ? I didn’t realise I’m forever his now because I’m stuck in a housing situation that doesn’t allow me to just leave

Hi. Thank you for ur advice

I have a DA/DV worker, still due to the needs Iv been told regardless it’s a wait because of the complexity of the situation. Everyone is fully aware it’s just a shit one and a waiting game at the moment.

as for carers. I didn’t go with it in the end as a lot of care in our area is poor, my mums a nurse and I don’t want just anyone with my kids and I want to know they have the best care so right now I’m happy just doing it as I know they deserve the best and il only ever give that- people may not agree but I don’t want random people around them. Their precious x

I can only imagine how shit it is for you. I wouldn’t trust him to do/say things so DWP withdraw your benefits so you back under his financial control. Keep records of everything!

I hope that by some miracle you get suitable accommodation soon.

But if you had a care needs assessment and social services agreed the children needed some care hours
Could you not receive the cost of those agreed hours to be paid to a careworker of your choice.
That's what my neighbour did.
I think the payments went through a third party and the careworker had to be agreed by social services but was chosen by the client.
Your mum might know somebody suitable ?

Benefits adviser here, specialising in UC policy.

Youre absolutely fine OP. You're a single person, and can make and maintain a single claim. You're living with your ex for what sounds like practical and financial reasons, which is fine. You don't have to leave to be "single enough" for UC. From your explanation in your original post, you are already single enough.

Don't listen to people who don't know what they're talking about. Certainly not your ex who probably doesn't want you to have your own money.

Your single claim is absolutely fine... However you may want to look more into what options you have for leaving just for your own well being, looking at everything else you said. But you don't have to worry about UC, your single claim is within the rules.

Best of luck to you.

Why would HMRC be involved?

Please ignore this. It is an outdated personal opinion. TBF the second part is correct.

DWP have all sorts of systems to decide on all sorts of less usual situations.
A woman in your situation filing for divorce and seeking and accepted onto the housing list, with disabled (and the other two) children, and a DA worker, will not be considered a couple in your circumstances.

You may however find yourself thoroughly scrutinized further down the line, while you wait for housing, so keep your paperwork up to date and in order.
It lowers the stress and shortens these things IF you're unluck and they do happen.

Things like going on holiday together, and shared household shopping, are used as a specific test where there is a lack of evidence. Your not in that position.

Your children are entitled to a needs assessment, and if they are considered in need of X hours care to be provided, you can go for Direct Payment instead.

Check local details, but generally: They must be properly employed, pensions, holidays insurance etc.
To prevent fraud most councils will insist they are employed through a third party (not for profit ) agency. Costs are removed from allocated care needs budget or must be topped up from DLA/parent.
( In our case the agency used, the charges where too high. But parents in neighboring borough had low costs.)
You can then interview and employ your own carer. It usually can't be a relative, no matter if their a qualified practitioner.

(you can however find another family with similar situation and needs, and employ each other's relatives 😊)

(Edited to say @Agix Agix posted while I was still writing this)

I's suggest ignoring your poll too. Lots of odd and kick you while your down people on MN these days.

There is a special term (I thibj it is seperared under same roof) for this and you are allowed to do it. It is not fraud.

cpag.org.uk/welfare-rights/key-topics/survivors-domestic-abuse/domestic-abuse-separated-living-same-property