What would you think of a father in this situation?

[Grteb]

Sees his 4 year old for circa 12 hours every 28 days and never overnight?

Would you think it was ok? Would you have respect for a person who saw their child so little?

On the face of it, it seems very little, but there’s no information about why, so I’d need to know the circumstances before judging.

Agree it depends on circumstances. Does the mother refuse access or make it difficult (e.g. moving away, refusing overnights, making up stories the child doesn't want to go).

Unless there are significant extenuating circumstances why this dad spends so little time with his four year old child, e..g. the dad is seriously ill in hospital, I would definitely judge him and think he was a crap and lazy father.

I think it depends on if he can’t see the child more (works away for weeks at a time/in the forces for example) or if he can see the child more but he chooses not to.

He sounds like a shit dad, but not necessarily the worst thing for the child. My dad saw me maybe once a month during the day with my mum supervising (literally until I was 18) and I never stayed overnight with him. He just had no idea how to be a parent and wasn’t that interested. It was a good thing for me that I saw him so little. But he was still a shit dad. And a deadbeat too, never paid any maintenance in all those years.

Doesn't sound like much, but like pp said, there's not enough info to judge.

Do they live 200+ miles away? Do they have their own car? Do they live in shared, or very small accommodation? Do they have a job that means they are contantly travelling away from home? Are they in the armed forces? Do they have a significant physical or mental disability? Has their relationship with the other parent broken down so badly that they hate the drama it causes for the kid everytime they show up? Do they keep in regular contact via phone/facetime when they can't be there in person?

Hmm my DDs dad didn't even set eyes on his eldest till she was 4 months old. I'm sure many on here would be writing him off for that

Unless you know people's situation it's best not to judge

I'd feel sorry for him rather than losing all respect, surely he doesn't want it to be like that. Maybe that's all he can manage.

Loser man. Dead beat dad.

Makes me cross - they shift their responsibilities onto the mother of their child, and - ultimately the tax payer in all the benefits paid to single parents.

Complete loser.

I would absolutely judge someone who only saw their kid once a month.

need the back story. Many reasons - illness, is an eskimo - how do we know?

Depends on the circumstances. DH saw his daughter a lot more often than that, but his ex made it extremely difficult, and her new husband, who once famously said “I’m her daddy now “ was downright aggressive. I admired DH for hanging on in there, and wouldn’t have blamed him for giving up.

Absolutely awful if that is his choice. It may be the mother is blocking access.

He chose a job four hours away on the basis that in the medical profession you have to ‘follow where the work is.’

So what's his excuse for only seeing his kid once a month?

Not the best, but if kept the date every month without fail, and paid his way, then not so bad. Depends on circumstances.

@tiramisugelato that’s his excuse

Pfft. That's not an excuse, that's being a shit parent.

Absolutely pathetic. That is unless the low amount of contact is not in his immediate control to fix (i.e. the mum moved away) AND he's doing everything in his power to fix it as soon as possible.

Is the child allowed to go and stay with him?

I feel the need to clarify here that there is no such thing as a single parent benefit. Single income households are of course more likely than dual income households to be more likely eligible to receive benefits. But single income households are still subject to means testing. Plenty of single parents are not eligible for benefits.

if his family was intact, he wouldn’t be able to just pick up and move to a job wherever he wants. Her career and the child’s needs would be a consideration. He very well might have to limit his job search. Separating shouldn’t change that if he is a good man.

(There will always be caveats for members of the military or who do real hands on relief work. This is why it’s always important to remember that families in a way serve too. )

My exH did the same took a job far away and dc do have a relationship with him but it’s superficial and they were older and more able keep in contact by phone etc.
i don’t think people realise how much not being around for the mundane small moments changes the relationship.
We wouldn’t expect a long distance romantic relationship to thrive on this schedule and few people would choose one. Why do people think children will maintain the same closeness with someone they see that occasionally and it also puts a lot of pressure on the day they do see him with the result dc often feel they have to be on best behaviour or even that will be withdrawn.
it damages their self esteem as it’s very obvious where they are on an absent parents priority list
My exH wouldn’t even use his annual leave to see dc once he got a new dp who wanted him to use time off for couple holidays
He’s just a very selfish man. But also his loss.

Not that this is a defence of deadbeat dads, but in fairness with the recruitment crisis as it is at the moment in medicine, masses of applicants for way fewer posts than normal, depending on his level of seniority/specialty/stage of training, there may be more of an element of needing to go where the work is in years gone by. It’s a nightmare out there…