AIBU that no, this isn’t “my” job re DCs and curfews?

[dangsilly]

I went out last night. As of when I was leaving, teen DCs plans had changed and they were staying at home. They are in the middle of GCSEs. Yesterday’s revision had been done so they were just going to chill.
I got home at 1:30am. DC was sat in the living room on their phone. Turns out plans changed again and they did go out. Got home just after 1am. DH had let them in then had gone to bed.
I was a bit miffed as I don’t think 1am is a sensible curfew right now. They’ll stay in bed till late today and will be tired. They’ve got exams this week so not a great start.

But now I’m REALLY miffed after speaking to DH.
“What time did DC come home?”
”dunno, just after 1?”
”what time were they supposed to be home?
”dunno”
”what time did you tell them to be home”
”I dunno. I thought you sorted that out?”
”but I wasn’t here! Plus you know recently “we’ve” ( ho!) been saying midnight?”
”I don’t know. You sort that sort of stuff out”

I mean, WTF? I’ve just said that I am really pissed off because I think it’s very reasonable for a grown arsed man with with kids to be able to make decisions about said kids when I’m not here. DC is 16, if they’re not given a curfew they’re genetically programmed to take the piss.

AIBU to be annoyed with DH? (And DC to a degree?)

Thanks for letting me have a little rant on a Sunday morning 😊

I have a 16 yr old doing GCSEs

where the hell does a 16 yr old go out until 1am?

I’ve just said that I am really pissed off because I think it’s very reasonable for a grown arsed man with with kids to be able to make decisions about said kids when I’m not here

You are, of course, absolutely right and I don’t understand why he isn’t embarrassed to be so disinterested in his child.

As for staying in bed late. Get them up and breakfasted around 11

I think these things can just get lost in communication chaos of busy lives and not a hill to die on but agree 1am too late

Jesus were you never 16?

YANBU, I would be cross.

He was at a friend’s house, not shooting up under a railway bridge…!

Do you know that for certain? Because in the town where I live 16 year olds are out mugging people, vandalising cars and generally being PITAs. No doubt when the police take them home their parents say ‘I thought he was round his mate’s revising’.

you will probably come here and deny your kid would ever do anything like that because they were brought up properly. Along with all the other parents.

And yes, I do live in a town with issues, along with every other town in the UK. And if people want to come on here and say ‘my town isn’t like that’ have the courage of your convictions and name it!

I do know for certain that was where he was. There was a party, I was shown photos.

im in no doubt that there are many 16yo’s who cause trouble. There are also many more 16yo’s who don’t.

Yes you DH should be able to think for himself. But I personally wouldn’t be bothered at a 16 year old coming in a 1am. You said he had done his revision. He’ll have plenty of time today to do more even if he gets up late.
@Tinglylipsa friends house?

OP, I suspect he issue here is that you usually take charge of this and it's just that you were out which meant DH didn't take charge. DH isn't used to it, nor expected (by you) to do this parenting. If you just don't do it anymore, he'll have to step up. But it is hard to remember if you're not usually at all involved.

🙄 I can think of a few places my 15 year old could reasonably be at 1am. (Friends houses, skate park, beach etc) not right now during exams though.

I went to our local nightclub on a Saturday night, probably during my GCSEs, can’t remember but did very well, couldn’t drink much at that age so never had a hangover, very jealous of younger me!

A minority of 16 year olds are acting like that. You just don't hear about the ones going about their normal lives being polite and respectful young people. I doubt the ones you're referring to have mums worried about their sleep routine being impacted when they have GCSE exams.

My 16yo would be able to stay up as late as they wanted on a Saturday night.
It’s important that they have fun and give their brains a break.

But no way I’d let my child out until 1am.

If there was a legit party then I’d give a curfew and pick them up at a certain time.

How did he get home?

It sounds like DH couldn’t give a shit.

A 16yo needs a curfew, not only because they’re a child who needs rules and to help keep them out of trouble but also so you know that they’re not in danger.

I would be losing my mind if it got to 1am and my 16yo was still out. I’d be seriously concerned for their safety.

I would be really annoyed with my DH that he felt the safety of his child wasn’t his responsibility.

At 16 they will take the piss as much as they can. This isn’t fair on you and DH should have been able to manage it for one night. When they make their way downstairs today I’d have a conversation with both them & DH along the lines of:

your usual curfew is midnight. As dad isn’t able to remember this or enforce it, and you are seemingly unable to remember this either, going forward if I’m away from home your new curfew will be 11pm. I don’t need the worry of where you are and if you’re okay while I’m out myself, and I need to know you’re home safe at a reasonable time.

I don't see the issue in a 16 year old that's on top of their revision staying out a bit late on a Saturday night. Chances her they weren't getting up super early to do more revision on Sunday anyway.

If you know you have a 16 year old that "takes the piss* I'm not sure why you don't have "standard" curfews in your house anyway? Avoids the need for them to be argued on a case by case basis.

I’ve told DH and DC that I’m mad with both of them.
DC walked home last night. I don’t know why, he’s got Uber. DH didn’t know how he was getting home. I’m really really cross about that.

DH has promised that he’ll be more “on it” with this in future. He’s a lovely man and great dad so I do believe he’ll try.

I think (and this is not excusing DH at all) that because I’m usually so on top of where DC is when he goes out by checking “Find My”, what time and how he’s getting back, DH never normally has to think about it. So he didn’t. But hopefully now he will.

And to those few posters who have questioned the late night activities of 16yo’s, there are loads and loads of lovely teens who just hang out with their friends, chat, listen to or make music. They look out for each other. The teens I know are overwhelmingly brilliant kids.

So because your husband didnt do it your way he is now in trouble like a child?

If this was reversed it would be called controlling

No it wouldn't. Expecting the parent in charge to know where their child is and what time they will be home is not controlling, it's responsible parenting.

It’s a fine line, isn’t it?
But I don’t think he didn’t do it “my way”. He didn’t really do it at all.
And the problem was when I asked him about why DC had come come home so late, his response was “I thought you had sorted it out/ agreed curfew” etc. Not “I said he could come home at 1am and that it was ok for him to walk home”. See the difference?

I’d be livid with the child and the DH.

Each to their own but I wouldn’t allow my 15 year old out at the beach or skate park at 1am. And then he/she walks home?

This issue aside - other marital issues, yes?

He’s literally right in the middle of his GCSEs and one of his peers is having a party until the early hours and then he walked home?

Different world I have to say!

did you get him up and breakfasted by 11 like I suggested so he could hit the books by lunch?