AIBU that no, this isn’t “my” job re DCs and curfews?

[dangsilly]

I went out last night. As of when I was leaving, teen DCs plans had changed and they were staying at home. They are in the middle of GCSEs. Yesterday’s revision had been done so they were just going to chill.
I got home at 1:30am. DC was sat in the living room on their phone. Turns out plans changed again and they did go out. Got home just after 1am. DH had let them in then had gone to bed.
I was a bit miffed as I don’t think 1am is a sensible curfew right now. They’ll stay in bed till late today and will be tired. They’ve got exams this week so not a great start.

But now I’m REALLY miffed after speaking to DH.
“What time did DC come home?”
”dunno, just after 1?”
”what time were they supposed to be home?
”dunno”
”what time did you tell them to be home”
”I dunno. I thought you sorted that out?”
”but I wasn’t here! Plus you know recently “we’ve” ( ho!) been saying midnight?”
”I don’t know. You sort that sort of stuff out”

I mean, WTF? I’ve just said that I am really pissed off because I think it’s very reasonable for a grown arsed man with with kids to be able to make decisions about said kids when I’m not here. DC is 16, if they’re not given a curfew they’re genetically programmed to take the piss.

AIBU to be annoyed with DH? (And DC to a degree?)

Thanks for letting me have a little rant on a Sunday morning 😊

You’re coming across as very judgy, do you realise?
By “party” I mean gathering of hys friendship group at his friends house, not some wild rave. Im definitely not happy about him walking home, though.

He was up and revising by 11:30.

Out until gone 1am, right in the middle of his GCSEs? Surprised he wanted to tbh. Mine is pinning everything on the weekend after he’s finished and then he plans to let loose!

I take it your husband isn’t really fussed about how his son does on his GCSEs

Or realises that one evening off is likely to make little difference either way perhaps? Especially if we're talking about the difference bw 12and 1am.

This husband didn’t even know what time his son had returned and didn’t give a toss he walked back.

So I’m guessing he’s not fussed about GCSEs

That’s quite a leap you’re making there. I’m pissed off with DH and DC, but if DH wasn’t fussed about DCs GCSEs then I think it would be quite a different OP from me!

Well yes, I’d like to have a child like that, but I don’t. I’m just grateful that my DC is revising everyday, it’s not the case for all the teens I know.

Parties? Hanging out with friends at their houses? Do you not remember being 16?!

I don’t think your DH did anything wrong they’ve revised all week and deserve some downtime
there is a point where revision gets to saturation point and it counter productive the info doesn’t go in
a 16 year old going to bed at 2 in the morning should be more than capable of getting up at 11
we never felt the need for a curfew with ours we trusted them
DS came home at a reasonable time time under his own steam

It does sound late but honestly, the difference between midnight and 1am is negligible. An hour won’t make any difference at all in the grand scheme of things.

The issue is that your DH isn’t on top of things if you go out - he should automatically be stepping up. I mean, ideally, he’d be stepping up even if you were there but we all tend to adopt certain jobs in the house don’t we? I’m going to assume he doesn’t leave the entire mental load of everything to you?

YANBU - DH knew you were out so at the very least should have texted you to say "hey, Jake has gone out, did you agree a time with him or shall I text him direct?" or similar

She was on a night out! She shouldn’t be bothered with messages like this.

I agree, which is why I used the phrase “at
the very least”

I'd be annoyed in this particular case because it sounds like you and DH discussed and agreed on midnight and now DH is acting like he doesn't even remember the conversation occurring - and isn't worried that he doesn't. This opens up the possibility that he frequently is tuned out when I THINK we are communicating and making a decision together. I'd be worried now about what else he's "yes dearing" me about, and why he doesn't at least have the honesty or nerve to just say "I don't care, you decide".

Omg…I could guarantee that none of my kids ever did anything like that. How rude🤷‍♀️

Ok I’ll bite . We live in Tunbridge Wells. Teen crime rate is negligible.
https://www.kpho.org.uk/__data/assets/pdf_file/0015/56310/Young-Offenders-JSNA-Chapter-Summary-Update-2015.pdf?utm_source=chatgpt.com

Did you and DH discuss and agree to the midnight curfew or is this just what you’ve been doing and expect DH to follow your lead without talking about it?

if you’ve talked about it and agreed, or if he has actually just ducked out, doesn’t really want then setting their own curfew or walking home, etc., then I think your frustration with him is reasonable. But there are many schools of thought on what’s okay for 16 year olds. So if DH isn’t in agreement with you and thinks a laissez faire approach is more appropriate for youth who will be completely responsible for themselves in less than 24 months, then you’re not.

I voted YABU only because DH did make a parenting decision to allow them out to 1am and waited up for them.

You were out, he didnt bother you, he didnt go to bed and let them get on with it.

Honestly im with you, I even think midnight is wild at 15/16 id think 11pm was generous. But if I wasnt there and dad facilitated it and a waited up id let it go.

His comment about you sorting it would irritate me. But id be ok if he was up letting them in.

Tbf its not a massive difference

The very fact that we have had at least one child for 18 years and I am STILL today, this day, parenting the co-parent in how to effing parent, will be one of the main cited reasons when I leave in a couple of years🤞🏼. It’s infuriating.