To have a day on my own childfree

[miamiamia869]

I would like a day on my own child free for a shopping trip but guilt is telling me I shouldn't.

Me and my husband have a very good, happy relationship and both do alot for eachother. We have an 18 month toddler. We have our own roles but always help eachother when we can and if the other is not feeling up to it ect. He works 5-6 days a week i work 2 so all the hourse chores is my role which i do with baby alongside of course. He always helps with washing up and will cook if im having a bad day. I have our toddler while he working. He is with me 24/7 unless I am at work. I do struggle with the lack of freedom that comes with being a mum. He has ALOT of tantrums and can be difficult at times. My husband has a job where he is a free to pop off and drive around do any errands he has ect pop and see people and finishes quite early some days so he has some time to do some bits after work, and that sort of freedom aside from that he spends all his time with myself and the baby. He has been working on the garden after work and weekends lately so I have been long days 7 days a week alone with baby.

I am craving a day just to go shopping where I csn concentrate and look without being screamed at or having to call it quits cause the tantrums are so bad and it's just stressing us both out so im going to have a day a shopping alone have a coffee and just a day for me. Hubby is obviously fine with this and he has his hobby that he does that takes him away overnight and he's back the next day. He also doesn't get to do this much as he works so much and any free time tends to be jobs at home or days out with us.

I basicly feel so desperate for a day alone but also guilty leaving him with the baby when he works way more than me and also doesn't really have chance for his hobby.

Just wanted some opinions on am I being unreasonable for wanting this.? I am someone who struggles with over stimulation and have always loved being alone and having time with myself. I have a very hectic public serving job. He always free to go do his hobby I would never stop him unless it came first above the baby and vice versa. I just feel guilty about and he does tend to mention it alot like "mummy wants a day on her not parenting" which i think can be a dig.

In the nicest way I didn’t need to read your explanation why, of course you can have this and it’s perfectly normal to want and need it

Have you not had a day on your own in 18 months?

Of course you are entitled to time to yourself, you should not feel guilty and your husband should not be making any digs. Everyone needs space and time to themselves and it's not anything to be ashamed of!

Is this really your life, @miamiamia869?

It sounds like prison.

With a prison officer making nasty digs every time you even try to look out of the windows of your cell …

Tempted to vote YABU just because you're asking and doubting in the first place!
Go, it's essential for your wellbeing to get some time to yourself.
You said DH is fine with it too.
They'll be fine.

I just feel guilty about and he does tend to mention it alot like "mummy wants a day on her not parenting" which i think can be a dig

Sorry, just seen this bit at the end - crappy thing to say, ignore him.
Nothing wrong with wanting/needing a few hours to yourself, don't take any notice.

To be clear - a decent partner would be ensuring you have some time to yourself every day, and a more significant amount of time at least once a week. And weekends or short breaks when possible.

Your life sounds claustrophobic and miserable to me.

Of course you should have time alone, you should also have time alone as a couple with your dh if you have the option of babysitters. You're a parent, but you're still an individual who needs to do things that you enjoy for yourself.

He shouldn't say that.

Do it, and don't feel guilty for a second.
Honestly, I wish I'd done more of this when my daughter was that age. The toddler stage can be wonderful, but it can also be relentless. Being on duty 24/7, dealing with tantrums, noise, interruptions and never really switching off is exhausting, especially if you're someone who needs time alone to recharge (much like myself).
A day to yourself isn't avoiding parenting, it's looking after yourself. You'll probably come back feeling refreshed, calmer and more able to cope with all the demands that come with having a toddler and we all know how brutal toddlers can be. It was by far for me the most difficult stage. My daughter had terrible tantrums at that age, some days were just about getting through the day for me.

Also, your husband is her parent too. Looking after his own child for a day isn't doing you a favour, it's parenting. There shouldn't be any guilt attached to you having a day for yourself. Wanting a few hours or a day to recharge is completely normal and doesn't mean you don't love being a mum. Book the shopping trip, enjoy and don't forget a minute feel guilty!

If a day is too difficult to negotiate guilt free, say you need to buy new coat / shoes / jeans and say you're popping out for a couple of hours. A few weeks after that push the time to three hours. And repeat +1hour each time.

This isn't about want it's about need. You need some time for you. I was in exactly the same position my husband fine with it but somehow I felt wrong? Or guilty somehow?
Then I had a big mental health spiel and now I have to find time for myself. Even if it's an extended lunch where I drive for a drive through coffee and read my book for half an hour it's essential.
The pleasure I get from slipping out of the house just to run to the supermarket without having my almost four year old with me. Just the quiet in the car!
You need to find more time for you otherwise you won't manage x

At the same age, I booked my son in for extra daycare to get a 1 morning a week to myself for my own sanity. Do it and dont allow "D" H to make you feel guilty.
In fact, it needs to be more normal for you to get time alone/away from parenting so find a hobby/group/class or meet with friends socially once or twice a week. This is normal and needed!

Why is this such a big deal??

I regularly book a days annual leave while LO is in nursery to have a day of doing eff all. Have the day off!

I said you’re being unreasonable because I don’t understand why you’re even asking. Book a day away and enjoy it. And get yourself back to FT work and arrange more equitable childcare.

It’s totally reasonable to have a day to yourself at the weekend or book a days annual leave when your child is on childcare. And sometimes your dh should do same everyone needs down time.

I remember feeling this guilt when my eldest was little too, like I should never leave him. Now I honestly don't know why! It's perfectly fine, and your husband can look after his own child for a day while you go shopping.

Why would you feel guilty about him parenting his own child for a day? Does he feel guilty when you are on your own with him all day? I doubt it.

You might want a day on your own, but you haven’t flipping had one…
If you’re gonna suffer the digs (which are definitely crappy) you might as well get the benefit of the day / few hours doing what you want!

Of course you should have time for you.

Of course you should do this. No need to feel guilty or justify it.

And you need to start now, @miamiamia869 - before your husband becomes even more entrenched in his idea of you as simply a useful household appliance.

Are you serious ? You need this. And you need it more often than once every 18months !
when my second was 18m I had both boys in nursery for an extra morning when I didn’t have to work. That morning every week was for ME. not catching up on work or housework etc for sipping hot tea, enjoying the silence, going for walks, hairdressers etc. I found it really helped me be the patient gentle mother I wanted to be the rest of the time. Prior to me making that arrangement every minute I wasn’t at work I was with the children solo parenting, which is too much without a decent break. It saved my sanity.

Thanks for all your replies I won't tag each person for reply but to answer a few things.

No this isn't my first day alone I have had 1 gym swim sauna day, food shopping a hand full of times, the odd dog walk here and there . My husband and I have had 1 spa day together, a show, a couple cinema and meal dates but basicly all of our time is spent as a family. We dont have alot of money so days out tend to be spent on family friendly days first rather then us adults.

Yeah I feel like me memtle health is suffering having no alone time and I am becoming snappy and finding alot of things intolerable.

My husband does bath time most nights but I usually just spend this time tidying around after the day but im going to start spending it doing some pilates or something for myself.

I will book the trip shopping alone and enjoy it. I think I was bought up kind of old fashioned so have them sort of morals which I think is where the guilt comes from. I often think women in the olden days done this with grace. People now days have loads more children work more than me so have less time for chores and life in general and why am I craving being alone so much when I work just 2 days and only have 1 child. I feel I have I easy compared to some and feel this guilt around it when I am not doing it all and finding difficult. Its something I need to work on letting go I guess. Thank you all though for reassuring me.

It sounds like you do a lot more solo parenting than he does! Of course you shouldn't feel guilty about having a day to yourself. It won't kill him to look after his own child for one day!

It also sounds like he's trying to make you feel guilty - I'd come down on this like a ton of bricks! Point out to him how much time you have to yourself compared to him - and make sure you even up the balance in future!

No need for all the navel-gazing.

It's a day out shopping, it's really not that deep.

Did you honestly think we're all going going to say you're selfish and must remain welded to your child?

I wouldn’t give it a second thought. My dd is a teen now but when you get I got lots of free time as did he.

I think is was brought up kind of old fashioned …

Nope … I’m in my sixties. My parents had two children. Both worked full time. My mother was perfectly free to come and go as she pleased; days out with friends, week long professional courses or conferences, whatever. My father actively encourage her to live her best life outside home as much as inside. And he was a delight as a father. So many weekends he took us out all day as children; it was only when I was older that I realised it was just as much to give my mother a break as to entertain us. We have the fondest memories of him looking after us alone when my mother was away.

There’s nothing ‘old fashioned’ about your current domestic model. Food shopping a handful of times … 🧐