Apologies, this os long but don't want to miss relevant context or to drip feed.
I'll start with that my sex drive has decreased significantly over the last year or two. I think I may be perimenopausal and I went for blood tests back in Nov '25 which came back 'normal'. But I've been referred for bloods again after still having the same symptoms and recently discovering the first lot of bloods requested in Nov weren't testing for menopause but for fertility issues if I was trying for a baby.
Carrying the mental load ALL THE TIME, many hours in a physically demanding self employed job, neurodiverse child whereby I'm the only parent who has fought for years for SEND support and I'm still the only one fighting for it now, various physical illnesses including painful osteoarthritis and mental illness (A&D medicated), and my husband throwing himself into two very time consuming hobbies meaning I carry even more of household chores and parenting have also contributed to this lack of a sex drive. I'm mentally and physically exhausted.
Then, back in Feb I discovered my DM had been diagnosed with the return of cancer for the third time in a year.
It started in one place where it was surgically removed, but it metastasised. More surgery took place Dec '25 and in Jan '26 she got the all clear. But 2 wks later a scan revealed it had returned. It was deemed aggressive and incurable. Treatment would only extend life.
To cut a long story short, it was far tok aggressive treatment did nothing. She began to experience terrible symptoms and was struggling to look after herself as she lived alone.
On my side, I have a small family - just my mum, me and a couple of siblings remain. I'm the eldest sibling by quite a large age gap.
I also live several hours drive away from them all.
I will also say, my relationship with my DM over the years hasn't been great. There has been an element of physical and emotional abuse that I left home at a young age to escape from. However, she was still my mother and I loved her. Our relationship got better over time. Not perfect, but better.
The other two younger siblings didnt appear to understand the severity of the cancer situation, assuming a much longer life span than was realistic. So I started making the long drives and paying regular visits every weekend, cancelling some of my work and staying with DM for several days at a time.
Around mid April, after arriving back home for a few days to work and see DC and DH I got word from youngest sibling that DM wasnt getting out of bed, feeling really ill, wasn't getting dressed or washing. So I cancelled all my work, packed a large suitcase and essentially moved in with her for however long was needed. I expected to make short visits home, but basically put life on hold to be there for DM.
I had to fight at every turn for help, I even had to fight to get her into a hospice when her symptoms weren't being managed properly by palliative care.
In the hospice she suffered terribly. I won't go into too many details as this post is long enough, but there's now an investigation into her care.
It's left me with a traumatic grieving process that I wasn't prepared for. I've tried to contain it so it doesn't affect my DH or DC as I know it would be difficult for them to watch me crying all the time. I really try to keep my crying to alone time and try to act as normal as I possibly can.
I've also been responsible for everything post her death. The clearing out of her home and all the admin. The two siblings helped where they could, but ultimately it all fell on my shoulders. A month after her death there are still things I'm having to deal with.
I've only just gone back to work this week as a result. I've really found it very hard from day to day to get over. Watching someone die in the way she did will never leave me.
Last week my DH decided it was the ideal time to have another gripe about the lack of sex he's getting out of me. I was busy dealing with more of mums death admin when he called to say he'd finished work early, was on his way home so we could have sex as DC was at a friend's. I said no, sorry, I was still busy with everything. He moaned how I was wasting an opportunity, and that over the last couple of weeks of being off work I had wasted lots of other opportunities to have sex with him. I explained that I needed to deal with all this now before I went back to work because I was feeling mentally quite fragile and wanted to make sure I didnt feel overwhelmed and end up having some sort of breakdown. He laughed. I asked why he was laughing at me and he said "well it might be nice if you had a breakdown, I might get laid more!" and roared with laughter again.
This isn't the first time he's made jokey digs like this, but this really hurt. I'm grieving and he chooses this time to try to pressure me into sex and then make nasty jokes about my mental health. I hung up on him and we've barely spoken since. Its exacerbated my grief and I feel on the brink tbh.
Today we argued further about it because he says my lack of sex drive has been going on for ages now and I should prioritise getting that sorted, even during this time of my mother's death and my grieving process, over anything else.
The arguing got so intense the teen DC heard and ended up crying. We never argue in front of DC but I could not stop my anger. I felt bad for the DC and have now locked myself away upstairs to stop myself from arguing with DH and upsetting DC further. I've done nothing but cry up here. I feel hopeless and like I j
can't go on.
I've called the mental health crisis helpline in my area and I''m awaiting a call back to discuss the best way forward in terms of my mental health because I know I have to stick around for my DC.
But I'm now sat wondering where my marriage goes from here? Because to add to my grief I can't get past my DH saying these things and pulling a stunt like this now.
Should I be prioritising trying to get my sex drive back over all this? AIBU for not doing that and prioritising dealing with my DMs death, grieving, the investigation and trying to get myself back to work (because we need the money after several weeks of me barely earning anything!).