AIBU not prioritising getting my lack of sex drive sorted while I'm grieving?

[ImNotStrongAnymore]

Apologies, this os long but don't want to miss relevant context or to drip feed.

I'll start with that my sex drive has decreased significantly over the last year or two. I think I may be perimenopausal and I went for blood tests back in Nov '25 which came back 'normal'. But I've been referred for bloods again after still having the same symptoms and recently discovering the first lot of bloods requested in Nov weren't testing for menopause but for fertility issues if I was trying for a baby.

Carrying the mental load ALL THE TIME, many hours in a physically demanding self employed job, neurodiverse child whereby I'm the only parent who has fought for years for SEND support and I'm still the only one fighting for it now, various physical illnesses including painful osteoarthritis and mental illness (A&D medicated), and my husband throwing himself into two very time consuming hobbies meaning I carry even more of household chores and parenting have also contributed to this lack of a sex drive. I'm mentally and physically exhausted.

Then, back in Feb I discovered my DM had been diagnosed with the return of cancer for the third time in a year.

It started in one place where it was surgically removed, but it metastasised. More surgery took place Dec '25 and in Jan '26 she got the all clear. But 2 wks later a scan revealed it had returned. It was deemed aggressive and incurable. Treatment would only extend life.

To cut a long story short, it was far tok aggressive treatment did nothing. She began to experience terrible symptoms and was struggling to look after herself as she lived alone.

On my side, I have a small family - just my mum, me and a couple of siblings remain. I'm the eldest sibling by quite a large age gap.

I also live several hours drive away from them all.

I will also say, my relationship with my DM over the years hasn't been great. There has been an element of physical and emotional abuse that I left home at a young age to escape from. However, she was still my mother and I loved her. Our relationship got better over time. Not perfect, but better.

The other two younger siblings didnt appear to understand the severity of the cancer situation, assuming a much longer life span than was realistic. So I started making the long drives and paying regular visits every weekend, cancelling some of my work and staying with DM for several days at a time.

Around mid April, after arriving back home for a few days to work and see DC and DH I got word from youngest sibling that DM wasnt getting out of bed, feeling really ill, wasn't getting dressed or washing. So I cancelled all my work, packed a large suitcase and essentially moved in with her for however long was needed. I expected to make short visits home, but basically put life on hold to be there for DM.

I had to fight at every turn for help, I even had to fight to get her into a hospice when her symptoms weren't being managed properly by palliative care.

In the hospice she suffered terribly. I won't go into too many details as this post is long enough, but there's now an investigation into her care.

It's left me with a traumatic grieving process that I wasn't prepared for. I've tried to contain it so it doesn't affect my DH or DC as I know it would be difficult for them to watch me crying all the time. I really try to keep my crying to alone time and try to act as normal as I possibly can.

I've also been responsible for everything post her death. The clearing out of her home and all the admin. The two siblings helped where they could, but ultimately it all fell on my shoulders. A month after her death there are still things I'm having to deal with.

I've only just gone back to work this week as a result. I've really found it very hard from day to day to get over. Watching someone die in the way she did will never leave me.

Last week my DH decided it was the ideal time to have another gripe about the lack of sex he's getting out of me. I was busy dealing with more of mums death admin when he called to say he'd finished work early, was on his way home so we could have sex as DC was at a friend's. I said no, sorry, I was still busy with everything. He moaned how I was wasting an opportunity, and that over the last couple of weeks of being off work I had wasted lots of other opportunities to have sex with him. I explained that I needed to deal with all this now before I went back to work because I was feeling mentally quite fragile and wanted to make sure I didnt feel overwhelmed and end up having some sort of breakdown. He laughed. I asked why he was laughing at me and he said "well it might be nice if you had a breakdown, I might get laid more!" and roared with laughter again.

This isn't the first time he's made jokey digs like this, but this really hurt. I'm grieving and he chooses this time to try to pressure me into sex and then make nasty jokes about my mental health. I hung up on him and we've barely spoken since. Its exacerbated my grief and I feel on the brink tbh.

Today we argued further about it because he says my lack of sex drive has been going on for ages now and I should prioritise getting that sorted, even during this time of my mother's death and my grieving process, over anything else.

The arguing got so intense the teen DC heard and ended up crying. We never argue in front of DC but I could not stop my anger. I felt bad for the DC and have now locked myself away upstairs to stop myself from arguing with DH and upsetting DC further. I've done nothing but cry up here. I feel hopeless and like I j
can't go on.

I've called the mental health crisis helpline in my area and I''m awaiting a call back to discuss the best way forward in terms of my mental health because I know I have to stick around for my DC.

But I'm now sat wondering where my marriage goes from here? Because to add to my grief I can't get past my DH saying these things and pulling a stunt like this now.

Should I be prioritising trying to get my sex drive back over all this? AIBU for not doing that and prioritising dealing with my DMs death, grieving, the investigation and trying to get myself back to work (because we need the money after several weeks of me barely earning anything!).

in an nutshell YANBU

your husbands comments are hurtful and insensitive and he clearly struggles communicating with you about your relationship.

From your post there is a pattern of you taking control and responsibility for everything and then crumbling under the burden- the answer to others not pulling their weight is not for you to pick it up as it then just becomes a learnt behaviour and expectation.

you need to stop hiding your struggles so much and make others step up- you can’t do it all on your own or this resentment will destroy your relationships.

Give over.

I think if your libido does return, I'd use it to sleep with someone else.
I'm not sure you should ever sleep with him again, because he doesn't like you and he's not worth your time or energy.
There is a reason why middle aged women stay single after a divorce

But cf your post of 23:09 you DO just not want to have sex with him (or any man) and that is totally valid. It's not a "lack of sex drive" to not want your body used in that way. Any kind of manipulation to coerce you into reluctant participation is sexual abuse, and this is what he is doing. Sex without consent is rape and consent that is not wholehearted and freely and joyfully given without coersion is not consent. You have every right to say no. Up until 1991 in the UK marital rape was not a crime as the marriage contract was deemed to be an absolute consent, but for a whole 35 years in the UK married women do have the right to say no and if he doesn't respect that he is a rapist.

Take your power back and stop engaging in the arguments. You don't need to explain yourself to him or try to make him understand and don't apologise anymore if you don't want to have sex.

God you couldn’t be less unreasonable, your husband on the other hand …he is so unreasonable, what an utter asshole. Take care lovely, grief is so difficult.

HRT including a bit od testosterone may increase your libido.

But I doubt it wll make you want to have sex with your useless dickhead of a husband. It isn't magic.

Why would you want to have sex with someone so unsupportive and lacking in empathy? I lost both my parents in a six month period and my bloke never even mentioned sex for months. You need time to process and come to terms with your loss and it’s entirely understandable that sex is bottom of your priority list. I’m so sorry your bloke’s being such an insensitive arse.

I’m sorry for your loss and for what sounds like a lack of support from your ‘D’H.

Of course you don’t want to have sex with such a horrible man. No one sane would. Nothing to do with your sex drive and everything to do with the fact that he’s awful.

so what if you leave and never want a man again? Having done both, for me being single is a billion times better. And it’s certainly better than being in a relationship with a cunt.

Do you actually want to stay married to this vile man? He sounds awful 😩

So your husband ‘put up with all of that’.

Give the man a medal for doing the bare minimum

Fortunately some of us are married to better men than this. And work for empathetic employers who tell us to take as much time as we need in a family emergency.

Your husband is being an absolute twat. He's not supporting you at ALL and then expecting from you. I'd be reconsidering spending the rest of my life with someone that selfish.

The way he’s behaving it’s no surprise you don’t want to have sex with him. I’d be completely and utterly repulsed by his behaviour if I were you, and not inclined to have sex with him at all. He is horrible.

OP

To put it very mildly, this is not a healthy relationship to allow you to grieve and heal.

He doesn't allow you to give genuine, informed consent which is is rape. His behaviour is utterly disgusting and even without the rest of the bereavement his sex-pest behaviour would switch off any woman's sex drive.

When you are ready, if HRT would help your general mood, go for that. It's not a magic sticking plaster to overcome repulsion to foul men though.

Also when you are ready, this "relationship" needs to end, but that's another messy can of worms to deal with, but ultimately being able to prioritise your own needs will help long term.

In the shorter term, therapy to help with the grief process and also understanding your relationships may help

Let's be honest, if @ImNotStrongAnymore went on HRT and had an incredible resurgence of libido she would be unlikely to want to have sex with a manipulative selfish man child.

I'm sorry for your loss, @ImNotStrongAnymore . Do seek specific help for trauma. Crisis might help.

You don't have a mental health problem. You have a dreadful husband and a life problem.

Sorry to hear about your mum, that sounds really hard. 💐

Small family - her, me and two younger siblings. Both siblings could not handle looking after her. My mother was in pain, suffering, unable to look after herself and gradually dying. She lost her sight in one eye, her ability to move or speak, became incontinent and incredibly brain damaged (brain tumour), dribbling like a baby. She even lost the ability to even cry properly and tears would silentlynl roll down her face. So YES I dropped everything to care for her, to fight to get her into the local hospice and to be there holding her hand when she died. She was utterly terrified.

DH and I have one DC. All he had to do was school runs, feed DC and wash DCs clothes. And on multiple occasions he had his relatives help. In between that I was still dealing with all of DCs school and SEND stuff from where I was. He also frequently left DC alone so he could enjoy his hobby and be qith his mates. Often not coming back until late at night. So I had to still be constantly 'on' ringing, face timing and texting DC to ensure they were ok.

If your DH refused to allow you to support and stay with a dying suffering parent for a very temporary amount of time until they died, I'd consider that disgustingly selfish.

Its also not supportive if its constantly littered with pressure for sex and getting stroppy when the dying parent is getting more attention than his dick.

He wasn't upset about me not working.
He wasn't upset about me not being there.
He wasn't upset at having to be the temporary default parent.
I wasn't upset I was looking after my dying parent.
He wasn't upset about not getting to spend time with me on my visits home, because he chose his hobby and friends above that.
He has only ever been upset about the lack of sex he has been getting out of me when he clicked his fingers.

Also, as already said, I'm self employed, I'm my own boss. I can take all the time off I like. In nearly a decade of running ny business I have never had that amount of time off, ever. My clients were extremely sympathetic and encouraged me to be with her because my siblings were scared, unprepared, unrealistic and weren't able to be the constant presence she needed. I have been very lucky to have them all wait for me to come back. With some even asking if I was coming back too soon and to not rush it.

I do not regret doing what I did. Nobody deserves to die the way she did. Had I not been there and dedicated that time to her dying, she'd have suffered even more and died all alone.

Allowing soenone to do that for a parent is the VERY LEAST a spouse should offer their partner.

If a man spoke to me like that under these circumstances I would not be responsible for my actions.
The best think you could do would be to get rid of this monstrous waste of space.
Also suggest HRT as peri can be brutal.
And a massive hug from all of us 😘

I don’t want comment re your husband or the grief etc as I have little experience here but I will say that bloods can absolutely come back normal when your in perimenopause and most gps have NO idea about menopause or perimenopause. It’s a massive shift in brain , not just reproductive health, those two organs are intrinsically linked. Peri can cause severe anxiety, depression, brain fog etc and can fluctuate so you simply don’t know who you are anymore.

but you need a menopause specialist. Find one and see them. I say this because once you do you’ll likely start to feel stronger mentally and have more clarity which will help you deal with all the other things to unravel.

I do think that HRT might help with how you feel. You don’t need to tell him anything - they are just small packets.

Forget your husband’s needs and wants. He’s just one of those men that puts himself first - luckily, most partners don’t do that.

If he argues about you not wanting sex - tell him why. Sexual desire starts in the brain - of course you don’t want it. He’s being a shit and you’re exhausted.

Bereavement can be a brutal process. I didn’t want counselling, but it’s hard work to recover.

Meanwhile, with admin, just do what you need to. Complaints can wait a while. I complained about our local hospital, when my DH died - but I left it 5 months until my mind was clear enough to do it coherently.

Best wishes 🌺

I think you would benefit greatly from therapy as well as getting rid of your selfish sexual abusing husband

You're in such turmoil. This has been a long time coming. I believe that loss of a parent is an underrated reason for relationships to break down.

What if you just said to him, I’m done? I don’t want to have sex any more? Do with that information what you will? Do you think he would leave you, and what would that feel like?

Leave him. Grieve in peace.