to be sick of grown adults acting like we’re in high school?

[monstrothewhale]

I was recently chatting to a ‘friend’ who loves to tell me all of the other things she’s been doing with mutual friends - highlighting that I haven’t been included in these plans. When we are often together they all also love to have ‘in’ conversations that stem from their recent meet ups that I don’t know about, and again they’re all very “ooh remember when we had lunch yesterday and said this” as if trying to show off that they did something I wasn’t there for.

The final straw for me was one of these friends saying “I’m sure you know all about xyz” and then I said no she went on about how surprised she was as everyone else knew and was involved.

All of this has just got me feeling like I’m 14 years old again, sat at a table full of people who seem to enjoy leaving me out!

I’m just so sick of these fake friends who are grown adults and still act like children.

I will admit that I am sensitive (likely linked to the aforementioned issues in school!) so I’d like to know aibu to be fed up of this behaviour? I feel like telling them they’re all being nasty for no reason!

Sounds horrible OP! They don’t sound worth your time.

These people aren’t your friends. Do yourself a favour and cut them out.

Bin them! Find some new friends

Yes, you’re right some people are just mean and rubbish.
They want you to know you were left out,
You need new friends. Will it be easy for you to meet new people?

Just to add I obviously have no issue of them doing things separately - not everything has to involve me! I totally get that in a group different people hang out and some are closer than others. It’s the way they go about it and the way they seem to ensure I know about it after the fact that’s upsetting me.

The thing is OP, you are acting a bit like it’s secondary school too- in that you have to make an effort to get along with people and keep the peace with people who you don’t really like, don’t really like you and don’t bring anything to your life.

You don’t have to keep making small talk with these people, you don’t have to be friendly and give them the time of day.

I mean i say this without knowing the tone but is it possible they are saying these things because you are not teenagers and therefore they aren't thinking about leaving people out and are just talking.

I think this is part of the problem, I work in an office with a lot of older people (who are lovely but obviously at very different stages of life to me!) and I have little time for hobbies.

I have one ‘best friend’ separate from this group who I adore and spend some time with but obviously I don’t just want one friend! I do have other friends but they all live some distance away after we all spread out for uni and some stayed away, so not people I can readily hang out with

I've recently become privy to screenshot conversations from a friends other friend group the juvenile behaviour is ridiculous crying and backstabbing he said this she said that they are in their 40s ffs all the blocking the muting the exclusions I have a 17 year old with less drama from the school WhatsApp group

People feel sorry for me because my circles are small and relaxed

This.

I totally get what you mean and out of context I agree. But when they say it it’s all with very subtle-not-subtle glances to me to hear the part where they’re mentioning things they’ve done without me, or if I say “ooh i’ll come to lunch next time” they’d suddenly stutter about how busy they are and how it might not happen again soon (only to then be talking about it again next week).

I’d like to add that one of these friends was initially my own friend via work who I ‘brought into’ the group and has now seemed to turn as she has a better offer - so it’s not like I’ve wormed in where I’m not wanted!

The main culprit for this was my sole friend before and I sort of introduced her to the others. I have noticed since then though that she has form for continuously wanting a ‘better offer’ so she’s always hanging with the person she perceives as the best at the time. For example at work she now always sits with a more senior member of staff, ignores me and talks about how she’s almost at their level and how others should do the grunt work but then comes back to sit with me if they’re not in and is suddenly my friend again.

again it all feels soooo young and I feel silly even typing it out! But it all adds up to feeling rubbish

How pathetic they sound. They’re not worth your headspace. Consider friends outside your age group who will value you. Walk away from them.

Greetings Original Commenter 💚
I completely comprehend how you must be feeling & these "mutual friends" seem insensitive & thoughtless - It seems childish of them to be full of "remember whens" in front of you when 1)they know you can't contribute to them particular conversations & 2)they must surely comprehend you'll be feeling ostracised because you can't join in with them memories they're mentioning with glee
Do they presume you don't wish to be part of some of their mutual activities? Do they mistakenly presume you're too busy, uninterested or even suffering from some phobias which might prevent them thinking to actually invite & include you?
I always like to try to think of all possible scenarios /reasons why someone /groups can seem spiteful but if there's no explanation you can think of, I think you're completely within your rights, as their mutual friend, to ask why you're not included & there's absolutely no shame in admitting this upsets you
Wishing You&Yours all the utmost very best Sincere Soul 💚🙏💚

I mean, if you're certain they are doing it deliberately and you're not just being sensitive, I don't know why you'd want to be friends with any of them.

It does sound rather childish - how old are you and the people in this group?

I’m 26, the friend group is between 24-30. The ‘usual culprit’ for this behaviour is the youngest at only just 24

I get what you’re saying but I feel like it’s not quite that simple when they’re the people I can regularly hang out with. My other friends live too far to see often so it’s basically do stuff with this group or alone.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m leaning towards it’s better to do it alone! But it’s easier said than done

It does sound deliberate from what you've said. Is there a single one who seems nicer that you could keep in touch with and lose the others?

Totally understand what you are saying. I never understood what people meant when they said a school is "cliquey", but I've recently found myself in a school mums group which is ridiculous. One "friend" in particular keeps setting up new what's app and messenger groups, leaving out just one or two people each time. She will then organise a lunch or event, and post us all smiling on social media, knowing those who haven't been invited will see the posts, and they used to be her "in crowd." I hate it and I'm too old for this shit! Plus, you always know that one day you will be the one being excluded. I went to a girls school in high school and even there experienced much less of this rubbish. I'm thinking of just withdrawing from the whole set because it makes me so uncomfortable, but it's not so easy to escape now.

Eh...the vast majority of people ( but not everyone) is like this, because they haven't actually matured/ developed emotional maturity despite getting on in years.
When people don't grow emotionally they stagnate, or go backwards.

Society has encouraged people to avoid reality and consume. Consumption based on aspirational ideas around youth/sex/freedom - that its possible buy your way into these idealised lifestyles if you grind

People have largely ignored loneliness, illness, physical and mental, aging, pain and death as for ' other people'

Ignoring life lessions and milestones
Leaves people circling through drama cycles and repeating high school level interactions - they probably think their 'care free and living In the moment '

But they're probably shallow as they avoid personal growth, and would hold you back....they probably don't get out of their comfort zone and their safe zone is talking shit about others

Having someone usurp your whole friendship circle and cut you out is no small thing, it would be a trauma that's held In the body.

It happens quite frequently as a phenomenal

But also points to your probably carrying that trauma from when you were 14 and it's come up again so you can do stuff differently

Isn't this something that used to be called Wendy-ing on here? Look it up, it sounds really familiar.

I think I do need to distance myself but it’s not that easy. I do already try and not let it show that it bothers me but again I have a very emotive face so I probably don’t do a good job of that!

When my eldest son, who is now 13, started primary school in Reception class, I became friendly with some of the primary school mums. Very VERY soon, even within a year, some were meeting up and making a point of leaving others out etc. I backed myself out of that group ASAP. The clique soon separated. We were mostly in our 30s at the time and I was like, I’m too old and self assured to be around that stupid nonsense!

I’d put it up to them. Nicely. Just ask have you offended them in some way as they seem to be making arrangements and excluding you. Their response will tell you all you need to know.