AIBU by telling someone that they are toxic

[Jp54f]

AIBU by finally telling someone they are behaving in a toxic and unpleasant way?

Basically without too much detail, a relative lost a child. Since that they've been very very very angry. With everyone and everything - flies off the handle VERY fast over trivial things. (8 years ago since losing the baby)

Its getting worse not better - they have got themselves banned from a local supermarket recently because they were abusive to staff

When you talk to them you can be having a normal conversation and all of a sudden something (like someone's NAME) will trigger them and you can literally hear the anger rising as they talk! Over something like someone's name! Or it could be where someone lives. Or something that happened 6 years ago......

The way they talk about people is vile, calls people bi*es, idiots, c*ts, morons, f-ing this that and the other.......etc etc

Their bitterness and victim mentality is exhausting. The bitterness is on another level with everything

I've stopped talking on the phone because of the constant negative tone they use.

Its draining me so i have stopped enabling it and sent a long message to said and said they need to stop being a victim and start being proactive to change things.

They need conselling and anger management and support so urgently!
I don't want comments about their words etc as i am aware its absolutely vile and uncalled for and THAT is why I wanna get them some help urgently. I just want them to have a better, happier life with positivity and kindness as opposed to bitterness and nastiness.

** they cannot afford private counselling so please dont suggest this

**their doctors are "wank" so i doubt they would approach them

** I've suggested talking therapy and im pretty sure they never looked into it

Help!

Who is this person in relation to you, OP? Is it someone you can cut off or someone you are related to and want to help?

How old was their child, or was this during pregnancy?

Yes, I do think this makes a difference.

Hey. Its my sibling. I could cut her off but i want to help her

Child was 2 days old

@Jp54f sorry to hear it! Do they direct this stuff towards you or just towards strangers and events?

Heart breaking. She may need grief counselling if she hasn’t recovered. She’s hating on the world because it took her world. 8 years, still feels like yesterday. It’s raw and she can’t move past it.

Hmmm its a mix.
They talk about others in a vile way - calling them every name imaginable when theyre on a rant. I have had to shout at them.to calm down immediately a few times as i simply dont wanna listen to it all tne time.
Im expected to listen and say nothing so when i do she gets nasty and thats ehen i end the conversation

I’d suggest Anti-depressants too.

Yeah i get that
Its the bitterness and the fact they wont listen to advice that is grating on me atm. Theres no.proactiveness at all amd they want it doing for them but i have kids and a very stressful job myself

The behaviour is unacceptable, but they have got stuck somewhere in their grief presumably.

I don't think you should say they are toxic, that's not helpful.

It's ok to say 'I can't stay in this conversation if there are aggressive remarks directed at me.'

Are they able to express their sorrow, do you talk about their baby?

sent a long message to said and said they need to stop being a victim and start being proactive to change things. This would be an escalation from your side, don't do this sort of thing.

What an incredibly sad situation to be in, especially as it's gone on for so long.

Did she ever get sent for berevement councelling, or given the details of a charity that helps with child loss? I sounds like only specialist help will work.

She wont take meds at all. Absolutely went mental when i said that

It might be an idea to say to her, look, when you're all worked up like this, I can't really understand what you're saying. I'll ring you back later? Maybe she just goes off the rails when she's emotive and needs some time to calm down? Maybe she's a bit too free with you because she trusts you? It's hard to say, really. Did all of this happen only after the passing of their child? She no doubt was traumatised and now this could be a pattern because she didn't feel heard at the time of the trauma. It's not an excuse but how many people are going to sit her down and address it with her? Most people are going to stamp it out of her i.e. kick her out or slam the phone on her and she's never going to change because it's going to cause more anger. I'm not suggesting this is your job, btw, just trying to see it from her point of view.

I think it's promising she's not directing this towards you. I have had a lot of training on how to see through language, and hear the message, but I appreciate language and the volume of it when someone is excited, can be shocking for someone without training or experience.

Shouting at them is also toxic behaviour. Can you get support for yourself to deal with it less angrily? It sounds like you are both struggling to manage.

Well she did but she never answered the calls then all we heard was how shit the charity was and a waste of space etc but she never made the effort to engage.
This is what i mean about the ehole thing. Ive told her she needs to start making phone calls and letting people help!

I only shout to get her attention as she rants and raves so much she doesnt hesr me unless i shout if that makes sense and its happened once.
Im not struggling at all. Im trying to help her but being a verbal punching bag is not something I'll tolerate tbh.

She's in serious emotional pain.

You could access grief resources from Cruse to help you understand why. It's not uncommon to reject grief counselling as it can be too painful.

Inapprecaite your feedback thankyou so so much thats really helpful.
Yes we talk about the baby and we celebrate his birthday every year.

I agree with that.
I will look into this too. Thats really helpful

Im not struggling at all. You are clearly finding this situation hard to manage emotionally. If you get some help for yourself, you will feel calmer when dealing with her.

I always tell her that ill call back later of i feel like im getting angry because i dont wanna be angry.
Shes always been angry - our parents were not good parents and im actually NC with the pair of them. They were emotionally, verbally and metally abusive. I think this is a big contributing factor in her state of mind too.

The.message I sent basically said i was worried about her and her other child and the anger needs to be brought under control. Itbwas from a place of love. I wosh she was closer to me distance wise but its simply not possible to visit regularly

I think theres several things that are all coming into play with her and i cant untangle it all

What kind of person was she before her loss? Are there any clues as to why her reactions are such extreme anger? Was there anything else happening around the time of her pregnancy or after that added to her grief?

Anger is a defense mechanisim, it's also avoidant behaviour.

You are never going to get a positive response by calling someone toxic, and even less so when you send them a long essay detailing each and every one of their faults and how you, the great and perfect know it all, have decreed she can fix herself (as I imagine she saw it and you may have come across)

Could you not just have withdrawn from them and not stayed part of their self-destruct loop?

You can't untangle anything for another person.

This all sounds very painful for you both.

She was always prone to outbursts but since baby died its got extreme.
Our parents dont give a fk about us and prefer the older sibling (neither of us talk to them and im nc with parents) but she keeps the contact going and they continually just show they dont care - thats a huge source of anger. Shes had blow ups with them and says she cant wait for them to die.

I have no idea about the prgnancy - my donors lies caused a 4 year rift with her so thats a blank space for me unfortunately 😕