AIBU by telling someone that they are toxic

[Jp54f]

AIBU by finally telling someone they are behaving in a toxic and unpleasant way?

Basically without too much detail, a relative lost a child. Since that they've been very very very angry. With everyone and everything - flies off the handle VERY fast over trivial things. (8 years ago since losing the baby)

Its getting worse not better - they have got themselves banned from a local supermarket recently because they were abusive to staff

When you talk to them you can be having a normal conversation and all of a sudden something (like someone's NAME) will trigger them and you can literally hear the anger rising as they talk! Over something like someone's name! Or it could be where someone lives. Or something that happened 6 years ago......

The way they talk about people is vile, calls people bi*es, idiots, c*ts, morons, f-ing this that and the other.......etc etc

Their bitterness and victim mentality is exhausting. The bitterness is on another level with everything

I've stopped talking on the phone because of the constant negative tone they use.

Its draining me so i have stopped enabling it and sent a long message to said and said they need to stop being a victim and start being proactive to change things.

They need conselling and anger management and support so urgently!
I don't want comments about their words etc as i am aware its absolutely vile and uncalled for and THAT is why I wanna get them some help urgently. I just want them to have a better, happier life with positivity and kindness as opposed to bitterness and nastiness.

** they cannot afford private counselling so please dont suggest this

**their doctors are "wank" so i doubt they would approach them

** I've suggested talking therapy and im pretty sure they never looked into it

Help!

Honestly all I want is for her to be as happy as she can be. Shes on a downward spiral and i can't help as im just not qualified

I think you need to accept your limits here OP. You're a layperson, you're not her therapist and you can't change her behaviour. It's up to her if she wants to get better and seek help, it's not going to come from you.

You need to have boundaries and shut this down when she starts going off on you. It's ok to say no to taking someone else's bad behaviour and I'm not convinced that anyone is ever helped by using someone else as an emotional punching bag anyway.

She may not be able to be happy. Don't put any more pressure on her.

Your family backstory is going to be a big factor.

You can't fix any of this, best thing would be to get support for yourself so you don't add to the troubles.

OP just curious - was this person calm and sweet before the baby died?

Because in my experience some people seize upon opportunities to behave badly and be unpleasant. I’m not minimising her pain - but im
going to guess she was the sort of person who “spoke her mind” before this - she just got worse?

What?!? Why and what for, does OP need help?! This is not the thread for passive aggressive digs ffs

I think you tell her that you love her and assert boundaries when needed. You can't fix this. And telling her she's angry/toxic is not going to help because she isn't receptive to change.

I'm sorry, it's a shit situation. 💐

Where is her husband? It shouldn’t be all on you and, in fact, you may find it easier to convince her she needs to seek help if you work together.

She wasnt calm by a long way but has got a million times worse since

Thankyou.
Honestly its really shitty.

He is always poorly. He has multiple health issues and doesn't help from what i can see. Hes a nice guy but hes like another child from my perspective

@Jp54f I’ve literally had to leave calls ringing unanswered and move WhatsApp chats to archive just because I can no longer deal with hearing problem after problem, negativity after negativity from the same few people over and over again. No matter how much help given, it was simply me putting out one fire until the next. I’ve realised, far too late, only they themselves can help themselves. I can’t do it for them and I don’t want to even try anymore. My mental health prefers a quiet life.

If you feel this is affecting your MH @Jp54f let her calls ring out to voicemail (don’t listen to messages left) and don’t read any text messages for a while. Take a step back and let her figure this out. Go low contact so she gets used to not having you to rant to.

She sounds like she could have ptsd. That would mean that she is constantly reliving and the moment her child died and probably constantly feels like she is about to die. Her adrenaline will be through the roof and she is may be trying to cope by self medicating with alcohol or something else.

Ptsd can be alsmost completely cured in a lot of people by having a course of emdr. This is available via the nhs but you have to keep asking till you get it.

Gosh, my heart goes out to both of you.

It sounds like your sister has had a lot to deal with throughout her life, and then had tragedy pilled on top. No wonder she's struggling. Sadly, she might even have c-ptsd from the trauma or bpd from your parents abuse and neglect.

As you obviously already know, she needs proper professional help to work out what's going on and what therapies might help. Has she ever harmed herself or threatened to, does she ever do anything risky or dangerous to her health?

Typical 🙄. Is there any chance you could get through to him that he has to step up and assist you with getting your sister into therapy? Is he not worried about her, or wanting her to get better?

Not sure why you read it as PA, it was genuinely meant. This situation is very upsetting for OP - she has explained how much it's impacting her. She can't change her sister's mental health, she can get help for herself so she doesn't feel so burdened. Dealing with an angry, distressed sibling is hard.

I agree with this. Another poster mentioned Cruse but there is also Sands.

https://www.sands.org.uk/

However I have never been able to do counselling regarding the death of my baby because it is so fucking painful to talk about it, about the failures of the hospital, the staff, the GP, the husband, the friends, the family - every single person letting you down emotionally and mentally when you need them the most, and you still feel this absolute rage even twenty years later. Your sister might also be thinking you let her down OP, at the time and right now, and she's angry at your inability to see her pain.

You say she can't afford therapy - can you offer to pay for so many months?

@Springtimeinsunshine this is why emdr is so amazing. You dont have to talk about what happened very much, only enough to vaguely explain the events which were traumatic. then they teach you how to build a safe place to mentally go if you feel too distressed at any point. The rest of the process is just thinking about traumatic events one at a time and tapping parts of your body until your brain shunts them out of short term memory and into long term storage ao you arent living them any more. Honestly it has been life changing for me.