To kick DS 22 out

[comofn]

AIBU to be at my wits end with him.?
Hes 22 year old not got a penny saved to his name even though he’s worked full time from being 18 years old.

He gets paid on a Friday and lucky if he has £20 left by Monday. All he does is go out Friday and Saturday night drinking and taking drugs (coke and weed).
He even takes his car with his as well and drives it back sometimes.

He doesn’t do anything when he’s at home just sits in his room. Doesn’t come down and speaks to us. Only when he wants something. He does nothing in the house and just moans when I ask him.

I feel terrible writing this with him being my son but I’ve had enough of it now.
He’s a man now and needs to grow up. He’s so immature for his age. Won’t look at us when he’s speaking to us, if we try giving him advice he mumbles like a teenager. I’m sure he has additional needs and so does he but he won’t see a doctor. He won’t do anything for himself and I’ve had enough now.So would I be unreasonable to tell him to find somewhere else to live?

Not unreasonable at all. It could be the wake up call that he needs to change his life, but on the flip side could also send him into a downward spiral. You don't get to choose which way it goes. I would ask him to leave for the above reasons, but try to be as supportive as possible once he has moved out.

It sounds like he has a coke addiction at this point if he has been doing it for the last 4 years and needs help. Please don't take that lightly. I would consider asking a GP or someone for advice.

Op when a lot of people were in their early 20s life was just about going out, going shopping etc etc. I had some savings but not tons and gave a little bit home but again not tons. Get him down or go up and chat to him- have a poker night or something. You need to ‘make friends!’

That’s what I worry about the most him getting even worse.
Also if I did tell him to leave he would have no where to go. Well he could go to his dads but he doesn’t really like his step mum.

He said he doesn’t have an addiction he can’t say no when he’s out. I told him that’s a problem. He just doesn’t listen, thinks I nag and I’ve had enough.

That’s the nuclear option. Realistically, will you see him sleep in his car? Or in a tent? As parents, how have you and his dad equipped him with the skills to survive outside of the family home?

Who is paying for his car? For his WiFi/phone/clothes/toiletries/food? If you pay for any of those things then stop immediately. Is he paying you rent? If not, that needs to start. Is he doing his own laundry? I’d also suggest telling him you want an extra £50 a week for his savings pot. If he doesn’t like it, then he’s got three months to find somewhere else.

Yes I totally get all that I was the exact same till I got to around 26/27. I just want the best for him and for him to get off the drugs.

£540 on a Friday and only have a tenner left on a Monday is not “normal”

I’d absolutely be considering chucking him out he needs to learn to prioritise money and pay bills and live - it must be hard but allowing this is like enabling it and not helping the situation.

how much rent do you take off him?

I’m not sure I could see him sleep in his car or a tent but I think maybe that’s what is needed.

He can do things for himself, he cooks his own meals if he doesn’t want what I’m cooking. He pays for his car and all his other stuff. He pays me £50 a week “when he’s got it”. Speaking to his dad about it all is just like speaking to a brick wall so I’ve stopped he’s life hard work

How/where does he eat, who does his washing, does he pay any upkeep?
If he’s earning, he needs to be contributing to the household.
maybe start there. If he doesn’t want to contribute then he needs to find somewhere else to live.

Can the Police prosecute him for driving on cocaine? He's going to kill someone if he's not stopped.

We cross posted and you answered my questions about housekeeping. Do you buy all the food. Maybe start being strict about household, you literally provide a roof but nothing else e.g, tv, WiFi, food, toiletries etc?

"He pays me £50 a week if he's got it"
OP, you really need to be on top of this, he's taking advantage, and by not charging him rent regularly and paying for everything else, you're indirectly enabling his behaviour, re drinking and drugs.
Can he not organise a direct debit once a week from his bank account to yours?

Yes my ex partner was very much like this, has a really bad relationship with his mum but different to this. He was heavily addicted to weed and experimenting with other drugs, the latter half fairly normal for early 20s. She kicked him out at the age of 20 and he resented her ever since; since then spiralling into the weed addiction and ultimately became completely unhinged.

Reading this thread made me think of him; as he was similar behaviour wise in that he wouldn't join in with anything, wouldnt speak to her/his siblings, only when he needed something. She went NC with him because he was so abusive to her, and while I dont blame her I think she threw in the towel without even trying to get him any help. There is so much more that she could of done, or tried to do.

Which is why my advice to you would be to maybe try again to talk him with regards to how he is with you first, something like if you both have a chat to check-in every day first, and then in time try to rebuild a better relationship. If he does this, tackle the drug problem later when he maybe feels more secure talking about it.

If he doesn't want to do that and make an effort to try, I would be telling him he makes enough money to rent somewhere and has to do that, supporting him along the way. I think having such responsibilities really matures people a lot of the time, at this age especially.

Its easy for people to say this is typical early 20s behaviour, but each case is so unique and until you've seen such instances in real life, its sometimes hard to tell how much of a problem it can be. Good luck with him

You think your son needs to sleep in his car or a tent?

And you also think that he's probably got additional needs but you didn't do anything about this for the first 16 years of his life?

He's not looking at you or talking to you because he's really struggling. Heavy cocaine and weed use is linked to ADHD.

But you just crack on.

Is it just the 2 of you at home?

Do people really raise their kids to be like this then kick them out when they haven’t lived up to their expectations? What have you actually done to help him?

£540 on a Friday and £10 left on Monday is drugs. Sorry, but by leaving things as they are then you’re funding his habit one way or the other.

It’s time to have the frank conversation here about planing to move out. And it is time to withdraw services - a free existence.

You can’t chuck him out now, but you can give a timeline. You can withdraw all services that make it the easy choice to be at home. Big words but hard to implement. But you have to start.

Buying own food. Cooking it at times convenient to you. Own washing being done - at times convenient to you. A savings plan that you keep the money for. A financial education of how much he costs to keep, and how much he saves by your generosity.

He is in his room - make him pay for the internet. Get firm, tell him to stop mumbling when he speaks. Ask for firm answers. Pay not attention to moods. If he brings friends back tell him they are no longer welcome because your home is not a flat share.

I sound harsh but this is a critical moment. Launch him by making it enticing to move out.

You have all my sympathy.

I was sort of with you until ou said special needs.

What sort of special needs? What does he struggle with and how does it impact his behaviour?
is the drugs taking a way to deal with anxiety/stress from those special needs?

Throwing him out is, for me, the nuclear option.
But doing so wo FIRST taking into account his struggles and have a scaffolding in place is shit imo

Just crack on!

Im trying to help him. I said I can’t see him sleep in his car or a tent, I don’t want him to. But also think maybe that’s what he needs. I never said I would do it! All this is breaking my heart.

Additional needs he was the one who came to me and said it.
when he was young I thought he was just a little shy and not much confidence. Back then Autism and adhd wasn’t spoke about like it is now. Also school never had any concerns so I thought nothing of until intel he brought it up a couple of months ago

No I don’t!! I’m doing everything I can to help him. BUT there is only so much you can do for someone

Oh come on, my dcs are slightly older than him.
Autism and ADHD were very well known then. And you could get an appointment with CAMHS then (being there and done that)
It wasn’t like 50 years ago.

And it still doesn’t explain how you’re wondering if kicking him out is the right thing to do without anything in place to support him.

Starting with knowing how to get a diagnosis, how to work with the NHS (see right to choose), maybe asking him for £10 each week that will be put towards a private assessment.
So many possibilities before kicking him out

Genuinely, what are you doing right now to support him?

Not giving him a roof but to find out about those issues, to understand WHY he is using drugs (NOT judging it) etc….

Maybe we could then point towards other things that could be helpful?

Honestly with no mention of anything from school it’s something I never thought of or crossed my mind. I don’t know anyone back then with kids with needs.

I don’t want to kick him out I want him to do well. I speak to him all the time about it but like I said he just thinks I’m a nag.

How I’ve heard him speak to friends before on the phone it’s like he’s trying to act like some type of gangster. I don’t know what more I can do. I really don’t like the person he is becoming

I’ve spoken to him tonight about why. All he says is he’s 22 that’s what all 22 year olds do. He’s told me he doesn’t want to be like that anymore, he does want more from life. He just can’t help himself when he’s out, he can’t say no when it’s there.

Hes actually staying in tonight

I have inattentive ADHD, and I understand how hard it is to say no when substances are around.
In my early 20s (I’m in my 40s now), I used to use cocaine.

I haven’t touched it for years, and I don’t want it or think about it, but if someone were to use it in front of me, I’m not sure I could say no. I don’t see this as addiction on my part; I think it stems from impulsivity and the ADHD urge to be reckless.

Many people with ADHD use cannabis because it can calm brain chatter and help some focus, though that isn’t a universal solution and has its own risks.

I would consider a firm, direct conversation about boundaries and expectations. Propose a clear plan with a timeline say, six months, to get him the right help, including a formal assessment if needed. If he doesn't do this with in the time frame then look into asking him to leave

Encourage your DS to get into martial arts. A karate class would do him good when not working, as a substitute to going to bars/clubbing.