To kick DS 22 out

[comofn]

AIBU to be at my wits end with him.?
Hes 22 year old not got a penny saved to his name even though he’s worked full time from being 18 years old.

He gets paid on a Friday and lucky if he has £20 left by Monday. All he does is go out Friday and Saturday night drinking and taking drugs (coke and weed).
He even takes his car with his as well and drives it back sometimes.

He doesn’t do anything when he’s at home just sits in his room. Doesn’t come down and speaks to us. Only when he wants something. He does nothing in the house and just moans when I ask him.

I feel terrible writing this with him being my son but I’ve had enough of it now.
He’s a man now and needs to grow up. He’s so immature for his age. Won’t look at us when he’s speaking to us, if we try giving him advice he mumbles like a teenager. I’m sure he has additional needs and so does he but he won’t see a doctor. He won’t do anything for himself and I’ve had enough now.So would I be unreasonable to tell him to find somewhere else to live?

I wish he would. Honestly anything like that he would say I’m weird or only weirdos geeks do that. He’s not that kind of person. He thinks he’s some sort of “bad man” like he says. Anyone who is sensible and got their head screwed on is weird and a faggot.

Honestly he is hard work

Give him a deadline e.g. 1st September. He can start saving for a rental deposit and find a place. You can help him with moving.

I fail to see how any parent could contemplate throwing their son out because he’s immature, floundering and not following a mature life path at the age of 22.

Do better as a parent. You don’t just give up.

He can set up a direct payment so that £50/week (or however much you agree) goes straight to your bank account as soon as he's paid - you won't get it right away as the transfer can take a few days but it'll be out of his account before he can access it and so he won't even see it to include it in his weekend binge.

But if he's insisting that only nerds or whatever get help for their problems and he refuses to be one of them, then he's never going to even try to get help and things will continue as is with you becoming increasingly frustrated and his losing more and more time when he could be getting things together. It sounds like you have SOME influence on him so I'd maybe focus on convincing him to get scheduled or on the waiting list for a diagnosis. Show him that it's strictly confidential as far as anyone connected with the health service is concerned and promise that you won't tell a soul if that's what he's worried about. He doesn't necessarily have to act on the results right away but it's a starting point to get a fix on the situation and explore what help may be available.

Point out to him it could come in handy if a drug deal kicks off

I wouldn't kick him out, sounds like he needs more support. I think things would get worse for him if you kicked him out. If you think he's got additional needs, it's a shame nothing was done earlier. Id focus on figuring that out and finding support

Just found out DS 19 has been taking cannabis at college but took things a step further and brought it home and ate it (edible form) this week.... I said he knows we have a zero tolerance policy in the family home to any substances. Massive argument broke out. He has younger siblings so we don't have substance misuse happening. No one else uses anything but occasionally alcohol (adults).

I said he either stops whilst living here or finds somewhere else to live.

You have my sympathies OP. This is hard going.

He usually stays with grandparents during term but they may not have him now once they hear of this.

It's not even the substance as much as the lying to my face that hurts the most. He has no respect for us. I never once treated my parents that way. DH was the same and respected his parents wishes years ago.

Try living with a young person like this when you've exhausted all avenues you can think of. It's overwhelming at times.

We can no longer trust our DS. He admitted it is no big deal driving whilst taking edible cannabis. Basically downplaying it.

I feel for you op. It’s a bit of a lottery how young adult men see the world, influenced by who they are friends with. My son was a bit like yours until the age of 21, then his friends seemed to get a bit more serious about life and he’s following suit.
I think martial arts can be seen as very cool by his age group. My son’s mate does boxing too.

Thanks for the positive comments.

I really don’t want to kick him out at all. I want to help him but he obviously doesn’t want my help. I try everything to help him. But… everyone are idiots except him, only he knows best. Never listens and just thinks everything is a joke.

He ended up going out last night and took his car. Told me he wast only having 1 or 2 drinks and wasn’t having any drugs.
I got woke up at 12am with him and a few friends on the street shouting. All absolutely pissed out of their heads.

I went outside to get his car key off him and tell him to be quiet he was shouting at me telling me to get back in the house, he wants nothing to do with me, all I do is nah and that he’s 22 years old he will do what he wants.

I managed to get the key off him and left him to it. He has no respect at all for me or anyone else and I’ve had enough

Im sorry. It’s very hard on you..
If it was me, I’d be getting an older male to have a firm talk with him.
Youre doing you’re best and I hope he listens at some point!

All he does is go out Friday and Saturday night drinking and taking drugs (coke and weed).
He even takes his car with his as well and drives it back sometimes.

I would throw him out just for this. Next time report him to the police if you know where he's likely to end up (club/pub). I wouldn't be able to live with myself if he killed someone and I'd done fuck all to prevent it.

You are insulating him from feeling the negative consequences of his poor choices!

I can relate. I think my DS son 23 has additional needs but when he was younger I too thought he was just shy/awkward and got on ok at school.

There wasn't the awareness there is now.

I sympathize with you but you are going to have to find a way to get through to him that he needs help. You can go to the GP together.

I presume he is working in the trades if he's weekly paid on a Friday - what's his boss like? Could you share your worries with him (might not be possible I know but just a thought).

Easy for everyone on here to say kick him out etc but very difficult in reality and your his mum and want the best for him.

I'm speaking as a mum of boys and my oldest one drives me mad but I couldn't just chuck him out.

You've got to find a way of getting him to realise he needs help.

Good luck xx

Driving under the influence of drugs is illegal and very serious. You need to report this, he could kill somebody and if he does his sentence will be far worse than driving under the influence. I know you won’t do it - nobody ever does - but it will be the wake up call he needs in terms of his habit and his status as an adult who needs to start being accountable for himself.

Next time he drives, make that phone call. They won’t tell him it’s you.

I know. Just imagine if it was a child.

Op, he doesn’t care what you have to say. You’re a pushover middle aged woman who has been catering to him since the day he was born. He doesn’t respect you, he won’t listen to anything you tell him.

You are watching your son slide into a life of addiction and basement dwelling because you’re too scared to push the nuclear button while there’s still time. I see this sort of scenario ALL the time, and a future of addiction, benefits and crime awaits unless you pull the rug out from under his feet. There are no ‘nicey nicey’ gradual steps you can take here I’m afraid.

Call the police next time he goes out. Report him. The justice system will give him the shake he needs, and he has to listen. It’s also possible his sentence will help with his addiction.

Make that call.

He starts to pay you slightly less than reting a room in a house share. When he's going out, he leaves he's keys, or you report him. If he doesn't like it, he leaves. He'll end up dead or in jail, for killing someone drug driving. He can do what he wants, within the law.

This is the main concern OP, he could kill someone. Imagine if a drug driver killed one of your kids and you found out their parent let them take off in their car every weekend to get drunk and take coke?