AIBU to expect help at home when chronic pain flares up?

[MooseLooseAbootTheHoose]

I'll try to keep this as short as possible, but I really need some outside perspective please, as I genuinely feel like I'm losing my mind.
For context and to avoid dripfeeding, I am 46 and DH is 53. Been together 26 yrs and married 18 yrs.
Was previously in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship (many years ago), and I'm not sure if this is clouding my judgement.
I have fibromyalgia and chronic back pain since 2010 which has gradually got worse, and there are days where I literally struggle to get out of bed. However, I try to carry on as normal and still pull my weight with household tasks. Over the last 5 or so years, I feel as though DH has started to tire of it, which I totally understand; I'm bored and fed up with it too. The problem is, is that with his lack of interest, there has been an increase in his motivation and willingness to do anything around the house. He cooks dinner and washes up every night, but that's it. Despite me begging for help with the jobs I find hardest like hoovering, gardening, cleaning the bathroom and DIY; he just doesn't do it. It then gets left until I can't stand it, so I end up doing it and end in so much pain that I can't do anything for about a week afterwards, and he just doesn't care that it's a result of him not doing to help me around the house. He also sleeps constantly. If he sits on the sofa for longer than 10 minutes, he's fast asleep snoring. I've been asking him to see a GP about it for the last 12 months, but he refuses to go.
I've tried so many times and so many ways to speak to him about these things, but every single time, he twists it or makes it into an argument about me. It's the same with money - he wants nothing to do with our shared finances or budgeting, but then tells me I'm controlling if I need to ask him about any transactions he's made with his card.
I'm at the point now where I just don't say anything to him unless he speaks to me first, because I can't face all of the arguments and mind games.
I suppose what I'm asking is whether I'm being unreasonable by asking him to help with the jobs that I can't do, or whether he's being unreasonable leaving me to do it (or not get done at all) and then sitting back to watch me suffer in pain.

You’ve clearly twisted this up and assigned bad intentions but if you step back for a minute maybe you would notice that he seems really ill and like he needs help too. It sounds like he even needs help getting an appointment and going to the GP. Relationships are give and take and it sounds like you are very used to the focus being on you and your problems and like no one else is allowed to be ill or have problems.

Why would a grown man need help to make a doctor's appointment?

I am disabled.

if something causes me too much pain it doesn’t get done.

diy and gardening in particular I would suggest are not a priority and you should replace them with rest.

If you are disabled I would apply for government help for cleaning and gardening. In Australia if you qualify as disabled you receive a care package to help you with everything day things. Also my husband sleeps all the time after being at work

I said in my original post that I have told him to go and see the doctor, but he refuses. Every day for the last 6 months or so I have asked him if he's made an appointment, and he's said no. He's already on anti depressants and I've bought him several different things to try and help improve his sleep at night. I don't really know what else I can do on my part to help him, and I actually think your comment about the focus being on me is quite unfair - there is no focus given to me by family whatsoever

It sounds like he is ill and afraid to face it.
Can you afford a weekly cleaner for bathrooms etc, or do you qualify for any disability assistance?

Snoring might mean it's as simple as a sleep apnoea test to see if that is making him tired. Otherwise, he really does need a check up, but you can't make him do it.

Are you able to get funding or afford someone to come and do things like clean? That might help both of you.

I carry a huge load and also have pain, my husband recently also went through some health stuff that made some things harder for him to do. I only just cope as it is so had to tell him that I couldn't manage taking on his load as well, so he'd have to organise someone to help with things like the lawn if he couldn't do it. That's not invalidating his own struggles, that's just being realistic about my own limits and health, which matters too.

Yes, a partner should support, but it might not be realistic for them to take on more of the physical load. In that case, other solutions have to be found.

Darragon
You’ve clearly twisted this up and assigned bad intentions but if you step back for a minute maybe you would notice that he seems really ill and like he needs help too. It sounds like he even needs help getting an appointment and going to the GP. Relationships are give and take and it sounds like you are very used to the focus being on you and your problems and like no one else is allowed to be ill or have problems.

Jesus, what a weird, targeted way to take what op has said! Clearly twisted?! He cooks and cleans up, she does everything else!

Wtf!?! I can't believe this is the first reply.

Op ignore this idiotic comment. Obviously more information needs to be given about how much he is doing - does he have a job, is he doing other chores etc?

If he's sleeping way too much but has done nothing about that, that's not on you op.

If you can't do something, leave it. Could you asked friends/family?

Do you have children?

If you are unhappy are you able to leave?

Is he working full time?

You say when you have a flare up- how often are these and how long do they last?

If he’s working full time, cooking dinner and tidying away every night I can see why he might feel like less urgent tasks like hoovering or diy can wait. It sounds like you’re both at capacity, he’s doing as much as he can -is exhausted and to cope is prepared to leave things like the hoovering until someone has capacity to do them.

How is it idiotic? We only have the ops version

Can you throw money at the problem? Gardener, cleaner?

Can you swap jobs, if he is cooking and cleaning the dishes every day? Those tasks might be more manageable for you rather than vacuuming and gardening? That way more gets done. If he can literally fall asleep in 10 minutes every time he sits down, he's clearly unwell too. Do you have any children living at home that can contribute to chores too??

To clarify some of the questions asked, we both work full time jobs, although my job is a WFH role.
DH does no other tasks such as tidying up, etc., it is purely the washing up and cooking a microwave meal for him and our DS each evening (I don't eat because of feeling sick from the pain).
When I refer to the hoovering or gardening not being done, I don't just mean for a month or so; I'm talking about 2 years since the grass was last cut and around 6 months without the hoovering being done.
Whilst I would love to throw money at the problem, that's just not an option at the moment.
DS has an 21-month old DD, so whilst he does step up and help where he can, he spends most of his time with his GF and DD at GF's flat.
I understand everyone saying about DH's tiredness and being unwell, however it doesn't seem to cause him any issues when out fishing for the day, or watching the football and drinking all day 🤷🏼‍♀️

Really? Come off it.

Are you the 'D'H in this?

But the ops version also seemed balanced as she explained why she wasn't always able to do much and also gave a reason which could affect how much her husband could do. You literally went straight to defending the husband. She's clearly posted as she feels there's an imbalance.

Her latest posts suggests he's a lazy man and op needs support.

If you haven’t been able to hoover for 6 months these aren’t just flare-ups; you are incapacitated. You want him to take on these tasks fully.

For someone working full time, commuting and in their mid 50s I get why he’s tired. Him picking up all the housework too is not a sustainable solution.

He’s allowed to have some hobbies and downtime.

ds has an 21-month old DD, so whilst he does step up and help where he can, he spends most of his time with his GF and DD at GF's flat.
so ds technically still lives with you? He doesn’t live with with his partner and child? Does he/work or is she claiming benefits as a single person?
why isn’t he doing housework then?

Apologies, I should have made that clearer. Both my DS and his GF work full-time. When I say DS spends most of his time at her flat, I meant after work, and at weekends.

So you only need to make food for 2 of you as your son is not there and could also make his own. Would it be easier for you to make food as you’re at home so could do something easier or in stages pacing yourself. He might then be able to some of the cleaning.

@Hobbitfeet32 I'm really sorry, but I did say that I don't eat due to nausea from pain, so it's only my DH to cook for really. And if he wanted me to cook for him, then I would but through his own choice, he just sticks something in the microwave.

Sounds like a bit of a nightmare all round. No doubt the stress that it is causing will not help your flares.
You can only control what you do so for a bit concentrate on that.
You work from home and have chronic pain, has your employer assessed your needs and supplied suitable adaptations, chair desk set up, voice recognition software if typing hurts?
Do you get PIP or any benefits for your conditions?
Have you looked into any aids available to make doing things less painful.
Are you eating enough to adequately feed your body, undernourishment won’t help?
Getting frustrated and tackling huge jobs just makes you feel worse. Concentrate your efforts on making the house and garden low maintenance. I don’t mean pave over the garden or put down astroturf, maybe get your ds to cut the grass properly then get a robotic mower to take that job away.
Three adults all working full time live in the house, could you do a regular weekend chore session, all three for something like 45 minutes?

In the UK, this would be financially assessed, so could end up costing the OP a significant amount of money. They would also expect OP's DH to help with household chores unless he is considered to be disabled too.

Do you claim PIP? If so, could you use some of the money to pay for a cleaner and gardener?

I’d say that if your relationship has got to this stage, you are unreasonable to stay. It sounds miserable for both of you.