To question if I should continue to out with my DH

[Pinkbasketcase]

Im curious to see what anyone else would do.

So Everytime we go on a night out or especially to a wedding, I'm left on my own. Family weddings are the worst because I'm left to be with his family whilst he heads off or again sitting on my own. It seems the more drink he gets the less he wants me around. I love to dance.. and when I go on the hunt for him.. he is on the dance floor or at the bar enjoying the fun with others..
Is this weird?

So couples just go their separate ways when at wedding or on a night out? When I say date, I meant a bit of time to finally get to actually talk to each other and have some fun.

When my husband and I go out, we don’t see each other till the end of the evening generally. Not in a conscious way but we are both sociable and love chatting to others. We don’t sit near each other at the table if we are out for dinner with friends etc. No issues, but we spend enough time together at home! And we then catch up on the way back.

There is no avoidance and we happily dance together if that happens organically. We had our silver wedding last year and this works for us. But I understand it’s not the same for everyone. You need to tell your husband and he needs to be a bit more understanding and communicate better.

Yes, if it's a social event. If we wanted to spend time together we would go on a date 1 on 1.

Definitely. It's not a conscious thing and of course if we happen to end up in the same group of people we won't avoid each other, but we don't seek each other out. Last night I was at a birthday do and we were talking in a group of 4 - one person went to the loo and the other left early so DH and I looked at each other and were like, well, see you in a bit - off to mingle!

I always thought it was bad etiquette to sit couples next to each other at dinner parties.

Dates are great as well! We'll go out for a meal or a gig or whatever, just the two of us.

That's something to think about. I get the mingling but I'd much rather mingle with DH and my time with him. At weddings I see must of the older generation couples together.
I think I'm more of a when I'm out with DH, then I'm out with him. I don't feel the need to disappear and leave. I don't think it's wrong to have that expectations especially when it's always been and now it's changed suddenly.

But social events are put on for a reason - to celebrate someone's birthday or wedding for example, they aren't a date night for you and your husband. If you want a date night then organise one. The norm at social events is to mingle.

I wouldn't see a night out at a wedding or with his friends as a date night. Surely a date night is something you arrange just for you two?
Id find it a bit odd if I was out with my DH, and his friends/ friends wives, and he wanted to spend the majority of the evening with me. He can catch up with me at the bar, or in the taxi home, in bed together having a debrief the next morning. He can't see his friends and dance with them then, and to be honest, I honestly love seeing him have fun in that situation and see maybe a bit of a side to him that doesn't come out too often.

But there's a balance. It's completely possible for a normally socially skilled person to include another in their fun. Think about how it is when you really fancy someone, you subtly put yourself into their group and their conversation. You can definitely do that - at least some of the time - with your DH.

Having said that there are some WEIRD people who can't talk to anyone except in couples and that's mad too. I went to a party once where the women found it super odd that I introduced myself to a group of their husbands and made lively conversation. I started doing it on purpose after a while, as I was there on my own and so I would retreat, talk to a few women then deliberately approach a fresh group of blokes. Each time "their womenfolk" would appear protectively within a few exchanges. It was funny.

I started doing it on purpose after a while, as I was there on my own and so I would retreat, talk to a few women then deliberately approach a fresh group of blokes. Each time "their womenfolk" would appear protectively within a few exchanges. It was funny- why is that funny?

Yes, that's a very good point..

I think a fair few ppl might be missing the point here, in saying these events aren’t dates, we see each other all the time etc. I think the matter for you might be that when it’s your crowd he needs hand holding and introducing/including etc, but when it’s the other way he slips away / extricates himself etc. at any opportunity and you just end up sort of floating around on your own. It’s a sort of manners thing (or lack of it) and not acting like a couple. Sure there will be points when you’re chatting to other people points when you’re together, but his constant slipping away when it’s his crew isn’t v kind. I totally get this and my husband used to be like this. I remember on big night we were both playing music at this massive event and when it was his band I was there at the front dancing cheering along with all the other women at his solos etc. But when my band was on he wasn’t in the crowd. There were all these blokes chanting and cheering and lifting their mates up into the air and he was nowhere. Afterwards it was like “yeah I had a great catchup with my mate I’d not seen in ages”, rather than “that was awesome loved the gig”. It was like I was just there on my own and he wasn’t bothered. Didn’t really see him the whole night and it was a very romantic black tie eve and I’d gone to town on dress/hair etc and was just sort of on my own rather than with him;( it was a bit akin to a prom night if you were young) so you sort of have that romantic expectation that’s unfulfilled! Even on our wedding day I barely saw him. The part where you slip off with the photographer for couple pics I could feel he found awkward being with me. Then my all time fave tune came on and I was dancing with everyone but him, one of his friend’s wives who recognised it was a tune ran and grabbed him and dragged him onto the dance floor with me, and I could see he looked really cross. Turns out he was and was so angry to have had his catch up with his friend curtailed. It’s almost like his friendships are far more of a focus and priority than us to him. I think/hope he’d be different now, I think having kids has mellowed him perhaps. But I do get where you’re coming from op.

YES!! That's exactly it. Thank you!

I also don't understand why when people have different expectations in their relationships they are referred to as Weird or people are mocking languages are used. Is it not ok to be different?

An then you have women just out here purposefully winding other women up... Im curious to understand that..

It’s funny this chat made me think about (I’m a Christian) the bit after church. I’ve been to so many different denominational services in my time across different countries and humans are all the same. The bit when the coffee and biscuits comes out and everyone chats are so like this. There are the people hovering around the vicar or preacher wanting to interject when there’s the opportune moment and talk. There are the people who join your convo and some are busy with lots to do and like to slip away and make their excuses and speak to people who are busy and important. Think Father Ted with the Bishop comes. It’s social dynamics and hierarchies I guess. You can always tell a genuine church where if you know no one and are standing about like a lemon after someone will sweep in an engage you in chat and welcome. Or there are those ones where you remain a lemon because people are wanting to catch up with their people. I think this is what you’re touching on perhaps but in a different context; “why does he not want to choose to be with me and talk to or with me and others? His priorities are elsewhere.” This is how I felt. I had a friend where to my shame I was terrible at this in the moment. A really socially awkward guy joined our chatting group at a gig we were at and I carried on talking. Then my friend when it was his turn to talk, he was so cool too, really really included this awkward guy. It was so lovely. I felt such shame in that moment but learnt so much from my friend’s inclusive not exclusive nature.

My advice would be (not that you asked for it lol) but just to keep speaking to your partner about it. It sounds like he’s open and listening even if he doesn’t see it yet which is good. Defo don’t stop going and sulk (like I would lol); you are outgoing and like dancing and this is just something that you need to communicate with him on and build over the years. If you don’t it will never change and you’ll just feel despondent or bitter. But keep communicating on it and if he’s listening he’ll get there and get how you feel. Enjoy going out together!

Not all evening, but some of it. At a wedding I'd probably expect a mix of time spent together and then separate time mingling around. It would depend on how many people we knew at the wedding and the dynamics etc. Maybe DH wants to go and dance while I'm deep in a conversation. Maybe he's catching up with an old friend who I don't really know, and I'd rather chat to someone else, in that case I'll probably wander off.

Yes, communication is important. I totally get what you are saying! Father Ted 😂 I love this!
I really appreciate your input thank you

It might just be how you've phrased things but a couple of comments are slightly concerning:

'the more drink he gets the less he wants me around'

'he will avoid me on the dancefloor'

These make it sound a bit like he's doing this deliberately rather than just being busy/distracted. Do you think there is any suggestion of that?

You've also suggested this is a recent change in his behaviour ('especially when it's always been and now it's changed suddenly'), is that right?

This is why I was thinking would it be fair to not go out with him. I did get a sense he was doing it on purpose, but some comments highlighted it was normal to not want to be around you spouse when going. For me, this is not normal.

I think now it would be better to communicate how I am feeling and maybe on a few occasions not go out.

I don't think its normal, my dh will be next to me, dancing with me because he wants my time - not great

Well there is no 'normal' in an absolute sense and no right or wrong, it doesn't really matter what is normal for other couples. You know what is customary in your relationship and you're saying the dynamic has recently changed. I guess the question is why it has changed.

Hi op I would say to him I love dancing and I think if you are on the dance floor the least you could do is let me know so I can join you. I’m sitting there like a lemon it’s embarrassing if you don’t want me there I would rather you tell me as I hate sitting by myself when you are dancing away. I as a woman love to dance and dp doesn’t so I’m likely to leave him on his own and feel guilty so I would rather he didn’t come with me. I’m not going to miss out dancing because it’s not his thing. It’s the most miserable thing to do at a party.

Thank you to those who understand where I am coming and know that I am not trying to stop my DH from having fun. I do believe there is a conversation or discussion needs to happen.