Husband anger issues

[Sunnyday14558]

My husband gets really angry. Most of the time he’s a god dad with a fair amount of patience. Yesterday he got some news from work which put him in a bad mood and I felt he was taking it out on the boys (2 and 4) at bedtime by generally being grumpy and lacking patience. This kept going until I said ‘please don’t take it out on the boys’ at which point he told me to (expletive) off and then threw the eldest’s favourite book so hard on the floor it broke. He then stormed off and left me with two very upset children. Today I took my sons to softplay and my eldest was being excessively aggressive towards other children (although I could have been sensitive to this given the incident last night) I confronted him about it tonight and suggested he address his anger issues to which he said if I stop making him angry then it won’t happen. I’m honestly upset and confused about what to do at this point.

You really cannot afford to carry on in this relationship. It is already damaging your children. If you split up it may be that the kids are with him alone but they will have you as a safe haven and may well vote with their feet when they get older. It’s better to be in an abusive household some rather than all of the time, which is the situation now.

Please start making a plan to leave, it may take a couple of years, but start to plan for it now.

He sounds exactly like my ex. The kids used to adore their dad, but as they got older, the anger got worse. My eldest was petrified of him and would break down in tears. My youngest however would argue back. After one particularly bad argument, he went to hit her and she had to run and hide behind me, the rage I saw on his face towards my 6 year old child was the final straw.

He does have a stressful job, which I always took into consideration, but never once did he apologise or see anything wrong in his actions. He just carried on next day laughing and joking like nothing had happened.

We eventually left, and they have a much better relationship with him now, but wow, I wish I did it sooner...

https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

Please leave OP. If you’re only staying because you don’t want to leave the children alone with him, it’s definitely time to go. Your children will thank you. And believe me, he won’t have them half as much as you think he will.

As they get older they can vote with their feet. For now, you need to be their feet!

Yes being tired , grumpy and losing patience is normal. People get snappy, or quiet, or not as fun as usual. People lose their temper sometimes. That's all OK if its sometimes. What's not normal is shouting, swearing, throwing things, blaming other people for a loss of control. What's not normal is someones partner telling them they're not happy in the marriage and suggests a way to fix it and, that person refuses, blames the other person 100pc and 'calls their bluff' on a divorce (wtaf)

Yes I'm sure that some people can overcome their anger issues but that's if they recognise they have a problem, take accountability and really want to try and sort it and are willing to put in the effort eg through therapy. There is literally no way to solve someone else's anger issue without their engagement, other than removing yourself from the situation, unfortunately

Feelings are one thing, behaviour is a different thing. We all get angry sometimes - we don't all shout or throw and damage things. Do you?

Anger doesn't have to be expressed as aggression to others - especially children. Most couples argue - some do so in front of the kids, some don't. But most people don't take anger (that's about something else entirely) out on kids.

We all have various kinds of negative emotions sometimes. We need to learn what's an acceptable and healthy way of responding to them and managing them and expressing them, and what isn't. And kids learn that from their parents - from a very young age.

It is not unusual for peole in a marriage to get angry. But in a working marriage it should not be the norm.

And if you get angry and lose it, you should apologise when you've calmed down - own it, rather than blame your spouse for making you angry.

Your instincts are right. The level of anger where you destroy your child's favourite book and then blame your spouse is not healthy.

ETA has he apologused to his son forbthe book he destroyed? He bloody should; and if he won't you might want to reassess how good a dad he is.

My dad was (is) like this.
It affected everyone. I have six siblings- one brother is basically the clone of our father and can't keep a relationship because he's always shouting and breaking things and nobody will put up with it. As well they shouldn't.
One sister married a man exactly like him.
I ended up with a man exactly like him and he very nearly killed me, in the end, after some really horrible times.
The rest of them are just plain old-fashioned traumatised with only a handful of happy memories from childhood.
And our mother didn't leave him because What would people think?! and we all resent her for it.

My husband would have two options, deal with his anger issues or leave.

We are all capable of losing our temper but if it becomes a repeating pattern with no attempt to deal with it, that's a problem.