Husband anger issues

[Sunnyday14558]

My husband gets really angry. Most of the time he’s a god dad with a fair amount of patience. Yesterday he got some news from work which put him in a bad mood and I felt he was taking it out on the boys (2 and 4) at bedtime by generally being grumpy and lacking patience. This kept going until I said ‘please don’t take it out on the boys’ at which point he told me to (expletive) off and then threw the eldest’s favourite book so hard on the floor it broke. He then stormed off and left me with two very upset children. Today I took my sons to softplay and my eldest was being excessively aggressive towards other children (although I could have been sensitive to this given the incident last night) I confronted him about it tonight and suggested he address his anger issues to which he said if I stop making him angry then it won’t happen. I’m honestly upset and confused about what to do at this point.

Why should you be tactful instead of him showing some control over his negative emotions? Why do you have to be the emotional regulator? You do it all day with actual toddlers and small kids, then he comes and disrupts the peace in thr last hr of thr day! It's for HIM to be tactful not you in that scenario.

I’ve been married over 20 years and we have had a rough ride over the years. We have both been angry but have never ever told each other to fuck off (other than in jest). Nobody has ever thrown so much as a piece of paper. My DS was never “rough” or violent in school or at home (angry, yes). My dad was angry once that I recall and know about in 50 years of marriage and he shouted but it wasn’t directed at us. My FIL likewise. Anger is an emotion we all feel, usually related to feeling stressed and disempowered but there are healthy and unhealthy ways of dealing with it.

You do not have to live with someone who cannot manage their anger and it is a big red flag and often the gateway to domestic abuse.

I had an XH like this. I begged him to get anger management but he would apologise and things slowly escalated.

When he kicked the shit out of me, of course it was “look what you made me do.”

Please leave before things escalate. 💐

Yes it’s unusual. But I thought it was normal growing up too. It was only when I became an adult and formed my own relationships that I realised how abnormal and not ok it is.

This is not acceptable OP and it sounds like you are putting up with it because it was how your own family behaved when you were a child and you don't have good boundaries and can't recognise what healthy relationships are.

It is completely inappropriate for him to swear at you, throw things around and display that level of anger in front of your poor kids.

What will he do next? throw something at the children? hit them? hit you?

Frankly I would not want to live with a man like that or allow him to scare our kids in this way.

OP give him an ultimatum: he needs to seek professional help to address his anger issues and never repeat what he just did, or you are leaving.

my boys love their dad and financially I can’t imagine divorce at this time. It’s easy to say leave him but surely there’s a way to improve things. Has anyone managed to successfully navigate anger management with their husband?

Breaking kids toys infront of them and swearing at you infront of them, is abusive.

Your boys love their dad: of course they do. but what are they learning from him? and what are they learning from you about the way women behave around violent men?

financially you can't imagine divorce: well no. Divorce is always catastrophic in terms of finances, which is why people usually leave it way later than they should have done. but what are you risking by not even considering this? if he doesn't change but gets worse (likely) what will your life be like in 5 years? what damage will have been done to your kids?

Is there a way to improve things? the only person who can change his behaviour is him. The only person's behaviour you can change is your own. Can he change? Well yes, if he were horrified by his actions, owning that he has an anger management problem, and is desperate to find help to help him manage it, and follows through with getting that help and actively working on himself. How likely is that from here?

Please browse the relationships board for where this relationship might go. MN is an amazing resource for helping people to see the consequences of staying in a relationship like this, and also providing hope and a path out of it.

Get this toxic man in the bin and protect your kids. What a shocking example he is setting them. Had he always been so emotionally stunted that he can’t take responsibility for his own behaviour? I would find this a revolting turn off tbh and I’d have to separate ASAP . Who does that to their own kids AND then blame their mum?!

If you said to your husband that his anger scares you and the children, and that you will divorce him if nothing changes - how would he react?

If his reaction is self reflection, to begin therapy, to really work on changing himself before he loses his family as a result of his lack of control - then maybe you have a chance?

Is his reaction is anger, blame, deflection - then at least you know you tried, and it's his problem that he's not ready or able to solve.

There is literally nothing else you can do, unless you want to spend the rest of your life walking on egg shells around an angry man

He says “you made me angry.” Jess Hill wrote a whole book on that exact phrase. You could do worse than read it to see your life from the outside,

https://www.amazon.com.au/See-What-You-Made-Me-ebook/dp/B07M8RGLF7

I have told him before that I don’t think our marriage is working very well. I suggested counselling which he outright refused. He then asked what would I actually do if he didn’t go. I said usually there’s only one way failed marriages go. He said ‘I’m calling your bluff. You won’t divorce me’. I felt so angry and trapped by that but when I called a divorce solicitor for a free consultation, they told me we would have to continue living in the same house for four months after filing divorce. I genuinely can’t imagine how horrible that will be. Also worry that if we separate he’ll be with the boys on his own. I have no doubt he’ll tell them I’m a horrible person and I also worry that I won’t be there to help them make sense of his anger - I.e they’ll internalize it rather than have me there to say it’s not their fault

Blaming others for their own emotions and actions is a classic abuser tactic.
you did not make him angry. This is not your fault. You do not have to make excuses for him.
maybe he grew up in a home where everyone was afraid and walking on egg shells, modifying their behaviour when dad is home, do not do the same to your children. Don’t let them grow up thinking this is an ok way to treat those you love.

I would contact Womens Aid, take their advice and make a plan to leave with them.
he doesn’t sound like someone who would accept anger management therapy? He’s not even acknowledging the feeling and behaviour was his own, he’s blaming you and the children. Classic abuser tactic.

Being together isn’t working for your family, so you need to address this before both children have anger issues.

OP draw a firm line now before it slides further, because it will.
Read others posts about the knot in the stomach - its all avoidable. Dont let your kids be affected further. Bite that bullet

Altered Brain Development: Frequent verbal aggression and harsh shouting can physically change how a child’s brain develops. Scans reveal impacts to the amygdala (emotional processing) and the hippocampus (memory), often leaving individuals permanently hyper-alert to threats or prone to anxiety in adulthood.
Depression and Self-Esteem: Children and adolescents who are frequently shouted at are far more likely to suffer from feelings of worthlessness, lack of self-control, and lingering depressive symptoms.
Impaired Social and Physical Health: Chronic childhood stress from yelling has been linked to long-term immune and vascular problems, chronic pain, and an increased struggle to maintain healthy boundaries and friendships as adults.

Anger is a normal emotion but it’s how we manage it and if we do lose our temper what we do after.

Firstly he absolutely shouldn’t be getting that angry especially in front of his kids. And secondly there’s no accountability he doesn’t care that he’s hurting you and his kids.
Only you can decide if this is manageable long term but I would start making plans to split even if you don’t go. And arrange to talk to him in a public place about his anger and the impact on your kids

I feel bad for your mum that you resent her. She was probably trying to protect you by being with you rather than leaving you alone with your dad?

But I bet if the thing in his hand was something he cared about and not the child’s thing he wouldn’t have thrown.

You need to leave for your children not to grow up messed up from this.

if he did this and was super apologetic and said he didn’t know what came over him that’d be one thing but he thinks it’s normal/justified! That’s awful .

I was given a similar traumatic childhood and there is simply no excuse for traumatising children.
My mother made me stay in a house with a violent monster for years, because she was 'scared'. Not as scared as me, who had no choice. She had a choice every day. I suffer every day because of the two adults who failed me.
(She was also a terrible mother in many other ways)
Choices have consequences.

Reconsider trying to make a victim of child abuse feel sympathy for the one person they depended on to keep them safe, I feel sorry for that poster, not their parent

What I mean is that if she left you would still have had to see him?

@Sunnyday14558 has a point though. If she divorces him he will have his kids by himself and she won't be there to protect them! That's why I didn't leave my dh tbh.

Once the kids start speaking back and having a mind of their own you will have big problems
I left after 20 years as he started being violent towards the children

My Dad was like this. He could not manage negative emotions and took them out on everyone else. It created an awful culture and very much contributed to abuse among siblings in the family who used our father’s tactic and took their negative emotions out on younger kids.

Your husband is the one with the problem here and his solution for his problem, to take stress out on loved ones means he is not a good father. I’m estranged from my family due to the issues this caused in our family.

Not in my case, I had to endure brief supervised access and then court granted no access of the abuser to me.

Sadly she chose to stay with him for the most formative years of my development, causing me CPTSD for life.