Need an outsiders opinion.

[MrMay]

I need an outsiders opinion.

I need an outsiders opinion please.

I live at home with an aging parent. She's is going senile but she's not diagnosed. I am the only one at home seeing it and living it and nobody understands it. Other people would like to see a little old lady forget things but she has a lot of behavioural and emotional issues and odd behaviours and paranoia and confusion and other stuff.

This week has been particularly bad from her. Maybe it's a UTI in her but I am not able to manage utis in her because she is so definant and argumentative.

Anyways there was a situation a few months ago where something happened to one of my brothers. It's a civil situation between my brother and another individual. My brother rang my mother once this year and raged down the phone to her about the other person. My mother absorbed all that anger from him and mad either her own.

My mother doesn't know how to use the internet and asked me to checked something for her online and I did that. However I never knew it was going to turn into months of an obsession from her. Basically checking on the other person who wronged her son and literally stalking him. Or getting me to do it because she doesn't know how to use the internet. Several times a week. Her hate is deranged and she's not going to stop until that man harms himself into catching the bus. No way does what he did warrant this and her response. It's a civil wrong where he built a garage on my brother slamd without permission but the garage can be dismantled again.

It's a civil situation between my brother who lives abroad and nother person. My brother was so angry he never once spoke to the other person or his solicitor. The situation is still ongoing.

Out mother parked herself into the middle of it and she has become obsessed and wants me to do her requests of stalking and will not stop.

The woman is nothing more but senile and I am caught in the middle of this. It's so so so hard.

I work in care and that also brings many different challagnes. I have been subjected to many different temper tantrums today. It's so so so so hard.

Then everything together. It's so so so so so so hard.

Anyways I was booked for babysitting a few weeks ago by a couple that I know and at the time I accepted. I am due to babysit on Saturday. It is something that I would love to help them with however I have had a week of f*cking hell from everyone else dumping on me. The people I babysit for thinks and has said it many times to me, they think my care work is babysitting. It's anything and everything but. I regularly get assaulted from other people's outbursts.

I want to get on a bus somewhere on Saturday morning when I get a day off and go away. Sit down somewhere, possibly even check into a hotel and drink a bottle of wine.

It's so so so hard.

My head is so sore but I have to keep on going. Everyone is dumping on me and it's like being hammered without one person physically hurting me.

The obsession and hate from my mother is unreal and it's so hard. It's so hard to find a place to rent as well.

Would it bad of me to cancel babysitting so that I could escape on Saturday. Just run away and escape. If the children were older I could manage it better but they are younger.

I am not in a good place mentally due to everyone else dumping shit on me. I am not in a place to sit down and play with a three year old and a few years older and stay up late until they go to bed.

I want to find a hotel lobby and eat a meal in peace, drink wine and do some crochet and read a book. And maybe even check in for a night.

Can anyone help me

Oh my, I just want to give you a massive hug and cry to be honest because this is how I'm feeling right now.

Your situation sounds like a huge pile of stress and shit and I have nothing but sympathy for you.

Cancel the babysitting, get a bottle of wine and down it. You don't always have to put other people first. If you do, you find yourself where you are now; burnt out, spiralling and looking to escape.

I don't know what to suggest about the situation with your mother; I don't have experience of caring for senile people but my god I don't know how you do it. I would just do the basics she needed me to do and leave until you're in a better place mentally.

I'd like to say to you that if you ever want to DM me just to chat, I'd be happy to speak to you. You sound in a really similar situation to me stress wise, and honestly it was strangely refreshing to read a post about something other than 'my DH is being a nob' or 'what colour should I paint my front door'.

Big love from me ❤️

Yanbu. Tell the couple now that you are really sorry to let them down at the last minute but you are unwell and won't be able to babysit. Book a room in a hotel and go and relax as it sounds like you really need a break. They might be a bit annoyed but you need the break. Could you ask your brother to tell your mum the civil situation is sorted and he's moved on and maybe lie that he's apologised and they are now on good terms or something. Tell him it's causing your mum to be stressed! Hope you get some time to relax 😌

Brilliant idea on the brother front tbf! Though he doesn't sound entirely rational, but I'm hoping he would be willing to do this for OPs sake. How selfish for him to cause all of this while living abroad and not dealing with the fallout.

You have my sympathy too.
Cancel the babysitting, book the hotel, drink the wine (carefully though), rest and breathe.
I would make a GP appointment for yourself, book a double slot if possible and disclose everything you are having to manage. I think that adult social services should be the next step. You absolutely need help and a break.

I'm SO sorry you're struggling so much at the moment, and echo previous posters in thinking that you should let the people know immediately that you can't babysit at the weekend, because you're unwell, and then book a hotel so that you have something to look forward to.

Is your brother actually aware of the trouble he's caused? If not, then call and tell him, and get him to speak to your Mother.

Meanwhile, can your GP help as far as your Mother is concerned? Are they aware of her dementia? If not, I would make an appointment to see someone at your local practice, and talk to them about what is going on, as it sounds like not only do you need to get away this weekend, so that you can unwind a bit, but also like you could maybe do with some help with your own mental health, ie, possibly anti-depressants??

Sending a hug your way, and hoping things get better soon.

You’re burning out OP and it’s clear from the way you’re typing and talking that you desperately need a break.

Get away and leave the kids with their dad or whoever you trust and just get the break you need!

I have been a carer too OP. This was my mother in law who happened to be lovely but she was in my home. My world just closed up over night and I had no space. Life becomes a constant list of tasks and responsibilities and I don't blame you for wanting to run off. I did to be honest and it jut made me realise how much I needed things to change. Do you have to look after your mum and live with her? As for the babysitting tell them you can't do it and give yourself a reward. Stay over somewhere, have a meal, bottle of wine and a book. I promise you will feel better.

I usually do my best to try and find positives in situations.

I am just finding it hard lately. There's something very wrong regarding my mother. I live in an area with very poor housing options. Housing is limited and so very expensive and homelessness is high. I live with my mother and I am seeing so many odd things day in and day out.

Regarding my brother who lives abroad. He rang home once earlier this year just to rant and shout about another man who did a wrong on a plot of land he owns. He could have picked up the phone and rang the man but he was too angry to talk to him or he could pick up the phone to ring his solicitor and send a legal letter about trespass or whatever the situation is.

Our mother placed herself right into the middle of that civil situation as if it's hers to fix. But she is computer and internet illitrate and she she wanted me to check on that man weekly even several times a week. Telling her no - she was a like a child and I used to do dent this in indirect ways some times by lieing and saying the phone is dead.

I did implement a boundary a few weeks ago and told her that I am not checking again and it's between the brother and the man and I am not checking again. She wasn't able to hold onto that information for too long and she asked again a week later.

She has tormented me for months. My brother abroad has no idea that out mother wanted to place herself into the middle of his civil situation and to be honest it's actually humiliating for him to be quiet honest. His mother fighting for him.

My mother is horrid and she's talking so badly about the other person who wasn't aggressive in any of this by the way.

This should be all over and done with now but my mother still won't stop talking hate about him.

It is just so hard because I realise now that she is obsessed. OBSESSED. Her son has been wronged and the other man will be made pay - she's not saying those words but that's what her actions are saying. This is an obsession and she's dragging me down, down, down.

I grey rock her when she starts talking about that and try to redirect her but it doesn't work and it only angers her more.

Then work is not going very well either.

All in all it's been hugely stressful and just sickening all week and I am likely dealing with a migraine since yesterday too. My head feels like there's a a tight band tightening all around my head with a hammer on top.

I am so so so sick.

This sounds extremely difficult OP.

Can you speak with your mothers GP about this, or contact social services. Your mother needs proper diagnosis and a future care plan made, the behaviours she is engaging in are solid evidence should you need more of it that she is unwell. Harassment and stalking of this kind and severity can easily become criminal matter and this needs to be put a stop to for the sake of all parties involved, including you.

I appreciate it is difficult to manage someone who is afflicted the way your mother is, but I think it is important that you do not participate in any of these actions that constitute stalking and harassment. I would be turning the internet off for her own sake at this point and focusing on accessing urgent help.

The Alzheimers society has a Dementia Support Line - tel:0333 150 3456 0333 150 3456 - they may be able to advise you best, or you could call the Age UK support line on 0800 678 1602 to understand best what must be done practically. This is no longer manageable for you alone and you cannot be expected to bear the burden of it. If you are struggling with your own mental health then your GP can help you, don't forget about yourself here.

@MrMay first tell your brother to call your mum to tell her the problem with the individual is resolved. Tell him why this needs to be done.

Then cancel babysitting.

Have the evening to relax, drone out everyone else’s problems and focus on yourself. The world won’t fall apart from you taking an evening to yourself.

Thanks for the replies.

Today, my head feels like it was flattened bybw massive truck. I still got up and went to work. I am so tired but I slept ok last night. It's likely stress. Now I am beginning to feel sick. I don't usually feel nauseous with my headaches or migraines but I don't think there's any contagious.

I am just exhausted. There's nothing more but a war happening at home. A one sided war.

My mother really isn't behaving well. If you could see her facial expressions. They are not normal. I think she's really confused and paranoid and struggling to understand situations. I don't know what it is.

It's a one sided war because I am not trying to reason with her when she starts haragueing me.

There's definitely an increase in odd behaviours and I think there's a UTI but I am not able to manage this. I can't suggest to her but I know her response will be one of anger and rage. I can't go to the pharmacist for her because they probably won't give me medication for another person.

I have been observing years of odd behaviours from her on and off for years. Every day is different.

I did chat to her GP a few years ago who asked me
'is there any memory loss'.

At the time there wasn't. Even now, her memlry does seem to be good even short term memory. It does seem to be good.

Memory was never the thing I was concerned about. It was always just dsyfunctions and odd behaviours that has emerged.

This week is just bad from her. She is HORRID.

Yet, I am relying on her from homelessness.

I am just so so so tired and sick. I really just don't feel like sitting down playing with young kids tomorrow unfortunately. I can usually tolerate children well and get on well with them but now that I am dealing with temper tantrums from a 70+ year old, it's just stomach churning.

Everyone seems to think that the only problem in seniors is memory loss and nothing else matters. Never mind years of odd behaviours.

Some people has seen this in my posts and you are right. I am not well. Mentally. I am not well.

I work hard and am can't afford my own accommodation. I live at home with my mother. She's not well. It's hard being a part time micro manager at home while receiving abuse from someone. She's definitely 100% going senile. She has some good patches and other times things are bad. It's not not diagnosed yet. It's so hard without a diagnosis.

I am petrified.

I joined a forum for catching a bus but I am too much of a coward to do anything to myself.

If I had a diagnosis I would be able to draw on supports to help me and her.

However I think it's all about giving her as much capacity as possible until she herself shows as unfit. Maybe medical professionals are looking for a reduction in daily living skills and tasks. Even though I have document with a huge long list of observations and odd behaviours and some of it is damning.

Take the list you've made to your Mother's GP, and ask for help! And, if her doctor is also your doctor, ask them for help with your own mental health. If I could take over and do this for you, I would, but I'm afraid that YOU are the ONLY ONE who can do something to make this situation better, and if you're still capable of working, then I feel sure that you can cope with a visit to the doctor. Honestly OP, you're making it harder for yourself by not taking action.

Speaking of which, why haven't you cancelled the babysitting?

I am really in a bad bad bad place. I am so tempted to lift a hammer and start swinging it at everyone such is the pressure and the amount of dumping that other people is doing on me.

But I won't.

But I am not well.

There is too much pressure and shit on me.

Looking forward to drinking myself blind tonight just to try and cope.

WEEK FROM FUCKING HELL

OP, all of us reading your thread are worried about you...we are really worried.
Please take the advice of @GrantMyWishes and make an appointment with your GP.

If you tell the receptionist you are struggling with your mental health because of your home situation you should be seen as an emergency.

1. cancel the babysitting. You aren’t well.
2. talk to your brother. Ask him to reassure his Mum that the issue is nearly sorted and it is all going to be ok.
3. organise respite. You can’t keep doing this.

You can walk away from it. It may not seem possible but it is. Do you have any savings, enough for the first month's rent on a shared house? If your income is very low there is housing benefit. Either way talk to Shelter.

Even before then, book yourself a holiday. There are caravan offers; just take time to yourself. If it all seems not possible, what would they do if you had a heart attack tomorrow?

Oh MrMay - massive massive hugs.
Cancel the babysitting. Don't think about a single thing beyond that - you need to take things one tiny step at a time. Right now getting you safe is the priority. Cancel the babysitting. Don't think about your mum - you can't fix that right now.

Get off that forum you mentioned, and please please don't hurt yourself. Things will not always be this hard. One step at a time and you will get through this, even if it doesn't feel like it.

Keep talking - people are always on here to talk to you

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health Resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.
We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.
We are going to move this thread to the Mental Health section shortly.