to say I have just had enough ?

[lopit98]

I am 50, DC are 16 & 18 (SEN)
I have been for a run this morning, home 7am to this ...

the dishwasher is clean, full, waiting to be unloaded
the sink is piled high where both have been cooking in the night
both have been awake most of the night -their sleep patterns are terrible
I have unloaded the dishwasher, rinsed everything in the sink and re-loaded the dishwasher.
cleaned the surfaces
removed items from the dishwasher and washed by had as 18yo waiting to cook (he has eating disorder, so when he cooks/eats its a godsend)
18yo now having a meltdown as his cooking has messed up. he is also saying we are running out of his food (he is not able to go to the shop) and need ti buy more today. Except I cannot get to the shop due to work.
16yo needs a lift to school for exams
I am trying to WFH amongst all this

.. I am done in, totally done.

This is just 1 example of a typical day

.. DH is in bed

If one son was waiting to cook, he needed to empty the dishwasher and reload, or wash relevant items by hand, surely?

Wow how stressful for you! What can they do for themselves? I'd focus on that and enforce it like a marine.

kids eh who'd have em

eta what's going on with the dad?

The DH in bed is your problem.

He needs to get his arse up and help things run smoothly.

This, wanting to cook should also = wanting to clean up after yourself, if the mess is from them cooking in the night they can both clean up.
also if there is no food because he’s been cooking it in the night, does he not have to factor this in?

Why is it a DH problem? Should he get up and clean up the boys mess so they can cook again?
yes He should probably be taking the 16 yo to school, but what was he doing last night? Working?

It’s so hard, caring for kids with SEN. Not many people understand. However, you DH should; as others have said, is there a valid reason for him to still be in bed?

And have you got a carer’s assessment?

What is the SEN? 2 of my children have autism the youngest has level 2 so is pretty disabled by it.

My kids would be in real hot water if they left the house in that state.

They all do jobs cooking dinner, cleaning up after meals, putting away laundry, etc etc and have done since they were young. During Covid when they were quite young we all worked together to blitz the house from top to bottom everyone did their bit and learned all the household jobs. I think you need a version of that so they don’t take you further granted.

In your shoes I’d be reading them the riot act.

The dh needs a rocket up his arse. Lazy git.

depends if DH is in bed off the back of a nightshift or just indulging in a longer lie than OP……..

Why is DH in bed? Does he have a good reason e.g. working nights or ill?
I admit I know little about SEN, but are these household tasks beyond your kids at their ages? Why can't your DS go to a shop?

I see you.

We have the same stuff in our house, including the ages, the SEN, the eating disorders, the WFH. I didn't go for a run this morning because hayfever is killing me and I also slept terribly.

There are no easy answers. It's incredibly difficult. Try to give yourself grace, and take 10 minutes for a cup of coffee and doing nothing. 🌻

Do you know the reason why the DH is in bed? He could have worked all night for all you know, or be ill, or disabled. We don't know yet!

What would they do if you kept running and never came back?

I’m not saying it’s not hard, god knows I have adult children and I still do my fair share of picking up because you don’t want to be always on at them, but I think you need to stop enabling so much. Start pushing back a bit. Even if it’s only 10%, for your own sanity.

Can’t the 18 year old learn to clear the kitchen to his own satisfaction? Or help do an online shop? Can DH do his bit?

It doesn’t sound that stressful tbh you got a leisurely run in and emptied and loaded a dish washer!

Teenagers who are capable of cooking are capable of washing up, emptying and reloading dishwasher and placing an order for any food items missing. Get your DH out of bed.

I'm prepared to be told I'm being unreasonable but I don't understand why your children can't do simple household tasks. I thought with training and encouragement this was achievable for most people with SEN. I say this as someone who is Autistic.

Seems that you are enabling your family , probably including your H, to see you as the family servant.

I think you need a family discussion to map out what can be done abouthis is to achieve a family with everyone pulling their weight according to their abilities and not you being viewed as the family fall guy.

Wake up dad. Give him a shopping list of what to go and buy for the 18 year old so that they get some food into them (totally get the issue in relation to the eating disorder).

Give the 18 year old a list of 3 or 4 tasks to do.

I appreciate the 16 year old is in exam session. But once exams are over (almost there now) also give them responsibility for some tasks.

My 8 yo AuDHD (and other SEN also) child is being taught right now how to wash dishes. If you want functioning children you gotta teach 'em to function.

It's the everyday grind of never being able to come home to a clean house, never having a clean dish or counter to prepare food for yourself because you first have to clean up the mountain of crap someone else has left there for their slave. And it won't just be a once a day problem; it will be after every meal. Ex was like this (he had no excuse; he was just a dick).

I do know very little about SEN, just a friends lovely daughter and know that the kids have different needs so not the same but is there any way you can teach your son to clean up too? Am I totally wrong to say if he can cook for himself then he could pop the items in the dishwasher or wash up after?

Would it be possible for you to sit down with the family and explain that everyone needs to chip in more with cleaning up/running of the house within their capabilities? Wondering if it is at least worth a try.

If he's capable of cooking, then he's capable of unloading and reloading the dishwasher. Can you order a grocery delivery online?

I won't pile into DH without more info - why is he in bed?
You don't mention the type of level of DCs SEN, but if they can cook for themselves they must be capable of cleaning up the mess. How much can they do for themselves and have they been told/shown/encouraged to do so? Sometimes parents (usually mums) martyr themselves doing everything for the family and then complain when it suddenly gets too much.

Why isn’t your 16 yo capable of getting to school by themselves?

Although you mention SEN - You also talk about your kids being up in the night cooking for themselves.... so they are obviously capable up to a point. So they can absolutely be taught to clean up after themselves including emptying and reloading the dishwasher.

Some mess - can be left. Nothings going to happen if the kitchen is a bit messy until after work.

You don't say why your husband is still in bed? If there is no reasonable explanation for this I'd be poking him awake and telling him to take the 16 year old to school.

Why is your husband in bed?
does he pull his weight?
what tasks are your sons capable of doing?
Do you have any set jobs they are responsible for?
How are they generally at following instructions? Are they demand avoidant?
Do you have routines in place that normally help run things more smoothly?

I ask because my sons are both autistic and are in their mid 20s and I know how things can get and I might have some suggestions

Although thinking about it if your sons are in their mid/late teens youve probably already tried everything.

If they can cook….they can clean!! They need to do it or stop cooking!!