To not turn off sleep mode?

[HelpMySocksAreTouchingMe]

A few nights ago my husband and I were looking at something on my phone and he got in a mood saying I had turned on sleep mode. He said I must have turned it on to prevent notifications popping up so therefore I must have something to hide.

My sleep mode comes in automatically, I had always presumed it came on at 9 but this was a five to 9. I haven’t set it to come on, it’s just something it does it’s self and I just assumed 9 because I know it’s always on after that but never noticed the exact time.

Do the next couple of nights I made a point of noticing and telling DH - oh look sleep mode has come on. (It seems to be quite random any time between 8.45 and 9)

So last night again we are both looking at my phone, he wants a new car so we were on auto trader, sleep mode activated again and I said, oh sleep mode has just come on.

A few minutes later he turns his back to me, I carry on looking at cars, try to show him a few and he says I’m not looking at your phone, you clearly have something to hide because you didn’t turn sleep mode off.

It didn’t occur to me to turn it off.

He says I must see how it looks but it genuinely didn’t occur to me to turn it off, he was sat next to me with it off prior to it coming on by itself, at a random time so anything I wanted to hide could have come through at that time anyway. I have nothing to hide hence no, I didn’t think how it looks.

So AIBU?

YABU You should have turned sleep mode off.

YANBU You were fine to leave it on.

Is he often controlling and coercive like this?

He is deranged.

What a weird interaction altogether. Honestly I wouldn’t be surprised if he was up to something he shouldn’t be, people who are hiding something often become very paranoid about what their partner is doing.

Why are you married to a toddler?

Have you looked at his phone recently?

I wouldn’t turn it off but it’s very weird you have tried to justify it each night and not just checked your settings as it doesn’t just randomly come on each night. I’d be suspicious if a partner tried to tell me that. The whole thing is just weird.

Well the general assumption is that people who have something to hide themselves are the ones who throw accusations at their partner that they are the ones up to no good and hiding things.

I did check the settings and I can’t figure it out. It does come on randomly, one night it was 8.50, one night it was 8.45 - no input from me.

I justified it each night because I was being accused of turning it on deliberately before letting him look at my phone screen and I was reassuring him that it doesn’t just come on at 9 like we had assumed.

I haven’t looked at his phone no but it is a common saying isn’t it that those casting accusations are the ones with something to hide.

Yes women are encouraged to check their partners phones all the time, it works both ways it is controlling and no idea why anyone thinks otherwise

He sounds overly paranoid and suspicious which, unless you have previously given him reason to be, are not very pleasant traits. I wouldn’t switch it off just for him but I would certainly familiarise myself with the settings and decide what would specifically suit me. That would be far too early for sleep mode for me!

Do you have an iPhone?

Mine did that to me once & also decided to reset my alarm - luckily I woke up anyway. I turned it off but it still offers to do it again every so often.

No they are not, unless the partner is behaving in a way that suggests he is cheating. That's different.

@LetsMakeThisMomentLastIt’s not a bad time for me, I don’t tend to be on my phone after about 8 maybe 8.30 anyway (hence not knowing the exact time it comes on).

The sleep mode goes on depending on what time your alarm set for the morning, so it gives you a set amount of hours sleep.

Yes it’s an iPhone, it does all kinds of “helpful” things! Such as turning on work mode when I get within so far of the office.

Obviously he's hiding something himself and why are you excusing away him being controlling and moody? He doesn't get a right to say those things

I thought sleep mode dimmed the background lighting and actually prevented you from being disturbed by texts or other notification alerts like emails etc so you wouldn't be awoken by the sounds. Hence the name...sleep mode.

Why is he being weird? Tell him to look at it today and fix it or shut up.

It is still controlling and no one should have the right to check someone's phone, there is probably even a law in there somewhere

I dont have to be up to something for me to not accept anyone looking at my phone and I respect my husband I would never do that to him no matter how I justify it to myself nor whatever he has done it is wrong

Mine seems to be on all the time! Apart from the fact that I never pick up when anyone calls; my husband hasn’t said a thing about this let alone accused me of hiding something

@Keroppi I’m not excusing him, I think it’s paranoid, controlling and weird behaviour. I was just wondering if other people would think how he does.

I am looking at it from my point of view knowing I have nothing to hide. No one else knows if I have something to hide or not so I didn’t know if it does look dodgy without that knowledge.

Sorry that might not make sense but I know what I mean 😂

He doesn’t trust you. He is being controlling. He is making himself the victim of something so ridiculously stupid. Has he gone down a red pill manosphere rabbit hole recently. Also, when my husband and I look for things, we both usually look at the same website and give each other our phones if we find something the other should see or send links. If it’s for him, why isn’t he looking on his phone. Also, I’m with you, half the time my iphone does stuff but I don’t know how or why. I used to get good morning and the weather in the front screen but now that doesn’t come on, I liked that!

Every so often my dh gets a text or notification of some sort in the middle of the night and I keep meaning to tell him to but on night mode like a normal human. Who wants to be getting notifications in the middle of the night?? It’s odd enough he has an android and his phone makes actual noises plus he has the teams notifications on his laptop 🙄

Seriously though, your husband is controlling and unpleasant. Refusing to talk to you is infantile behaviour and would drive me insane. Refusing to talk to you over something so normal is incredibly controlling. How dare he tell you what settings to put on your phone

I would assume he has a guilty conscience over something and is projecting.

The sound of notifications, especially from Teams, is very irritating, I agree. But why is having an android phone an odd thing? That makes no sense.