‘But I’d have done it if you hadn’t!’

[InsolentAnnie]

Organising DC’s birthday party (at home). I’ve planned it all - researched games, made shopping lists, planned the food, ordered supplies, made task list. It’s not a massively complicated one but original plan of playing outdoor games isn’t going to work as rain is forecast. DC is obsessed with a TV character so I’m trying to theme it round that (without going overboard or spending a fortune). I have been mega busy at work (hence only organising it the week of the party). DH said ‘I’ll help, we’ll do it together, it’s not all on you’. Great. Gave him one sodding job to do - literally ordering one thing that I can’t buy in the shops - he agreed. Checked tonight and he hadn’t done it.

He says there’s no problem because it’s now done. I said I may as well have done it myself if I’ve had to remind him, and I’d only asked to do one little thing and he didn’t even do that. He says he appreciates that I’ve done all the rest but he would have done if I hadn’t. He reckons he could have organised the party on the day. He seems to think that because the willingness to do it is (apparently) there, it absolves him of any need to apologise because it was my decision to do it in advance. We have had this argument so many times and I’m so fed up of it!!

AIBU to think that him saying he’d have done it if I hadn’t is a crappy excuse for not actually taking on some of the mental (and actual) load? Am I supposed to just wait and see if it all goes to pot, to give him a chance to do it?! It’s not like I was doing it all weeks in advance - it’s literally three days! (Hence the stress)

Just to throw a bone to (mostly) men out there, DH and I have divied up the household tasks and if I see something as his responsibility I no longer give it any consideration whatsoever. If he asks me to do something which is usually 'his job' I really have to work at making sure I don't forget, as it is just so far off my usual radar. If I don't put it in my phone and set reminders it's unlikely to get done.

Appreciate it's infuriating when someone has committed to doing something and then doesn't follow though but until the boot went on the other foot I didn't realise how innocent it could be.

We both travel for work regularly and try to take a few days solo at least once a year so always have an up to date appreciation for the other one does around the house as it's a lot when you're on your own!

He’s actually pretty good at a lot of the other stuff - I stopped sorting his family birthdays a good while ago, so now he either sorts it or it doesn’t get done. He’s mostly on top of kids’ activities (sometimes more than me) and various household stuff. However when it comes to deciding what’s for tea or what to do on holiday or organising something like this he’s rubbish - seems to think ‘I can’t think of anything’ or ‘I don’t mind’ are legitimate ways of dealing with it. I don’t mind doing a lot of the organising because I am more creative, but fgs do the one sodding thing I ask you to!!!

I have zero tolerance for defensive behaviour at this point in my life. IMO in a good relationship, if one person says to the other 'you let me down' the only acceptable response is 'Sorry about that,' ideally with some attempt to repair. It's fine to give some explanation as to why things went wrong (as long as it's not a long-winded defense), but your DH basically said you had no right to feel the way you do, which is so invalidating and mean. That sort of thing is small but corrosive, over time it makes you so resentful.

The huge benefit of no one being defensive is that over time, both partners apologise when they do something wrong but there is never any hard feelings because both understand the other person is doing their best and any dropped balls are genuine mistakes. It's so nice!

In case it's helpful - the way I got to this position with my DH (and it did take time) was to emphasise to him that I am not his mother or his boss or any sort of authority figure. He does not need to defend himself against me in any way - I'm not an enemy, I'm a team mate. If I say I'm not happy about something, I'm bringing something to him for us to consider, I'm not accusing him of anything. I'm letting him know how I feel so hopefully we can avoid it in the future. All he has to do is acknowledge it and maybe try to do something to make sure it doesn't happen again. There is no need for an argument, no need for conflict. Saying sorry is not a capitulation on his part. I am not saying he's an awful person, I'm not judging him. Basically if he feels he need to defend himself against me, then that's a huge problem, because I am his parnter and the person who cares about him the most - I am on his side and he should act that way.

Actually I think many women ignore the mans uselessness before the ring/baby.

They do most of the admin/housework etc, but this becomes an issue after the baby is born as more work is generated and the stakes are higher.

Generally a man who cleans the house from top to bottom, does laundry, books holidays/parking, cooks, basically does everything you do in the house as they see it as their share, won't just stop when a ring or baby appears.

Exactly

This is such a trap that so many of us walked into.

It's really not.

It's hilarious you think that someone else pointing out that you chose poorly is 'arrogant', just because it's easier for you to think this is some kind of global issue with men. I've yet to meet a man who did housework, shopping and cooking for years and then had a Jekyll and Hyde personality change the moment vows were exchanged or a baby arrived. Use your judgement. Having a child with an asshole is serious.

And I think it's really important to emphasise on here that it's not some kind of universal male failing, to be endured or humorously complained of, like the weather. I think that normalises behaviour that isn't normal. It's not normal to think that housework and cooking and childcare come 'naturally' to women any more than it is to think women 'naturally' get paid less.

I second all of this. Let him ACTUALLY bear the weight of organisation and planning.

I think it would also be good to figure out ways to plan occasions like this without it being a massive stress. If you can't rely on him to contribute, lower the stakes. I told my other half recently that I'm not willing to have people round and do all the cooking/prepping anymore. We have a 6 month old and it's way too overwhelming, so if friends or family come round either he has to get his arse in gear and cook something, or we order food in. (We always order in, surprise surprise!) Drawing this line in the sand has saved me a lot of stress and mental load. I actually enjoy having people over again.

This nearly made me cry. I’ve just spent all day trying to entertain DC2 while involving them in the cake-making (that bit was quite nice, if messy, and made us late for our appointment), then had both DCs screaming and/or crying for an hour, in between me ferrying them to activities and finishing the sodding cake. Then I asked him to do one little thing that I’ve been asking for over a month (change the lightbulb on my car) and he offers to show me how to do it. JUST DO THE DAMN THING THAT I DON’T HAVE TIME TO DO BECAUSE I’M DOING EVERYTHING ELSE! I did actually hang up the phone at that point…

I’ve explained SO many times that if he just said ‘ah crap, I forgot, I’m sorry I’ll do it now’ I’d be fine with that - it’s when he starts being defensive that I get resentful. How on earth can I get this through his skull?!?!

You could try couples' counselling.

It is a very annoying way to behave for sure.

Have a fucking amazing time, and PLEASE let us all know how he got on!!

Why did you do that??

The bar is so fucking low for men.

Unfortunately with my DH the only way I got it through his skull was to threaten divorce and mean it. I was so done at that point. I had no energy to plough into fighting the person who was supposed to be my partner.

He did get it in the end, but bloody hell was it a long slog. Men - at least of my generation (I'm 43) - were brought up to see women as emotional and volatile creatures with nothing meaningful to say. When I got upset, DH saw it as his job to calm me down and appease me, not to listen to the words coming out of my mouth. Every time I expressed what was bothering me, I thought he was hearing me, he though he was just getting me off my emotional high horse. That was the thing that had to change - the fundamental understanding behind how we were communicating with each other.

Now, I generally don't have to say at all if he's done something wrong - he will see it himself and apologise. I know that if he has done something wrong (rare) it's a genuine mistake, not down to thoughtlessness or laziness. There is no energy wasted on pointless conflict.

Pre children with two adults at work full time there is much less housework, cooking and washing to do. You see how lazy men are when the work load increases.