‘But I’d have done it if you hadn’t!’

[InsolentAnnie]

Organising DC’s birthday party (at home). I’ve planned it all - researched games, made shopping lists, planned the food, ordered supplies, made task list. It’s not a massively complicated one but original plan of playing outdoor games isn’t going to work as rain is forecast. DC is obsessed with a TV character so I’m trying to theme it round that (without going overboard or spending a fortune). I have been mega busy at work (hence only organising it the week of the party). DH said ‘I’ll help, we’ll do it together, it’s not all on you’. Great. Gave him one sodding job to do - literally ordering one thing that I can’t buy in the shops - he agreed. Checked tonight and he hadn’t done it.

He says there’s no problem because it’s now done. I said I may as well have done it myself if I’ve had to remind him, and I’d only asked to do one little thing and he didn’t even do that. He says he appreciates that I’ve done all the rest but he would have done if I hadn’t. He reckons he could have organised the party on the day. He seems to think that because the willingness to do it is (apparently) there, it absolves him of any need to apologise because it was my decision to do it in advance. We have had this argument so many times and I’m so fed up of it!!

AIBU to think that him saying he’d have done it if I hadn’t is a crappy excuse for not actually taking on some of the mental (and actual) load? Am I supposed to just wait and see if it all goes to pot, to give him a chance to do it?! It’s not like I was doing it all weeks in advance - it’s literally three days! (Hence the stress)

In my house it’s “you don’t need to do the insert daily housework task, I’ll do it later” - later could be next week. But then I’m unreasonable for not wanting to live in an unkempt home because ‘he will do it later’. How my husband is still alive I do not know tbh.

As they used to say, the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

I’d give him the chance to actually do it next year, without any reminders. If he forgets stuff and it’s a bit disappointing, just take your child to a theme park or something else special the next day. I’m not convinced kids remember twenty years later that their fifth birthday didn’t have decorations anyway, but it certainly won’t matter if they still had a great weekend overall.

I know this doesn’t solve the issue of it all ultimately falling on you, but at least it would stop him claiming in future he is willing (which would drive me insane too).

I stopped reminding dh and left him to deal with consequences. It was the only way he learnt to remember to do stuff. So i booked the holiday he had to organise parking . I won’t remind him i just drop it and move forward.
obviously with something for your kids bday you can’t do that unless it doesn’t impact on your child but next time give him tasks that are easily resolved last minute and don’t mention it again and make sure he’s the one running around solving it. .

I fear this is global!

It’s because they don’t care. We are their new mommies. They don’t notice anything that magically gets done. Before anybody trots out that old line about going away for a spa day -‘I’m booked to go away for holiday next week. I’m going for a week and I hope the house falls down around their ears. I literally booked it out of spite and to get away from the sodding chaos.

And then if you do it yourself because he is taking too long it is apparently passive aggressive!

I went a way for a week, leaving DH with 2 young children. I had batch cooked, I had organised all the play dates, my friends offered help if needed.
When I came home I was greeted with "that wasn't difficult."
I realised my mistake was having preplanned and organised everything. Whilst I was away there was no cleaning, washing or ironing done, no shopping or obviously cooking!
No wonder it was easy!
Sometimes I think we have to leave it up to them!

It drives me bananas. He's in charge of certain jobs like giving the children vitamins, ordering the cat flea treatment etc but I have to remind and remind over and over. One time I had to remind him 4 times and then he had the bloody cheek to ask me to collect it as well. What is the point of it being your job!!!!
Also children's fingernails and toenails he has never ever cut unless specifically asked. I ask him when he would do it, and he says 'if you hadn't already done it I would have'. When they can't walk because their toenails are so long??? I do my own at the same time so 80 nails.
He's great in many ways but I am the manager of our life and he is the assistant. He's a great assistant most of the time but I don't want an assistant.

Sorry, no advice but a rant in solidarity

I agree with this.

So much of the time, one person automatically (lets face it, its usually the female) just does it so that it is done...give him chance to take the lead and do it and if it doesn't get done, then it doesn't get done.

Put the ball in his court to come up with plan B at the last minute of he doesn't arrange anything or forgets. Ok, so it may not be what you envisioned, but he would have to pull something out of the bag.

If you keep doing things, taking the mental load and reminding him, nothing will change as he'll just expect you to pick up the pieces and remind him.

Except they don't really have good intentions. They aren't stupid. They know the process. You'll get fed up and do it yourself. That isn't a good intention. It's control of the maid.

“I’ll do the washing up before I go to bed” and you come downstairs in the morning and it’s untouched.

I agree though OP it’s so frustrating and my DH is the same. He’d be in Tesco the morning of the party seeing what they had, not put on any games etc.

@CuntOfTheLitter Booking yourself a holiday 'out of spite' is ace! please report back afterwards what you came home to.

I hope you have a great time away!

Fantastic username btw 👌

I completely delegated meal/food provision - thinking/shopping/putting away/cooking/clearing away and then all laundry duties (bar ironing that is rarely required).

It was painful living with the initial process especially as he’s never done either but I never think about either now. Clean clothes appear in my room, I am fed daily.

I have stopped multiple reminders. He gets one conversation and that’s it. As a result he’s now missing out on a fun weekend away with extended family as he didn’t ‘remember’ to book leave and now can’t get it. I didn’t issue the usual multiple reminders. Consequences…. Have a fun weekend at home with the dog hun

Every so often I go on a trip somewhere with a female friend and you know what - this crap NEVER happens. They just book the restaurant, check the museum is open, bring the right charger and usually have a spare.

Same with female colleagues on a project.

So many men are so lazy and facilitated - even the "nice ones".

Successful kids parties are a lot of work.

You are legend.

Harder when it's your child missing out though .

Agreed the only way to get him to do it is to stop reminding him and let him fail. Find something that doesn’t impact on you/the children and just leave him to it.

Also if there’s anything you do for him or for you as a couple (his laundry, meeting with his family, ‘date nights’) STOP. Stop offering him grace he does not extend to you. He’s not going to suddenly start planning date nights but it takes a job off your plate.

If you think he’d actually listen you could talk to him about the division of labour. google ‘fair play life’ they have some great resources to explain. I think the most useful thing is the acronym CPE - conceive, plan, execute. If you didn’t do all 3 then you didn’t actually do the thing. The conceive part is the part that causes the stress of mental load so all these men who ‘do their fair share’ because they can read a list of jobs aren’t actually taking weight off their partners.

He reckons he could have organised the party on the day
What a prick!

I obviously chose the right man in my late husband. I was away visiting my sister when one of my children had a birthday (she had just had a baby). He organised a birthday party for him with no bother, which according to son was 'ace'.

YANBU. He’s been a twat.

We've made loads of progress on this in recent months. I think a huge part of it comes from mums being the ones off for a year (or less) on maternity leave and so having that mental load largely to themselves - it’s very hard to shift that at a later stage.

like PPs I also have “delegated” stuff that used to be my role, and don’t issue reminders. I hate the idea of my kids suffering because DH hasn’t done something, and so I kept all of that for a while. But after a chat about how important it was to be that there are no fuck ups around the kids activities / school / lives, he does now have responsibility for some of that too.

I went away for a week and didn’t do any of the stuff listed above - no batch cooking, no organising, no lists etc. They actually were all flourishing when I got back!! I thought it was a good demonstration of how much things have changed.

I had an 'out of spite' holiday a few years ago. His FACE when he realised I'd gone abroad without him (holidays are one of his most loved things)!

Wish I had the get-up-and-go to do this again. It was SUCH an all round win.

Don’t marry a dud, then. DH and I have our issues, but he does all the grocery shopping and cooking, and a lot of the laundry, and DS-related ferrying about and planning.

Arrogance is a really unattractive quality.

Plenty of men hide their dudiness until after the ring is on or the baby is born.

Ah yes, that is also a regular in our house! Translates to ‘I know you love washing up before making breakfast’ 🙄